Done

[sylvwah]

I'm done.

I stopped anti-depressants because they made me too fatigued and I still thought constantly of suicide. I no longer believe they can work.

I dropped out of my uni course that I started this year because of anxiety

I cancelled my psychiatrist because at $300 a visit, it's just a pot luck on experimenting with pills and I think they are reckless.

My relationship with my partner feels like a bomb has gone off. I feel like hiding from my partner and newborn baby. I can't look after my older kids l. I'm so tired.

I can no longer be bothered exercising. I left the social groups I'm part of - board games and baby playgroups.

I'm done. I don't want to talk to family or friends or do anything. I'm so ashamed of who I am.

After 4 years of psychology and two attempts at anti-depressants everything is so much worse and everything I've been striving for has been a waste of time. I don't think there is anything next.

[Sophie_M]

Dear sylvwah We’re really glad you could come to the forum to share this with our community. We know it isn’t easy to share something like this, but we think it’s a powerful step and we really appreciate your openness and bravery in sharing.

We’ve reached out to you privately to make sure you’re ok. If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There’s also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

We also really recommend having a look at the Beyond Blue safety planning app. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and complete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

PLEASE NOTE:  If you ever feel unsafe, please call 000 (triple zero), or attend your nearest hospital emergency department for care. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[yggdrasil]

Hi Sylvwah,

I'm so glad you posted on here. I completely relate to where you are at. I was also in that place for many many years. It really feels like torture. Torture people tell you you can just therapy your way out of. It's never that simple.

It sounds improving your immediate practical situation is the priority, before even thinking about the psychology stuff. It sounds like the day-to-day has burned you out. Is there any possibility of receiving support/respite on some of the parenting duties? Perhaps from extended family? If the psychiatry is not helping maybe you could use the money for after school child care etc?

I think you've correctly identified aspects of psychology/psychiatry are basically trial and error (pot luck). The are some solid general principles (exercise, gratitude, sense of awe, mindfulness etc etc) but how each individual pursues these things can be very different. I found exploring spiritual stuff (for sense of awe, gratitude, community etc) helped me alot. This was a crazy step for me - no one in my family is religious. Lots more to say but out of characters! All the best,

yggdrasil

[therising]

Hi sylvwah

Wish I was there with you encouraging you to cry your eyes out, scream your lungs out while proclaiming to everyone 'Serve me in the ways where I will actually feel a difference!!!'.

It sounds like you've reached a state of pure exhaustion. Having manged the ins and outs of depression since my late teens (I'm now 52) and being mum to 2 babies who are now 17 and 20 years old, I'd have to say managing depression and being a parent who's doing some of the hardest years in parenting (those early years) are 2 of the most exhausting, demanding and mind altering challenges in life, partly because they contain so many factors.

Managing depression can mean managing what doesn't work while managing the soul destroying quest for the right meds while managing the feelings that come with depression, the torturous self doubt, the truly horrible internal dialogue, the exhausting stress and pressure, the kinds of judgements from others that you could happily do without etc. It is seriously hard work.

Parenting, oh my goodness. It can be brutal, putting it mildly. You can end up finding out why sleep deprivation is used as a legitimate form of torture in some parts of the world. Let's ramp up the self doubt, the brutal internal dialogue and the feelings of failure to 100, amongst of other challenging factors. Don't get me started on the inability to breast feed easily. 'You just need to try harder' are 6 of the most triggering and depressing words a mum can hear at times, believe me.

Truth is you are amazing (you amaze me), you're an incredibly hard worker, you're a deep and sensitive feeler of feelings, you're a raiser of life while also trying to raise yourself through and beyond all the challenges you face. If energy is what it takes to feel a connection to life, it can be so hard to feel that connection when the energy's not there.

Discussing with your GP how to seriously treat pure exhaustion while also getting some blood tests done could be a new avenue. None of that 'Oh, it's just a part of life' garbage, when it comes to such a seriously depressing lack of energy. Through personal experience, I've learned depression can have a mountain of triggers all happening at once.

[HelloGail]

Hello sylvwah

You sound like an intelligent person it's great you have reached out here. Please login here to BeyondBlue as it is a great backup and so is Lifeline. My advice is to avoid sugary and fatty foods; eat plenty of nuts, sunflower seeds work really well for me and spinach of course fruit and veg. For me, to keep up my mental strength comes down to what I am eating so ensure not to neglect your health. Hope to see you check back in here.💚

[HelloGail]

Hello sylvwah

If it's okay to mention here, if you are able to listen to any Podcasts, I recommend Jessica Rowe, The Jess Rowe Talk Show it is titled. Thank you.

[Beth_123]

Dear Sylvwah,

I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles you're facing right now. It sounds like you're feeling completely overwhelmed and exhausted with everything in your life. Please know that you're not alone and there is hope for feeling better.

It's understandable that you stopped taking antidepressants if they were making you feel fatigued and suicidal. However, it's important to understand that there are many different types of medications and doses that can be tailored to your specific needs. I would encourage you to talk to your doctor about these concerns and explore other options that might work better for you.

It's also understandable that you dropped out of your uni course and left your social groups due to anxiety. However, it's important to find healthy ways to cope and manage your anxiety. This might include therapy, mindfulness techniques, or seeking support from a mental health professional.

Regarding your relationship with your partner and newborn, it's important to communicate with them about how you're feeling and seek support from them. It might also be helpful to involve a couples therapist or a family therapist to work through any challenges and improve communication.

Lastly, please don't feel ashamed of who you are. Depression is a real illness and it's not your fault. It takes time, effort, and patience to heal, but it is possible. You're not a failure and your experiences are valid. Please reach out for help and know that you're not alone in this journey.

[sylvwah]

Hi yggdrasil,

Thanks for your response

It sounds like the day-to-day has burned you out. Is there any possibility of receiving support/respite on some of the parenting duties? Perhaps from extended family? If the psychiatry is not helping maybe you could use the money for after school child care etc?

Unfortunately we have no family support nearby. I like the idea of getting a baby sitter. It's a little tricky with a newborn and I have a 1 yr old that is very attached. I know it's probably an easy thing to book but things feel harder than maybe they are. I want to say I'll try, but I know I probably won't, despite knowing it would help. I appreciate the suggestion none the less.

I think you've correctly identified aspects of psychology/psychiatry are basically trial and error (pot luck). The are some solid general principles (exercise, gratitude, sense of awe, mindfulness etc etc) but how each individual pursues these things can be very different. I found exploring spiritual stuff (for sense of awe, gratitude, community etc) helped me alot. This was a crazy step for me - no one in my family is religious. Lots more to say but out of characters! All the best,

I think I've explored everything BUT spirituality. I've exercised most of my life for mental health, kept gratitude journals, practiced mindfulness etc Ive been in psychotherapy for years. Some things helped me, but progress has always felt so fleeting. I don't know what I am missing. Why did spirituality help you?

[sylvwah]

Hi therising,

Thanks for your reply - A friend to scream with sounds therapeutic.

It sounds like you've reached a state of pure exhaustion. Having manged the ins and outs of depression since my late teens (I'm now 52) and being mum to 2 babies who are now 17 and 20 years old, I'd have to say managing depression and being a parent who's doing some of the hardest years in parenting...

I think I reached that state of exhaustion a year or two ago 😞  I was working full time and was massively stressed at work and with a new baby at home too. I actually dropped to part time work with some encouragement from my psychologist and it helped a bit last year. Enough at least to think I'd finally get out of my industry and try something different with some study but that collapsed really quick with another bub under 2 (I have two older as well). 

Managing depression can mean managing what doesn't work while managing the soul destroying quest for the right meds while managing the feelings that come with depression, the torturous self doubt, the truly horrible internal dialogue, the exhausting stress and pressure, the kinds of judgements from others that you could happily do without etc. It is seriously hard work.

Parenting, oh my goodness. It can be brutal, putting it mildly. You can end up finding out why sleep deprivation is used as a legitimate form of torture in some parts of the world

....

Yes! You describe it all so well. I was surprised at my own feelings that reading this seemed to help. Maybe there is something in shared experiences and talking about them... I've never discussed depression outside of a therapy relationship and with my partner.

Discussing with your GP how to seriously treat pure exhaustion while also getting some blood tests done could be a new avenue. None of that 'Oh, it's just a part of life' garbage, when it comes to such a seriously depressing lack of energy. Through personal experience, I've learned depression can have a mountain of triggers all happening at once.

I have blood tests regularly for something else and they are ok. Depression does seem to trigger from so many directions though - I feel like I'm playing whack-a-mole sometimes

[sylvwah]

Thanks HelloGail for the reply and the suggestion on the podcast - I'll check it out!