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dont know whats wrong and feel a little dumb
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basically i have a lot in my life that im thankful to have but i have no idea why i feel so down. i have two loving healthy parents, i go to college at a good uni, i have really good job prospects, but i just feel horrible. i dont want to get out of bed, i dont want to talk to anyone, my friends piss me off, and i cannot bring myself to do even the tiniest bit of work unless i have some medication. it feels like everything takes so much effort and i have to 'put it on' because no one wants to be around the bummy depressed bloke. i just want to rot in bed and live through those micro dreams you get when you wake up and go back to bed really quickly. it's not as bad as last semester when i would sleep for 20-24 hours on average and i lost 6kg because i was skipping meals because i didnt want to get up or talk to people, but i feel constantly unmotivated like whats-the-point kinda feeling. which is not good because i really need to lock in for internships but i dont want to prepare. i have 'friends' that i talk to at college but because i couldn't really interact much w them at the start of the year because i wasnt 18 now im like out of the loop and i cant see myself getting back in and it just feels like im the last resort like the last choice to hang out w kinda thing. and idk if thats the reason but i remember not being 18 was really really bad for my health at the start of the year which is a bit silly but it is what it is i guess. and its really annoying because i know i have the potential to do really well at uni but because i dont want to do anything i wont. i mean we're 4 weeks into the semester and i havent started two subjects. and idk if its depression or anxiety or adhd or a mix of a few things because theres like symptoms for all of them but i wanna go to a gp or psychiatrist to get it checked out but the issue is im so unmotivated that i cant even make the effort to go to it. i mean its an hour tram ride away and i cant be bothered walking for a minute to get food so low chances. and idk if its a bit of existential stuff as well because icl life seems really bland and grey and i dont see the point of going on like this. its not like i wanna kill myself but i dont really want to live either. idk why im writing this i just feel really stupid for feeling so bad when i know theres so many people who would trade lives with me in an instant and im not ungrateful or anything just really confused. maybe im trying to see if anyone else feels this way
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Hi seshgremlin,
Welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your raw emotions and experience.
I'm not a medical professional but based on my own past experience it seems like you are going through a depression phase. Unfortunately depression doesn't need reasons. Even when you have everything you need right in-front of you, you can still feel a big black whole.
What helped me during the difficult times is telling myself that it's ok to feel unhappy. That it's ok to slack, neglect house chores, put a pause on busy life and have some me time doing nothing but something lazy and enjoying, like watching movies or reading or even sleeping. However, it's not good to skip meals or neglect self care, so do take away or make something quick and easy.
Is it an option to get a study break for a semester? Medical conditions like this would grant one as I'm aware. That will give you a break to visit GP if you want to as well as a fresh start in the next semester. Then you can put all your energy and focus on getting a great internship as well. Something to motivate you and look forward to.
In terms of friends unfortunately, what you are going through will make you look like an unenthusiastic friend, which has happened to me as well. So perhaps you can focus on just a couple of good friends and speak to then about your situation if that's a possibility. That way you don't feel the pressure but also you have someone to talk to and help with your progressive journey.
Hope you find the strength to overcome this phase.. Don't hesitate to keep writing.
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i feel like ive taken enough time off but it hasnt really done anything. ive probably only done like 6 hours of study this whole month and thats including 4 when i was on medication for a day. i dont even know what i spend my time on. ive run out of movies and youtube videos and games dont really interest me any more and i cant be bothered reading so either i doomscroll tiktok for like 8 hours straight or i stare at my wall. made a poetry piece for a contest at my college but thats pretty much it. dont do music any more. dont do sports any more. been probably a month as well since i last went to the gym which i used to love going to. kinda just spending my time sleeping so the days have kinda blurred together and i never know what day it is. talking to people is a chore. on the occasional day i'll feel fine then the next i'll feel horrible. i went to bed at like 8 last night thinking i might as well fix my sleep schedule and woke up at 12pm and have been feeling tired and shit the whole day. friend group went out for drinks but i couldnt be bothered going because again i just feel kinda ostracized. tried journalling but it was a bit sad and i ran out of thoughts because im not doing anything so theres nothing new so that stopped. its so weird being in this state of in between. like im so bored but i dont want to do anything so instead i just kinda sit there. i dont even know if i think most of the time. i just zone out thinking about nothing then wake up and realise theres still nothing to do and nothings changed. just hoping things will pick up at some point. 18th birthday coming up and we're supposed to go out and its gonna be fun but then after that idk. guess i'll live again for one day and then back to whatever this is after. i dont even know why im typing this im just bored i guess and this gave me a few minutes of doing something. i think i will just sit after this or try to go to bed.
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Hi seshgremlin
I feel for you so much with you facing such a tormenting time in life. With you mentioning the state of in between, I have to say I'm a gal who's far from being a fan of 'the in between'. It can feel so incredibly depressing at times, being in that limbo state between who we were and who we're going to be. In between, there just doesn't seem like any sense of solid identity or direction. As I say, not a fan. Took me many years to finally realise this is typically the state in which I need a guide, one who'll shed light (helping make greater sense of things) while also giving me a sense of the way forward.
If it's of any help to know, with the periods in depression that I've faced over the years, there's always been some kind of equation involved. Certain things have added up to depression. So, there can be a number of triggers at play that contribute to/equate to depression. I've found a good question to ask is 'Is this a physical equation, a mental equation or soulful/soul destroying equation?'. Sometimes it can involve all 3. To offer an example, I can tell you that depressing low levels of B12 can be a physical issue that generates some mental dialogue that can sound a little like 'You're hopeless. You can't even get off the couch. What good are you? Why do you even exist?'. It can all become rather soul destroying after a while. If plenty of energy (including chemical energy) is the feeling of life running through you, a lack of the chemistry known as B12 and a lack of the chemical processes B12 facilitates can leave a person feeling almost lifeless and definitely depressed. I tend to find that everything depressing adds up to a need. In this case, everything simply added up to a need for B12 injections.
Whether things for you are adding up to a need for guidance or a need for blood tests (to see what your chemistry's doing) or a need for an ADHD assessment, a need for adventure (adding ventures in order to escape a 'groundhog day' kind of existence), a need to establish health based or energy based goals, a need to identify and better understand your thoughts and emotions, a need to find people who can relate to how you feel, a need to address inner dialogue, a need to bring certain facets in you to life, a need to manage mental exhaustion (that can lead to physical exhaustion) or something else, it's not always easy to know what the need's about. I've found that when the need is identified and finally met, my thought is always the same, 'No wonder I was feeling the way I was. It all makes complete sense'.
In the in between, the verge of gaining insight/answers, the need can seem impossible to identify. The verge can definitely feel like a lonely place at times until we find people who can relate to it. Btw, being grateful for what we have doesn't always stop us from still feeling a mental, physical and/or soulful need that must be met.
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Hi seshgremlin
I'm glad you can see a way forward. I smile when I say that the unromantic version of who we are is 'a big fleshy bag of chemical reactions and other stuff'. So, when things are out of whack we can definitely feel the lack of chemistry that can make life much easier and far more enjoyable. Must say that I do prefer the romantic version, the idea that we thrive on a natural sense excitement, inspiration and all that other stuff that fuels the soul. I suppose you could say we humans are a bit of a mixed bag.
When it comes to emotion, I once heard it said that emotion is 'energy in motion' or e-motion, chemical energy included. No two ways about it, dopamine receptors absolutely thrive on energy.
