Desperate to Connect

[Claroque]

Hey everyone. This is strange, and I'm sure this is the third time in my life I have attempted to post something on here. Don't get me wrong, it's not deleted by the monitoring staff - rather it is deleted my myself as I usually come to the conclusion that my problems are insignificant and no one wants to hear about it.. so I end up deleting what my heart just poured out. 

I have been sitting here, starting out the window for the past hour. Just in silence, watching the world go by without me. I need help. 

I am 26 years old and from Sydney. I am living in a tiny apartment with my partner of four years. I have suffered with depression since high school. I became heavily into drugs shortly after leaving as I felt for the first time I felt happy on them - but the come down made me suicidal. I was able to quit after purging my life of my friends who were also heavily in this scene, but since then though I have also been lonely. I went to university and developed severe anxiety - I dropped 10kg in 3 months and had a BMI if 16. This continued over the next 5 years and I sacrificed everything because the fear of getting below my expectations of 'HD' was debilitating. My depression continued underneath this, although I felt I didn't have time to have these feelings.. than I needed to push on and focus. Many anxiety attacks followed. 

 Now, I'm working in an unstable profession (not much I can do about this), in a horrible workplace (no much I can do about this) and have limited friends (I pushed them all away over the past 5 years). I saw a therapist who was helpful, although I am unable to see her within my working hours. 

I feel as though I am wasting away. I have no purpose, I have no desire, I have no passion. I feel as though there is nothing for me to do or live for except the happiness of others. Things that used to make me happy seem just to skim across my face in a smile but don't touch my heart. I have tried so many times to reach out to people - I get responses such as  'oh.. that sucks.. anyway how's work?' or 'there's a lot of people in the world that are worse off than you. Be grateful.' My partner listens, but doesn't really know what to say or what to do.

I'm just desperate in my moment of clarity for someone to understand, to connect to someone. I want help, and I don't know what to do. I'm tried of being this way. I'm tired of being alone all the time (mentally and physically). I hope this place will help. Ideas?

Thanks for reading. 

[Florrie_Jo]

Please know you are not alone in feeling this way. It sucks!  Im at a low at the moment but have put my plan into motion. Beyond Blue,is my newest scaffold. I saw a pychologist many years ago and still am able to recall the cognitive tips from my foggy brain to try and clear the sucky thoughts. 

What i find is that when i start to go low i have a standard negative conversation in my head. Its very clear and i can recall at a moments notice...after all, its the same head talk ive been using for years. My trick is to acknowledge those well used sentences "oh, here you are again. Thank you or coming, now be off". I do try to use humour- when i can and meditation.

Perhaps source a counsellor that sees clients after hours. Your gp can give you a mental health plan where you get 4-8 visits free. Look for a counsellor that has flexibe appointments. Beyond Blue may be able to help with sourcing counsellors?? You deserve to feel well-dont be scared to say that aloud😀

 one more tip..sounds crazy...try to yodel. Its hilarious, especially when youre on your own. You will feel like an idiot but itll make you laugh.

 take care little one...you are not alone.

😇😀

Im pretty sure you'll find this forum an easy way to express without fear and judgment.