Feeling depressed because I can't see my Granchildren

[FeathersnFluff]

I have posted in the Family issues section before and received a lot of support which was very appreciated. My problem now is my DIL who my son in separated from has filed a protection order on me where I temporarily can't see my two Grandsons. I attended Court a couple of days ago and i am fighting the charges with a very good Solicitor. I have lodged my Afadavit and my Solicitor is confident that I will come out on top as it is in his words to the Judge 'a vixacous and malicous attempt to get even with my son through me " The hearing isn't until the 29th of April and I just feel miserable all the time. All I want to do is sleep and hope when I wake up everything will be different. How do I pull myself out of this blue funk I'm in. I can't get in to see a Psychologist until 17 March.

[FeathersnFluff]

You were right Croix. I had to change Solicitor's because of a conflict of interest (I retained my Solicitor for my son first for him to get legal advice) Because my son wrote a statement for a Parenting Order with his wife that supported her statement of my husband and myself being unfit parents. My new Solicitor is very experienced and I had a Court date set for 7 October. We have already spent approximately $5000 in legal fees. My new Solicitor said it is obvious to her that my DIL has lied to her teeth out and I have very good supporting evidence but explained that the Courts always lean towards the Applicant in DVO's. She said I would require the services of a Barrister. The costs for his appearance and hers would be in the vicinity of $8000 and of course no guarantee of a positive outcome. She discussed the option of offering to Accept the DVO on a NO ADMITTANCE basis. That means that I will accept the DVO terms but do not agree that any of the accusations made by my DIL are true and no Domestic Violence has occured. As my husband and I are pensioners and using the equity in our home to fight this case she felt it may be a better option to save our money and hope our son comes around and changes his Parenting Order and visitation could be included for us in that. The Family Court overrides the Magistrates Court making the DVO ineffective. A long story I know. Anyway I have decided to go this route which means I will not be able to have contact with our Grandchildren for 5 years.....depressing. But wait....on top of that the penny has dropped and I believe our son has reconciled with his wife some months ago. We have not seen him since May and only hear from him when he wants money. So it appears that all along we have been bolstering his households income with our money (drug use involved) Coming to the realization that I have been played so long makes me feel so depressed that he has manipulated me because he knows how much I love him and find it hard to say no when he pleads.....always via text....not even a phone call. It's a lot to get my head around at the moment.

[Croix]

Dear FeathersnFluff~

What you propose to do, to Accept the DVO on a NO ADMITTANCE basis, sounds very sensible. Legal actions are holes into which you pour money, not necessarily with any outcome at all, let alone one in your favor. I strongly suspect the figures quoted in fees are way under.

I'm sorry about your son he sounds a rather easily led person and really asking you for money by texts having taken out/supported the AVO is just not on.

If he came face to face, and talked it might be more hopeful, however it sounds as if you are simply being used.

Do you feel compelled to just hand over money, or can you use it as a lever to have him visit and work towards getting things changed?

Look, many people in your situation, particularly with a history of PTSD (which I have too) can get overwhelmed, if either of you get so down you feel like taking your lives then you need a plan, something you do not have to do any thinking abut or decision making at the dark time.

First I'd suggest you both have a safety plan each like I use, there is a good one here for a smartphone you fill in advance, preferably together.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning\

You fill it in in beforehand with all the things that you might enjoy or make you feel calmer. It will be different for each of you, when I did it my partner had to help, as I could not think of those things by myself.

I have books, music, visiting a friend, movies and comedy routines from an Irish comedian - humor helps me.

If all else fails and you want the comfort of a sensible human voice I personally suggest the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). Organizations like that one exist for people like yourselves and giving them a bell is expected. It is free.

Please let me know how you go

Croix

[FeathersnFluff]

Well it's done Criox. I made an offer to my DIL to accept the DVO on a "no admissions " basis. She accepted it very quickly and went to my Solicitor's to sign the necessary paperwork.Police arrived Saturday afternoon to deliver the Final Order. I couldn't help myself from bursting into tears. They stayed for about 20 minutes listening to me blurt out what had happened. They were very sympathetic whilst remaining professional. One Officer as he left turned back to say "Hang in there...things can change" My Solicitor said the very same thing when I left her Office. I felt I had "signed off" on my Grandchildren and she hugged me and said you have done nothing wrong and are obviously a kind and loving Mother and Grandparent. Your son and DIL have done this to you and it is not your fault. She said she was glad I went for a non admissions basis because I think you are going to need your money later down the track when things blow up between your son and DIL and you may have to step in to help your Grandchildren then.

My son texted me the day after the telephone hearing begging for money. ..of course playing me by saying "they"needed food for the boys. I couldn't believe he would be so insensitive to do that!! I finally mustered the courage to say no to any more money but we would always love him and our door will always be open. Then I got a barrage of phone calls from him still begging. When my husband heard me crying he came into the bedroom took my phone off me and said "Sorry mate but your Mother is very upset and I'm going to hang up now"

Now the difficult process of moving on. I need to focus on the loving relationships that I do have with my husband, our daughter and her husband.

[Croix]

Dear FeathersnFluff~

There's two things about you, you are very brave, and you have a realistic view of matters, no matter how emotionally laden they are.

I don't just mean saying no to your son, but the fact you listened to the solicitor and copper who are quite right that thngs do change, in fact they probably will.

Also you can see the fact you have people still to love and be loved by.

I'm not saying you will not be upset for a long time, it will have its surges at times

We are always here for you whenever you want.

Croix

[FeathersnFluff]

Thank you Croix. You are very kind. Maybe not today or tomorrow or the next day but everything is going to be OK eventually.

[Croix]

Dear FeathersnFluff~

I think you are right, in the meantime if you want to rail at fate write here, also if things improve.

I look forward to hearing from you in the future

Croix

[blondguy]

Hello FeathersnFluff

Im a latecomer to your thread topic and I see Croix has been providing some helpful support above

I am in the same situation as yourself with grandchildren and yes this is painful to experience as a grandparent. I also have difficulty finding the strength to cope after being in the Family Court system for long in the 1990's and 2000's

Like the poster above (Croix) mentioned above 'we' are here for you FeathersnFluff

my kind thoughts and respect

Paul

[FeathersnFluff]

Thank you Paul. I am so sorry you have had to go through this too. I'm a bit raw at the moment but ever hopeful that one day I will see my much loved Grandsons again ...even if it is when they are older and are free to seek me out.

[FeathersnFluff]

I do have one further problem that someone might be able to help me with.

My daughter now refuses to even acknowledge my son as her brother because of the pain I have gone through. They were once very close. So I have a fractured family unit as well. She is very black and white whereas my husband and I are older and recognise there are grey areas. Our daughter simply cannot understand why we haven't totally disconnected ourselves from our son and seems somehow mad that we have still left our door open to contact with him. I have told her that is fine she is an adult and can make her own choices.

I have a fractured family.

[Croix]

Dear FeathersnFluff~

I think it is understandable that at the moment your daughter wants nothing to do with him, after all she too is grieving over loss, having gone from being very close to the opposite will leave a hole in her life similar to yours.

Love does not normally switch off if you are a parent, and despite all sorts of things the door to possible reconciliation is most often left open.

Perhaps instead of concentrating on the shortcomings of her brother she might reflect upon the love her parents have for both their children, and be glad she has the sure knowledge that due to your natures you would be there for her in adversity.

You could also remind her that this association with a very different culture may not remain the same in the future -if he was in dire need would she abandon him?

Croix