Do not feed the monster

[Emotions26]

I am struggling to understand this website and find my way around

I have replied to some people

I think that two champions replied to my first two posts

I do not know where they are now

I have supported several posts of others

I have replied to one person I think today

I am resonating with several posts in different areas but cannot remember where they are

I am literally lost within this website as well as within myself

I am working very hard at keeping the dreaded "D" at bay which I have battled with too many times.

I have had this since young apparently

I have had large gaps of time where I am mostly symptom free I think

The monster is the dreaded "d"

It is also a relative whom I have had to relinquish her hold over me.

I have only learnt about this stuff recently so struggle talking about it.

So I think of do not feed the monster as in do not think of her. Or do not feel guilty or upset or worry or a thousand other things

Also do not feed the dreaded "d" as it lurks waiting

I will not find this piece again

[mmMekitty]

Hi Em26

My PDr is good & will listen to anything I have to say. There's a part of me that still fears being judged negatively to things I say as if waht I'm saying is not good enough or I haven't justified what I think or feel. It's not so difficult talking to him as it is when I talk to anyone else.

I'm enjoying reading about the pest, James & Em26. 

My Mekitty had a most wonderful purr, which I could listen to while petting her when she came to sleept next to me. I'd reach & pet her, she'd purr loudly, then more & more quietly until, after several minutes, she'd stop, because she was asleep. 

Sometimes she would sleep between my feet. I couldn't move them or she would grab them & dig her claws in.

I was sorry to read that your rabbit was taken like that. It never easy to lose a pet, but it seems to me, to have one taken in the night like that would have been very painful.

Sometimes Mekitty was upset with me, I'm sure, especially wen she would go under my bed where I could not easily reach her. She either say there until she needed to use her tray, or had 'forgiven' me, or had fallen asleep after a while & then, 'forgetting' come out from under my bed.

Things she didn't like were, having to be in her crate to go see the vet, or my attempts to put the drop of smelly worm preventive stuff on her neck, or even when I tried to cool her off by wetting a cloth & wiping that over her fur, on very hot days.

Or during big loud thunderstorms, like me, she didn't like them. I tried to not show my nervousness, but I guess I didn't hide it very well.

Hugzies for everyone, pets included,

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

Hello mmmmmmmmmmmm here kitty kitty

Your opening sentence in your last response makes sense to me. Probably applies to most patients.

We are delving into depths where hurt and pain has dwelt for a long time for some of us a lifetime the deeper we dig.

I don't really talk to anyone else about my health symptoms especially my mind. Growing up it was brushed under the carpet not to be mentioned again once the diagnosis was revealed. They would talk of others with conditions and I would hear their words of sympathy and how awful it must be feeling ??????????

So I literally brought myself up my whole life in relation to my mind.

I am far too deep for most people in my life and have finally come to terms with that. I am no longer concerned about my depth. I actually embrace what I have now. I am still my harshest critic though. I am not sure if that will ever change.

As for judgement we will never stop that in others. Avoid them that is my strategy.

Lovely to read of your warm memories of Mekitty. Can you still hear and feel her purr within you?

I have had many cats over the years some rescue; some give aways needing a home; a couple bought.

The latest on was purchased as I love his breed. He has papers with many champions in his bloodlines. I was told that I could show him. Good grief no was my response he is family. He is an embarrassment now to the breeder as he is overweight. He purrs very loudly when patted and cuddled when I am allowed to do so.

He snores so very loudly and has woken himself up falling off of the top of his cat tower as his extra weight leant over each side.

He is very naughty as he steals food from my kitchen island bench. This is not left out. Left there whilst preparing and needing to leave the room. He literally spies on me.

Quite a character.

Oh  I remember the worm and flea treatment on the neck. I had three cats together at one time. What a fiasco. They would know as they would see the others. When it was vet time and the carrier came out I had to go looking for two of them as they would hide.

One of them hid and I spent 4 hours searching the whole house and neighbouring streets. I was working from home at the time and had to stop as I thought he had ventured too far and could not find his way home. You wont believe it. He was actually buried under shoes in my wardrobe which I had searched!

Thunderstorms most animals are frightened of as their hearing is highly sensitised to different tone levels to humans.

They really  are a joy and a pain at times.

Enjoy those memories.

Emotions26

[Emotions26]

Hello anyone

I am beginning to despair.

I do try hard to help others.

I know that I need to apply the same principle to myself.

I am who I am.

I am trying.

When I receive an email from a moderator it sends me into a tailspin.

I feel as though I have to justify my words a thousand times as I have for the majority of my life.

I know that the moderators are keeping the forums safe making sure that posts follow guidelines.

I know the logic. I know the reality.

I cannot stop the reaction from within at the moment.

Am I just too deep for these forums?

[mmMekitty]

Hello Em26

I've had similar experiences here, thinking 'I've said too much".

When I've been confused about why there was a problem with a post, I have emailed modsupport & asked them to explain. & let them know how it feels to have my words edited.

It' hurts, doesn't it?

It brings up old feelings I had when I was criticised & judged, when I was a child, & also denied any way to talk about what I was feeling. Indeed I was ordered to lie about my attempt to end my life. As before, so it was after - I had no-one I could talk to, denied my voice completely.

I tried to push everything into the back of my mind, to close it up tight, & (hopefully) forget.

But eventually, that failed.

It has taken me many years to accept my thoughts & feelings, to put them into words, to try to share them in the hope that my experiences can help someone else, only to once again be told I can't say what I feel I need to say.

But this isn't like a private conversation like I can have with my PDr, so I can't let fly with anything which I may feel in an emotional moment. Things I say here may have effect on others which are unintended, such as being too upsetting or re-traumatising to some readers.

I try to remember how my words might be heard by someone who is not prepared, not yet able to deal with very difficult topics, people who are vulnerable, maybe still floundering in the ocean with their own experiences. I don't want to read something which may be 'too much' & overwhelming for them.

I have struggled with some of what I've read on BB forums, mostly because I don't know what to say - the problems are beyond my experience, & I feel unable to help in any way useful. It gets distressing.

So, I've had to be mindful of that, too.

It can sure be difficult balancing the needs you have & the needs of other people here, many of whom you won't even be aware are reading.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

Hello memekitten

Sometimes I think of meerkat when I read your username.

I hope that you still do not mind my playing with your name. Almost like a cat pushing a ball of wool around and leaving something looking completely different.

I love playing with words.

I very much appreciate your response yesterday. I really needed someone to hear me and your response tells me that you did.

I too have a lifetime of not being listened to and heard.

That hurt from a very young age and to this day the hurt is triggered as you mentioned. The hurt will probably never leave me even though I have a better understanding of the possibilities of why I felt not listened to.

We also live in a world that is moving faster and faster. Those of us who are listeners know that leaves even less time for one to really listen to another.

This is sad. This is an outcome of progress that is fixated on a certain direction.

I now know that I brought myself up emotionally. I challenged. I questioned and still do even though most do not welcome. Another subject.

I am so very  sorry that you reached the point of giving up completely. Devastating to reach those depths of despair. To be ordered to lie about such a state of mind is a travesty of injustice.

I listen to you when I read your words and I thank you for taking the time to speak to me here and elsewhere on the forums occasionally.

I went through something similar dismissal; denial or dare I say any referral to my state of mind. My feelings.This has continued throughout my life.

I have worked very hard in therapy and self searching and now believe that the seed was planted when I was so very young.

This was not helped by having a soft tone voice (I wonder why)  uninviting for most.

I think about what I say; therefore take longer to speak. (I wonder why)

Most do not have the time or lose interest.

I pause also. (I wonder why)

My audience is reduced even further. My depth of thought and expression deters the majority of the few remaining.

I also from an early age developed the style of asking others about themselves out of curiosity but a hunger for conversation. This led to listening and enduring many boring sessions of hearing from totally self absorbed people.

I did however meet less than a handful of people with fascinating minds that allowed me momentarily to travel into discussions of varying, stimulating subjects where both could hold an opinion. On some occasions my opinion changed.

I treasure those moments.

The moderated post which led to me receiving an email was to help another and yes I understand your point about others reading and a fine line.

I do recognise that there is a blanket rule of always check and understand the need for that.

Yes mmeme we cannot prevent triggers. Receiving kind support helps us to find answers ourselves and understanding.

Promoting further growth. Hopefully reducing the triggering reactions over time. A gradual process that takes time in particular when changing reactions from a very young age.

Hopefully this might help others even if only one person.

I am glad that you responded to my first time here when I was in absolute chaos.

You are appreciated.

Em26

[Emotions26]

Hello fellow dreaded "d" dwellers

At this very moment there has been a shift in the nothing to open up the awareness that yes agitating anxiety has seized the moment and moved in.

As anxiety usually precedes the dreaded "d" I am looking at this as an improvement.

I am not telling myself that anxiety is first. Of course it was at some stage.

For this moment I reminding myself that D was definitely the overpowering phenomena and was therefore first.

Anxiety is coming up behind in second place.

This is not a race that indicates that I am losing.

Quite the opposite. I am ahead at this moment.

Confusing.

So is the mind dealing with D and A.

Feel free to play on this if you can understand any of it or be bothered.

I do find it helpful playing around with D and A when my mind is in the mindset.

Emotions26

I can probably list 26 emotions

PS Boredom is a component of D and A

[mmMekitty]

Hi Em26 - Have you assigned each emotion a letter of the alphabet?

I don't mind you playing around with my name at all. I smile or even laugh, pleased with how you refer to me.

I had nicknames for Mekitty. From 'Pumpkin Head' to 'Fluffy Bum' & 'Purrful' in between.

I've had a bit too much to deal with the last couple days.

Some things about my past seem to have left permanent areas of pain in my mind. Since realising I no longer could keep my emotions hidden even to myself, & that, since then, I've had to face them, & learn to live with them.

Not recognising & allowing myself to feel & to think about how I felt led me into very problematic relationships. As things were when I was a child, so things were when I was out of home & on my own, but I can't say I was an adult, not psychologically at least. People could do whatever they wanted with me. It would take me at least six months to acknowledge that I didn't want to be treated so badly & that I had to get myself away from these people. Occasionally it took years for my anger to rise & get my attention strongly enough for me to say 'enough', when I ought to have been saying, 'too much' long before.

I have been told I have a quiet voice, to 'stop mumbling' & to 'speak up' many, many times. It takes quite a lot of other people creating noise & disturbance around me to get me irritated enough to raise my own voice, but very rarely to yeall out or shout at them.

I've never been able to scream, even when screaming might have done some good.

Myself making noise can startle & even feel a fearful thing to do - except when I could sing better, which was many years ago. My voice isn't so good anymore; I don't have the range I'd like. When I did, though, I could sing loudly enlugh to annoy people,& not even care.

I was feeling some of the old D myself yesterday. I had to push on, make phone calls, emails, talk to my PDR as well, trying to maintain my composure all the day, to get through it. to try to figure out a problem with my NDIS funding. All I wanted to do was to curl up in bed & escape into sleep. 

It's okay, now. My services will continue, people will get paid.

I hate relying on people & the NDIS for the money to pay them.

Hugzies Em26, & your cat too.

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

hello kitty mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Interesting array of nicknames you acquired. Not keen on the fluffy b one though. No matter it is yours to decide not others  I do like Purrful That even sounds lovely to read if that makes sense.

Oh yes I have played with words and often pick letters from the alphabet that are relevant in the moment as come up with as many adjectives verbs and adverbs that I can The subject at the time determines the friendliness of the words that I explore if you get my drift. If it is an exercise to help desensitise the intensity of emotions I am sadly plagued by in relation to someone from my past who has hurt me dreadfully the tone is an exercise in venting how I feel   There are some people I who have hurt me who I leave alone and do not even mention their name  This all takes time and is not easy.

I can understand what you mean when you say a quiet voice I used to be told that then someone a psychologist clarified it is a soft tone not quiet which magically allowed me to become momentarily 10 feet tall with a beaming smile within.  It is incredible the power of words and the effect that they have on people.   Verbal abuse has been dismissed and underrated for far too long This is addressed and taken more seriously now Sadly many who have been victims become perpretrators. Some learn and stop the cycle thankfully  I will stand up for people politely but firmly if I hear them being belittled as I too have experienced this from more than one person in my lifetime.  It has been explained to me that people who care deeply for human beings; show compassion and all the rest in my case feel their pain emanate this is some form to others. Some pick up on auras vibes energy whatever.  Those with narcissistic traits or no compassion want ours and are drawn to us. This does not mean that we are not intelligent in fact it has been researched quite the opposite we are. We just have this innate compassion that we want to give.  It has taken me until last year after literally  falling into a hole to be advised about these people  I was very embarrassed and many discussions later with a professional has helped me to see that I have nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of  I have not failed. I am no less than I am I am more than the perpetrators. I have been told to set boundaries from these people This is hard as one is a close relative who just does not recognise or believe in any such concept for others. She bombards and crashes through them. So the boundaries of late have become ambulant. She will not beat me. In fact I have introduced humour and constantly change the words.  I am wondering if some of this might be similar for you   More to come

Em26

[Emotions26]

More to come below

Screaming I have tried. Is laughable really. More like a weird screech that frightens my cat. I try shouting and am told when practising with a family member  No you are speaking at a level where I can actually hear you So much for that.  I would say practise your singing. It really does not matter whether or not you are singing the same as before You are not competing You are not having a sell out audience You are using the gift that you have been given Sing away every day within reason so as not to overstretch your vocal chords You would know your limitations.  Sing to the birds they will love it  Remember that you have that quiet more likely soft tone voice so who is going to hear  Does it matter

So sorry to hear about the dreaded D landing yesterday The fact that you were able to push on and achieve much tells me that you actually prevented it from devouring you   Well done that is not easy Timing is so important Noticing changes in our moods if we are prone to this insidious monster is paramount You helped yourself   I am the same about relying on people  I hate asking for help I am very independent and yes stubborn Hence the number of people within my life is now minimal  When I am feeling better than I am now and a few external situations shift which will make it difficult for a while  I will look at getting out more again NDIS are there to help The fact that you have been accepted indicates that you genuinely qualify for the funding They do not give away those packages lightly  Easy for me to say Try to think of it as a pension of sorts Not sure of your age You have paid for this with your taxes at some stage in your life  Hugs straight back  My cat has allowed you to just pat him because I told him that you needed a cuddle  He does not give them away easily either  Do take care    Please do not feel that you need to write to me  I know that you have others whom you have known for so much longer as well as your capacity and timeframes to work with  Lovely to find a reply here though I have been thinking lately that I have replied to  too many people and am perhaps putting others off from replying to other posts    Em26

[Emotions26]

Postscript

I have worked out that I cannot use punctuation as I have too much to say laugh

My father if he was here to read this  Not that he would as is not scientific or historic enough  He would be horrified at no punctuation!  There slipped one in for you Dad. Bless you.

Write when and if you can  purrful  mekittyme

Em or mE 26