Does it ever get better

[Riaido]

First time trying anything like this, ive tried psychs, they didnt help cause i would hide to much, and i have the mentality, if you cant spot it, you dont deserve to know, stupid, i know.

Pretty much i got depression a year or two ago, i dont know, i wouldn't acknowledge it, cause i was always happy an optimistic, nothing could bring me down, then i got sick with glandular fever, and it all started going down hill, i lost my health, i lost my job from that, and it eventually lead to me loosing my fiancee, took about another 6 months after all that to acknowledge i had anything wrong, i was down , didnt want to do anything, but a friend eventually got through to me, currently trying diffrent medications, and nothing seams to work, when i feel like things might be starting to get better, i just get kicked back to the ground and it feels like im starting all over again, the worst thing is i dont have my family as support, 'just do something blah blah blah, they might think it helps but it dosnt. i just constantly feel like shit and it just feels like everything is always getting worse, i just want to genuienly smile, and get excited for something again, anything.

/sigh

[White_Rose]

I also forgot my stubbornness.

Yes I feel like shit and a waste of space. It's horrible. There are times when I cannot even breathe and all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep my life away. Add a pile of medical problems that have popped up out of the blue and life looks pretty bleak. My barriers were coming down and all this got me rebuilding. I want to run away/hide/sleep/scream/whatever. But I know this will go away if I keep battling. And I don't want to make the effort because it's hard and I feel alone and worthless.

The Black Dog has me well and truly baled up. So what to do? Well in many ways I am as lost as you. I want a magic cure but I have realised there is none. Do I sound like a goody-goody? Well I'm nowhere near that. I just believe I have to go trying and work as hard as I can.

So please, start dismantling your barrier. Let your psych in. Eight sessions may sound enough to judge a psych, but not if you are holding back all the time. It's not the fault of your psych. If you are not getting anywhere maybe you need to put in a bit more. Yes there can be a good or not so good fit with your psych. You will never know until you try. And if it doesn't you can change psychs.

Also bear in mind there is no quick fix. It's a long and hard road. The thing that helped most was being in the psych's consulting room. It felt so safe, a place where I could relax and stop being on my guard in case I showed someone the real me. I could reveal myself with all my horribleness. And it made no difference. I was still accepted.

So stop being stubborn. I know it's hard to let go of your fears and shame and show them to someone else. When you do this there is no judgement. Instead there is lots of help, encouragement and reduction of pain.

Now we can go on with this conversation, trying to persuade you to get help and really make an effort to get as much as you can. Or you can get some help and we can encourage you and rejoice with you when you start your journey, helping you over the stumbling blocks and watching you get stronger and more resilient.

Which do you prefer?

Mary

[Ladyhawke]

Hi again Riaido,

​I just wanted to add that we - Mary, Geoff and I - are genuinely concerned about your health and welfare. Please don't think that once we sign off from replying to you, we just forget about you, because we don't.

We reply to other people's problems because we have been in similar situations and we want you to feel better. If we could give you more advice we would but we are limited by our own experiences - we don't have the knowledge or resouces of a psychiatrist or psychologist. 

So, don't forget: we care about you, we're thinking of you and we really want you to feel better. And as Mary said, we are looking forward to encouraging you and rejoicing with you on your journey.

Take care and best wishes,

Ladyhawke

[Riaido]

I know you guys do, and i do thank you for your concerns, my head is just so full of F*** right now, i just dont know what to think, im def gonna have to go back to my doc and get on a diff med thoe, this stuff does nothing, might talk to him about a diff psych again, as for letting barriers down, thats gonna be an effort, every time i think i can trust someone and let them in, i just get crushed and wonder why i did it in the first place..

 My escapes are either reading, cause i loose the current reality and just get sucked into it and its like nothing else exists, or getting up as high as i can, cause it feels like no one can get to me, and everyones favorite... sleeping

I just wish i knew why i started feeling like this, i know it got worse 10 fold over the past year, but it was just never this bad... blah to many thoughts to little time

[White_Rose]

Dear Riaido

You have trusted us, Ladyhawke, Geoff and me, quite a lot so far. And you don't know us. Or perhaps this is why you can trust us. When your head is full of the stuff it's the time to let your friends guide you. Clearly we cannot make you do anything, at least not unless nagging works. Truly you sound so sad and confused and we want to help you get back on your feet. You know we have all been where you are now and we understand what a dreadful place it is. Trust us to show you the way back.

ADs, as you have discovered, are a mixed blessing. I stopped taking mine yesterday, after a gradual withdrawal. I have not been prescribed an AD that did not have horrid side effects. Or if there were no side effects the AD did not work. I am unsure whether this is useful to tell you because I don't want you to refuse ADs because of potential side effects. The difficulty with my latest trial is that it resulted in serotonin syndrome and also interacted with a completely different drug, making me incredibly unwell.

That's my bad luck. Other find ADs amazingly helpful. So have an open talk with your GP ASAP about how the AD makes you feel. And I really urge you to find another psychologist or a psychiatrist. And stay with that person for at least six months. In fact you could have a contract with the psych to review your progress in six months.

The psych can point out where you have changed and the effect this has had on you. He/she can discuss your observations on your progress. It really is good to get some assessment of where you have got to and you can also tell your psych how helpful he/she has been. He/she is not going to jump down your throat whatever you say.

So long as you try your hardest to get well you will succeed. Yes they will only be small steps to start with and sometimes you cannot see any progress because the steps are so small. The point is that you are laying down a foundation for good mental health and it takes time. You will no doubt have seen houses built and how nothing appears to be happening for a while. The foundations take time but once completed the house rises out of the ground in what appears to be minutes. It's the same with you. Yes you will need maintenance at times, just like a house, but the structure will always be there.

You are getting closer.

Mary

[Ladyhawke]

Hi again Riaido,

​I'm glad you got back to us.  I agree with everything Mary has written.

With regard to antidepressant medication, I realise many people have problems with them. In the early days of my therapy I trialled every class of antidepressant: tricyclics, MAOIs, SSRIs, SNRIs and some drugs which were not classed as antidepressants but caused chemical reactions in the brain similar to antidepressants. In all, I trialled around 20 different drugs. Some had awful side effects that persisted, some had unpleasant side effects that gradually subsided and some had no side effects. Some worked and some didn't. I eventually tried an SSRI 4 years ago which had a few initial side effects and it worked very well for me - I've been taking it now for 4 years and while my doctor sometimes changes the dosage, I realize I feel so much better when I'm taking it. So, while many people can manage their depression without ADs, some of us do need that extra help. If you do require medication and the particular drug doesn't work or makes you feel unwell, remember there are many alternative antidepressants.

Regards

LH