Feel like my world is being ripped apart

[Alone78]

Yesterday morning, I got out of bed, ready to face the day, as it was the day I got to see Shannon Noll perform. Excited as I was, I thought 'Nothing can destroy this moment!'. Boy, was I ever way wrong. I received a message via my Facebook messenger, from my birth sister, Caitlin, stating that my birth father Ken, was diagnosed with cancer, and that the kemo treatments he was receiving, were not working for him as well as they should have been, and that he now may not have much longer. When I found my birth father, Ken, it felt to me, like I finally found where I belonged in this insane world, that I finally knew who I was, and why I was here. All my life, I had always felt like I never fit in anywhere, like I didn't belong. But like I said, that all changed when I found and met my birth father. And now, it feels like my spine is being ripped out of me, with the news that he may not have much longer. At first, I hated Caitlin for telling me this, I then started to feel my anger change from Caitlin, to the cancer that was attacking Ken. I refused to believe it, and started to cry at the fact that I was losing him. I started thinking to myself, that I didn't care anymore, and that I wished it wasn't happening. My partner Jason, reminded me that I was so looking forward to seeing Shannon Noll, at a venue close to where we live, and that I'd been waiting for this moment for a long time. But he could see that I was soon going to be going down that long dark path I usually favour, whenever I get news like that so bad. He then said that he had to go out for a short while, and as I was only concerned with drinking my sorrow and depression away, he saw that I would be alright, for that short time that he was going to be gone. When he came back, he had one of our best friends with him, and said that I needed people around me. So Jason and our friend Nathan helped me to get ready to go out to see Shannon, and they were right. It did cheer me up a little. After, we went to our favourite karaoke spot, and had a few songs each there. but after I'd come home, I found that news about Ken, started to creep back into my memories, and I find myself depressed again, and wishing it wasn't him that I will soon be losing. I'm sorry I wrote so long, but needed to get that off my chest, but right now, I don't know where else I can turn. True, my partner knows of my bad news, but the truth of the matter is, that I'm just not coping with the news of Ken losing his life to cancer.

[White_Rose]

Dear Alone

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am so sorry you have received this dreadful news. It is always hard to learn someone you love will not live much longer. And disappointing you heard about it via FB. How long have you known Ken? I take it you get on well with him. Do you also get on well with your siblings? Do you live near Ken? I ask because I think you will want to visit him soon.

Living with the knowledge that Ken will soon pass away will be difficult. It always is. You need friends and family around to support you. Go and visit him as soon as possible and see what is happening. He will need support from you and will want to know that you love him.

Were you an adopted child or did your parents separate. Not being nosey, I think it makes a difference. If you were adopted, do you know your birth mother? As I said, you do need family around you as much as possible at this time. You can help and support each other and give each other strength to get through this. This is a painful time for everyone and no matter what you do you will hurt. You commented that you turn to drink when troubles arise. Please try to keep away from alcohol. It's only a temporary fix and you will still hurt plus have a hangover.

I think it would be nice if you stayed sober especially when you see your dad. He will not want to think his death is causing you to drink. There is nothing you can do to avoid this pain and I know how much it will hurt having lost both parents and my sister. My dad and my sister had cancer. I know you wish it was not happening, we all wish that. So go and see him very soon. Regret is harder to manage than pain. What if you don't see him again?

Writing down all your feelings on BB is what it is here for. We will help you as much as we can so keep on writing. Let us know how you are going.

Mary

[kanga_brumby]

Welcome Alone to beyond blue. You story has touched me deeply. As a similar thing happened to me. My mother was diagnosed with cancer. When she was over seas, she returned to Australia. took treatment. they fixed that lot. but did more tests found another lot of cancer. more treatment, which failed. unfortunately that was that. she never got to see or meet her grand daughter. All we can do as people is our best be strong for those who are ill support them. then move on. I still miss my mum wish she was here. but As long as I remember her she lives as a young well woman.

Kanga

[Alone78]

Hi White Rose and Kanga,

First of all I want to thank you for your replies. And in answer to some of your questions white rose, I have known Ken, my birth-father, since 2011. I found him through the electoral roll, with just his name, thanks to my birth-mother not wanting me to know him at all, heartless *witch. (Will explain that one in a minute) I would like to say that I get along well with him, but the truth is, since my partner and I moved, I have lost all contact with him, despite giving my birth-sister my details and asking her to let him know my new details and where he could have come to visit, if he so wanted to. I guess I must have reminded him of my 'birth-mother' in a way, when I'm nothing like her. I don't really speak to my other siblings, because of her. At the moment, my partner and I reside in Townsville, while Ken is in Mackay. (The same place as 'her') I'd rather not go back there, because of the last time I was there, she tried to have me arrested! I would like to see him again, but only if he wants to see me as well. (Like I said, I probably remind Ken of 'her', and his memories could be too painful to face yet.) Yes I was adopted, because my birth-mother didn't want me. When I did visit her after she found me, for the first time, I guess I wasn't what she was expecting to see, and told me that I was a mistake, after we had a slight argument. also her way of telling me about family illnesses and potential genealogical defects, where 'I hope you die of a heart attack one day, because you are not my daughter. I adore my adopted mom a lot, and my adopted dad is alright, however it still left me wondering where I fit into their family, as I was a lot different. But we get together on the holidays and we are a happy family. Yes I have turned to alcohol n the past, however I've been lucky enough not to wake up with a hangover. (still trying to figure that one out, lol) I only hope that my birth-sister will find it in her heart to ask him if he can make contact with me, so that I might be able to make arrangements to come to Mackay and see him without my birth-mother knowing. But I guess only time can tell. Fate has a way of being a *itch to me. 😞 :'(

[White_Rose]

Hello Alone

Can you write to your birth dad and tell him you would like to visit? Rather than wait to go through a third party who may forget or not interested in helping you visit your dad. I take it she lives near him. You may look like your birth mom but I doubt your dad holds that against you. Try and contact him yourself and arrange a visit. I think it would give both of you some comfort.

No need to let your birth mom know you are in Mackay. It's big enough that you are hardly likely to bump into her in the street.

It's good you and your adoptive parents are on good terms. Perhaps your mom can help you contact your dad.

Mary

[demonblaster]

Hi Alone,

Sorry darl to hear that sad news.

I read a couple of replies. White Rose spoke from the heart & made a lot of sense.
I agree if you are able to visit it'll help with the grieving process that is what you're going through now.
Grieving is one of the top hardest times of our lives, be gentle with yourself & take as long as you need to get through this.

If you're not able to visit these days fortunately there are so many ways to make contact regularly.
Maybe Skype, texting, video calls etc

Not now cause it's all so raw for you but later in time when the fog lifts you'll be able to appreciate the few yrs that sounds like yous get on well & reflect on that.

I agree too with White Rose, although the grog kinda drowns the pain, it's actually a depressant which many don't know. I do understand the want to drown it out for a while though.

Don't know if you're into it but excercise is great for stress release, ease into it I suggest.

Great you got to see Shannon, seems like a decent bloke & what a voice. Magic. Hold onto the good parts of that memory.

I'm sure he knows you love & care about him which is beautiful for both of you.

Sorry for your pain