Fighting a losing battle

[sasa89]

Hi everyone,

im new and I don’t mean to get too comfy straight away but I’m dying to get some things off of my chest.

i am hanging by a thread. I don’t feel like I’m cut out for life. I have so many wonderful things, I’m just not one of them. People like me aren’t allowed to be happy. Every single thing is a struggle. I’m always the odd one out. Always. I give and I give and I love and I love but I’m no ones favourite. No one’s go to. Hell, even my best friend since childhood barely speaks to me since I got married. I have the most wonderful husband, but I’m a crap wife. I’m a crap person. No matter how hard I try. There’s always something new and terrible waiting around the corner. Sometimes I could just scream and scream until there is no breath left. I feel alone and cold. I have seen so many different therapists, shirnks, you name it. O one can change what I am. My lot on life will never change. Why fight it? I’m always forgotten. Always overlooked. Nothing I say or do is ever right. I hate it. I hate myself so so much people have no clue.

[PamelaR]

Hi Sasa and a warm welcome to our community forums

I feel for you very much Sasa. Life sounds terribly difficult for you. I'm saddened to hear you have such a low opinion of yourself. I have a sense that something awful has happened in your life. Do you mind if I ask if there is anything that happened for you to feel the way you do?

You say 'people like me' aren't allowed to be happy. What is it about you that you aren't allowed to be happy?

I've asked you a few questions Sasa. This is just to help us give you the best support we can.

You don't have to answer if you don't want to - no pressure at all. Just know you are not alone in how you feel. There are quite a number of us who have felt the way you do or are feeling the way you do.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[GoodWitch]

I just wanted to post and offer some support Sasa. It sounds like you are struggling with feelings of worthlessness and I'm sorry you are. Can I ask if you have been diagnosed with depression? You say you've seen psychologists, but have you tried medication?

Like Pamela I'm wondering what happened in your life to make you feel this down. If there is something, feel free to share it here. Someone may be able to relate and help you see there is light at the end of the tunnel.

you say your husband is wonderful. If he is wonderful and loves and married you, shouldn't it stand to reason there is something wonderful about you as well? Also if your best friend isn't speaking to you much since you got married, it's entirely possible it has nothing to do with you. she may be going through things of her own. Perhaps she is jealous that you got married to a great guy. Perhaps she doesn't feel you have as much in common anymore because you are part of a couple. She might think you don't need her. maybe you could think about reaching out again, admitting you don't feel like you have it all together and would love a friend to talk to?

I just wanted to offer a few alternative ideas, and to let you know people can change. you can learn to accept yourself, even from the depths of despair, as long as you reach out for help as you've done here. Every person has value. you have value and a unique beauty only you possess.

Best

GW

[baet123]

Hi Sasa,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for posting.

Sorry to hear that you have been struggling for a while now and many of us can relate to what your going through and you most definitely aren't alone. It is great that you are getting things off your chest as it is always better to express our thoughts and emotions. I can tell that your extremely loving, caring, resilient and strong and this is amazing.

Why do you say you don't deserve to be happy? Every one deserves to be happy and your no different. We all have so much to give.

Are you seeing any health professionals at present? I believe that once our health and quality of life begins to deteriorate due to mental health conditions, professional treatment/intervention is necessary. You may wish to consider visiting your GP and explaining your situation to him/her and discussing the possibility of going on a mental health care plan which will provide you with a minimum of 10 subsidised psychologist sessions.

You say that you have seen many therapists and shrinks but have you seen any psychologists or therapists that you have been able to click with and felt that you established great client-professional relationship? The client-professional relationship is so important to one's recovery and if you were to consider therapy sessions as a treatment option, ensure that you find a professional who your extremely comfortable with, one that you click with and a professional which you genuinely believe cares for you. A combination of seeing a psychologist and medication may greatly assist you so you may wish to consider this as a realistic option. Prolonged periods of treatment and medication is important to and regular appointments with your healthcare professionals is paramount.

Hope this helps.

All the best,

Nick.

[Is_This_It]

Hi Sasa,

Your post stood out to me. I'm also new on here, in fact this is my first post. The intro page encourages us to join an existing thread & I came across yours. I hear you, I feel the same sometimes, that every single facet of life has to be so difficult, so unfair, such a struggle and consequently so unenjoyable. To outsiders it looks like I have so much, and I do, a healthy family, friends and enough resources to get by comfortably. I feel guilty for having what some others who struggle do not, but at the same time I can't get anywhere with anything ever. I feel like I'm the lowest of low priority on every agenda of every person, organisation, opportunity, event ... like I simply don't deserve what other people just routinely receive. I also feel like this extends to getting help: I arranged a psychologist for a family member who is exactly the right fit for them. I can't see this person because they are seeing the family member. I would like to see someone similar but if I look into it there is no-one closeby to where I live. Today again I looked up online resources to what appear to be reputable resources for sourcing a psychologist but all the web links are broken and end up in error pages - so I'm back to thinking that it's just too hard and these roadblocks just keep telling me not to bother because I'm not worth it. There's some stuff I'd really like to get off my chest as to the reason why some days I am crying from when I wake up to when I go to bed, only pulling myself together when I have to see other people. In a nutshell it's just the accumulation of disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. Like you Sasa I try so hard to make a good go at everything. I try to be an effective, kind and thoughtful human being, but I just fall short time and time again of being taken as worthwhile or worthy of anything except the lowest/meanest/stingiest offering that can be acceptably given in any circumstance. Is it because we try so hard? Too kind? I don't think my expectations are too high; I don't have any high-flying or unrealistic expectations about relationships, lifestyle, achievements, & so on. It still seems to be impossible to seek a simple life and get by without constant disappointment of being put last, ignored, and used up without any of the rewards others seem to collect so easily. I hear you Sasa &hope you can work through to a place of gaining the attention & acknowledgement you deserve. x