Hi Baileysmells
You sound so incredibly desperate and fed up and I can't say that I blame you. My heart truly goes out to you as you feel nothing and no one making any outstanding difference to you.
I can relate to how depressing waiting can feel. At 52, I'd never felt a seriously depressing level of waiting until the last year or so. I'd experienced, in the past, a basic amount of waiting in life, a significant amount of waiting, a serious amount of waiting and even an intolerable amount but, as I say, I'd never done a depressing amount before. As you'd know, it can feel like life is at some depressing standstill that just won't seem to let you gather momentum and motivation.
It was actually thanks to a few of the regular legends on the forums here who led me to realise how I don't have to wait to make progress. I was led to see procrastination or waiting as a brick wall. I'd never seen it that way before. I was waiting for a serious lack of energy to subside, waiting to feel joy so I'd stop emotionally overeating (which is a big problem for me, along with smoking), waiting for my husband to be more productive in the way of our marriage falling apart (waiting for him to make an effort), waiting for work to be less stressful, waiting for my internal dialogue to shift and the list goes on. Overall, I was waiting to stop feeling depressed. I'd faced long term depression some years ago and I could feel its return. Now, every moment of procrastination I see I see as a brick wall. I'm not just going to get through it, I'm going to smash it. Now the question is 'How are you going to smash it, every brick wall or block you face?'.
If you feel all the meds are messing with your energy levels, not leading you to feel an energetic connection to life, smashing it might sound a little like saying to the doctors 'I'm done with all these meds stopping me from feeling connected to life. Fix it so I feel the connection. Give me one that actually works for me, not against me'. What do you think?
