Do you feel valued? Roll your snowball

[white knight]

Ever been in awe of some people as they display ultimate confidence? I do, especially those that can stand on a stage and give a speech about their experiences. Jordan Peterson a professor and Maharaji Prem Rawat are two that come to mind. I've often wondered what the secret is and how someone on the other end of the scale cant reach those heights. What is that secret? because it certainly isnt advertised, it's like one either has it or doesnt have it.. Well I think I now know why.

To achieve that confidence isnt usually a development in the womb, no, its more likely three things- being raised in a manner that allows them to be confident, IQ level that allows them the capacity to think efficiently (genetics) and expertise in field/s. Their development becomes a snowball as they begin to receive praise from their friends, peers and teachers resulting in excellent marks in school

But there is one thing left they have, all of these people have self value. All of the above areas of assistance has, during that snowballing development made it easier for them to value their abilities. Constant taps on the back "you did well" and "the sky is the limit" is not given to a child with low grades or if given is hasnt been given often enough. Imagine a 10yo child getting low grades all the time, it would be unusual for a parent to praise them for basically failing a grade. "You did well Johnny even though you failed and have to do year 5 again"... just doesnt happen. So that "snowball" stops. I'm not blaming parents or teachers, I'm seeking the remedy as an adult that hasnt developed  confidence for what ever reason and the best avenue of self treatment to get it.

So, confidence imo can best be achieved with self praise. Yes, it would be ideal to ask for others to give you praise, compliments but then you are reliant for them to supply that and that is not dependable. When you finish any task mumble to yourself any positive comment. "you did ok today by servicing the car" but adding to that avoid saying "you didnt rotate the tyres, idiot". Instead "I'll rotate the tyres when I get an opportunity". When done often enough it can transform your self esteem

The final method of raising confidence is actually your defence mechanism. Our loved ones and friends can be the big tree that stops the snowball from gathering speed. Take action if you have a tree in your path. Distance/avoidance could be the answer or warnings. You are entitled to be the biggest snowball you can be.

TonyWK

[David35]

The same thing occurs with someone with depression or cancer. How often do you see someone ask how you are when you're in either of those situations. Rarely. People usually ask only when they can predict the answer. Good thanks. The very thing you need to get better, a healthy minded person pulling yourself out of your own thoughts, is denied to you because they don't want to catch what you've got. It's a positive feedback system, only reinforcing the stigma associated with mental illness. The same goes for addiction.

It's sad, but healthy minded people don't want to associate with unhealthy minded people. I had a neighbour walk past the other day and say hello. She's known for at least a few years mum has had cancer, albeit recovered. Nevertheless,  no How's mum doing? How are you doing? We live in a very self absorbed society and it gets harder and harder for those less fortunate to get better as those who have the emotional well-being never want to share it.

[white knight]

Hi David

You've raised an interesting associated fact. That this modern world has either far less empaths or their empathy is now generally,  only for their own. This, like your neighbour, means so absorbed with their own lives they can't even ask "how's mum"?. It paints a sad world. It never was like that. In the early 1960's as a minor living in Newcastle, everyone in the street was aunty or uncle, yes a mining town but people were kind, more trustworthy and honest. The chat over the fence was more common.

Strange however if we use this forum as a prime example- people with issues of the modern world like rental stress, unemployment etc need empathetic ears and come here to get it. Maybe they have difficulty finding kind ears?

In conclusion developing self esteem by ourselves is even more important.

TonyWK 

[David35]

Years the same lady said to mum "I haven't seen you in ages". I felt like saying "There's the door bell". It's not hard. Yet we've got a guy across the road who is as rough as guts, had run-ins with the law, yet takes more interest in us than people with all the airs and graces. Another instance was my sister-in-law who never contacted mum once she got cancer. One day up there she said "What can we do for you?" I felt like saying "Pick up the bloody phone". The more connected we are, the less we want to know each other. It seems technology is just a convenient way of filtering out who we want to talk to and who we don't.

[white knight]

I hear you. Perhaps David sometimes we should say "she's a phone call away" or "she's in there she'd love to see you". Such prompting shouldnt be necessary but some families just dont think the same. My ex wife's family are so introverted that they never organise anything. Weddings, parties etc if they want a party for their father and all 5 agree they will just sit there and look at the in-laws waiting for them to say "I'll organise it" and that went on for years until some in-laws were criticised by the clan as to the organisation of an event. My last effort was for them when their mother passed away so I organised the funeral. None would help even picking out the coffin. The last straw was when they criticised me for my choices. 

So all these quirks some families have or individuals can have a negative - withdrawal effect on us in particularly those with sensitivities. Up to 20% of all humans have HSP- Highly Sensitive Persons. It is a natural thing for some to have, yet many others will say "dont be so sensitive"... I tolerated that for decades until my mentality changed whereby I looked upon those people with distain, I am who I am and am proud of it, it is them that have the problem.

TonyWK

[David35]

Yep. We're expected to change to make others feel comfortable when we're the ones in distress (depression, anxiety, grief, etc.). It's a weird and mixed up world.