Feeling depressed because I can't see my Granchildren

FeathersnFluff · ‎15-01-2020

I have posted in the Family issues section before and received a lot of support which was very appreciated. My problem now is my DIL who my son in separated from has filed a protection order on me where I temporarily can't see my two Grandsons. I attended Court a couple of days ago and i am fighting the charges with a very good Solicitor. I have lodged my Afadavit and my Solicitor is confident that I will come out on top as it is in his words to the Judge 'a vixacous and malicous attempt to get even with my son through me " The hearing isn't until the 29th of April and I just feel miserable all the time. All I want to do is sleep and hope when I wake up everything will be different. How do I pull myself out of this blue funk I'm in. I can't get in to see a Psychologist until 17 March.

NoHope8 · ‎17-10-2020

Dear, dear FeathersnFluff.

I have just read your sad story... I came to this forum today to vent how sad I am that my ex husband took my children away 7 years ago and how hard every day is to live through since then......

.....my parents...my poor parents had to go through this with me...their only grandchildren also alienated from them as me....thats what it is...alienation.... I am so sorry. I watched my parents age 20 years overnight with all the stress...not to mention expense...They went through about 10000, I went through around 60,000....we all ran out of money after a few months of fighting...hindsight...don't put money in...if you must go legal...represent yourself...being heartbroken as well as poverty line is a hard cross to bear.

There is nothing I can say or do to bring happiness back in to your world....the grandkids may come back..they may not...but they will be messed up...and thats another heartbreaking thing to think about. My father has blocked my children from his world or he couldn't keep going, my mother...well she tries but is so very very angry...which does her no good.....there are wonderful support groups for people like us on facebook...they will make you both feel less alone...and if there is any legal or other road to take...they will be full of wonderful advice. Hopw that will help a little. All the very very best x PS don't stress about your daughter being furious...i think thats great...one of the horrible things about mine is people who support my ex by being friendly with him and not confronting...if your daughter was friendly with her brother after this and got to see the grandkids without you it would create a huge barrier between the 2 of you and much sadness and grief would follow that splitting your family up even further. Take heart in her. Big hug x

Tangney · ‎18-10-2020

Hello. I understand your daughter's reaction to wanting nothing to do with her brother. Sometimes parents forget that in focussing a lot on the problems of one child, leaves other children with a deficit of normal attention, which can cause resentment. This situation would have significantly impacted your daughter as well, even though she has a nice husband. Your daughter may feel that she needs to cut contact with her brother to protect herself. It seems clear that he is rather shameless in his asking for money and support, even in the circumstances. She may be so angry and disgusted with this behaviour that she can't be civil towards him or your DIL. Sadly, you can't choose your family. Regarding your grandchildren, I know many people who have been through similar things. Unfortunately, grandparents, aunts and uncles, are not given the status that they deserve in the legal system. Best wishes to you.

Tangney · ‎18-10-2020

Hi Feathers, just to add to my last post. While you may feel that your family is fractured, I believe that the police were correct to say that your son has done this. It seems as though you have a loyal and wonderful daughter and successful marriage of over 40 years, but that your son's behaviour (and poor choice of partner) is dominating the whole family. Why does he have so much power? Have your told your daughter how proud you are about the way that she has turned out? Your son clearly knows the power he wields and doesn't care about the impact on you, your husband or his sister. Your daughter is probably seeing things much more clearly coming from a sibling point of view. She is probably sick of being pushed aside for her brother. She's probably in great pain and feeling that her brother has stolen her parents from her. I have a close friend who has gone through this. No matter what she does, her parents are always focussed on the sibling who childishly demands all the attention, even though he's 50 years old and has no-one to blame but himself.

FeathersnFluff · ‎20-10-2020

Dear NoHope8

I am so sorry you have had to go through such a loss. As a parent that must be heartbreaking for you and awful for your parents. I am still raw at the moment with the Final Order only delivered on 7 October. My Solicitor was probably right in telling me to accept the Order on a Non Admissions basis and save our money for down the track when things might change. I understand your Mother being angry. You have both ploughed so much money and time into trying to see the children. I hope they come looking for you one day.

FeathersnFluff · ‎20-10-2020

Thank you Tangney for your insight. My Daughter and I are very close. I try not to talk about my son and the situation to her anymore as I do not want to weigh her down. She has been a rock through this mess and I couldn't have made it this far without her. I was very much aware of the toll everything has taken on her. ..when I hurt she hurts. I actually came here this morning to declare I was a failure. I hadn't smoked for 28 years and whilst under pressure took up smoking again. A couple of days ago I decided to stop and this morning I cracked and smoked again. I know it is not a healthy coping mechanism but I think I didn't plan well enough to stop smoking. My heart still wishes I had have fought like hell in Court but my thinking side stopped me.

blondguy · ‎21-10-2020

Hi Feathers

I actually regret fighting in the family court as it didnt really change anything...even though I won the court case and the mother was threatened with imprisonment she kept flouting the courts decision anyway

I feel your pain and anguish Feathers.....the pain is awful

Please dont be so hard on yourself where smoking is concerned....You are a star for having 30 years without them. My mum is 90 and smokes a pack a day....and her lung function test is perfect

questions/comments are always welcome!

Paul

FeathersnFluff · ‎22-10-2020

Thank you Paul. Well I have another event to get my head around. My daughter was contacted by a friend about an Instagram post my DIL put up. It appears we are about to be Grandparents again around February to a little girl. One more Grandchild we probably won't see. As I said in previous posts I suspected my son had reconciled while all the Court mess was going on. I asked him outright if that was the case and he replied no we have not. I then asked him if his wife was pregnant and he said no she is not. More lies. I have supported him emotionally and financially more than a year and he can't even talk straight to me. I understand that he has made a decision to stay with his family and that's fine but why not just own it. I still worry for how our Grandchildren will grow up in a violent volatile atmosphere with constant fights and Police arriving at the door every couple of months. How will they ever learn that marriage for the most part should be kind, loving and supportive?

Croix · ‎22-10-2020

Dear FeathersnFluff~

Of course you worry about this and are powerless.

The one thing you can do is be an oasis of truth, calm, love, strength and the living examples of how life should be. It may have no effect this instant but people change, kids grow, needs become more apparent.

Small comfort at the moment I know, however you may be an inspiration to more people than you imagine.

Croix

FeathersnFluff · ‎23-10-2020

Thank you Croix. I was once all those things you desribed "an Oasis of truth, calm, love and strength" I have to steadily get back to that place. My Daughter told me a couple of weeks back that I had spent my whole life helping everyone else and now it was time to start loving and take care of myself. ....very wise girl for 29. I can't change my personality. I have always been a "helper" My daughter said that is your nature but you need to help those that deserve it. I think I lost myself in the last five years. I used to have a wicked sense of humour and lifted people up.... I am going to slowly fan that fire again. I know things will get better with time and situations can change and if they don't so be it. I'm experiencing free floating anxiety so off to my dependable GP. My next appointment with my Psychologist is in December (a lot of people are experiencing Mental Health issues surrounding the Covid Virus and she is swamped) I'll get there. I have made it through my Husband's PTSD when he was at his lowest and I'll make it through this. I'd like to thank everybody who has helped me on the forums particularly you Croix....we seem to be a "good fit". I'm going to check in from time to time. Maybe when I have my ducks in a row I might be able to help someone else who comes to the Forums seeking support.

Croix · ‎23-10-2020

>when I have my ducks in a row

Ah, I wondered where all the feathers and fluff came from

-C (who thinks your advice to others would be a positive asset)