Depression - The new "normal"

[Sasquatchion]

G'day all, 

I have posted to these forums a few times back in 2021, but things started to get better for me and I learnt all sorts of different strategies so my lurking on the forums gradually waned away. However, recently, I have been struggling with the weight of my gradual recovery from depression and suicidal thoughts. My family, friends and partner have all noticed changes in my demeanor but they are just a façade. I struggle with suicidal thoughts on a nearly weekly basis and while sometimes my management strategies work, sometimes they do not and I begin to spiral. I want to be better. To be "normal" or how I was before my mental health struggles began three years ago, I want to stop my family and partner from worrying. I want a brain that doesn't house a demon inside of it that is constantly battering at the cage I am desperately trying to keep it sealed inside.

What I am trying to say is; I do not know how to come to terms with my new version of "normal". Is this really how I am going to have to live the rest of my life? A struggle of continual ups and downs, battling against my own mind? I want to be free. No reliance on medicine or the need to adhere to a rigorous schedule to keep my mind so busy that it does not have the energy to fight back against me. I want to be carefree and relaxed. 

Has anyone else experienced thoughts like these? How did you accept your new version of normal? I do not think I am ready to say goodbye to the person I was before. I want him back. I want to be me again and I can't deal with the thought that I never will be again. 

Cheers,

Sasquatchion

[Petal22]

Hi Sasquatchion,

Wellcome back.

Im sorry that your are experiencing these types of intrusive thoughts I understand how difficult they are to endure.

I went through something similar ……. My intrusive thoughts were unrelenting at times and they scared me.

When I was experiencing severe anxiety OCD these thoughts where on repeat and I just couldn’t get them to stop.

But through therapy I learned that the more attention I gave to them the stronger they became so I had to learn how to take away their only power “ my attention “..

My journey was a marathon but I’ve now recovered.

I never wanted to act on my thoughts but they made me feel horrible…. How could I be having such thoughts ( so I thought)… they went against everything I stood for as a person.

I was also stuck in a spiral….. it was a vicious OCD cycle…. With therapy I learned what this was and then how to disengage from it.

I understand when you say that you want the old you back the one before mental illness. I also wanted this when I was in the depths of despair but do you know what?

I grew so much that I out grew the person I once was….. the person I once was wouldn’t have coped with everything the new version of me went through.

In the end I got someone better…….. the newer, stronger, wiser, empathetic and compassionate ME….

I firmly believe we go through our struggles for a reason and at the end of it all it can be a blessing.

A stronger YOU will grow through all that you are going through and you will get through this.

I was also prescribed an antidepressant I believe that with time this also helped me.

I believe medication and therapy go hand in hand.

Have you ever tried meditation?

Are you currently doing any type of therapy?

Please ask me any questions 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Sasquatchion

Thank you for posting this evening and sharing your thoughts and feeling around adjusting to your new normal.  

As you can see and so kindly shared by Petal22, you are not alone in how you are feeling, it's always so helpful to know that others have gone through what you are going through right now.   Petal22 suggests some really helpful strategies that you might like try, so thank you Petal22!

In addition Sasquatchion, if you ever want to pick up the phone or chat to one of our counsellors here at Beyond Blue, you can do so by calling 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat  where you can explore this further.

Thanks again for posting this evening Sasquatchion, it's such a positive move forward to better mental health. 

Regards

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Sasquatchion

Never accept 'normal' when you are exceptional. I do believe you are exceptional.

I think being exceptional can help explain the level of sufferance a person can be facing. When you can sense the nature of a challenge, the nature of a person, the nature of a stressful or potentially depressing situation, this defines you as being sensitive. When you can feel your own internal conflict, your own thoughts, your own imagination (the imagery you see in your mind), this defines you as deeply feeling. When you are able to not just feel for the nature of things or for what is going on in your head but you can also feel so deeply how others are feeling, this defines you as deeply compassionate and connected. And when you are able to rise through every skill developed in the way of self mastery, this defines you as being someone who is on the path of self mastery. So, in summary, it is an exceptional person who is able to sense so intensely, feel so deeply and care so greatly while raising themself in the process of graduating through life, to higher levels of awareness/consciousness. How many people do you know like this?

While it's said that ignorance is bliss, I do believe that greater consciousness can be a form of torture or so it appears at times. While most have their inner demon or demons, how many are conscious of them? For example, while many of us are conditioned to be people pleasers, without question while on auto pilot, in a more conscious person the questioning begins. Could sound a little like 'Why should I please this person who is always degrading me?'. In comes that dark dialogue ready for battle, 'You have to please them, otherwise they won't like you. You don't want people to hate you'. While people may speak of their 'inner demon', few recognise or can hear their 'inner angel' which may sound a little like 'You will love and serve yourself in this moment instead of serving another who treats you so poorly'.

Again, you are exceptional. I believe the problem may come down to...no one has shown you how to do it easily.