Depression is so Exhausting

[ro63]

Hi All, Have had depression for around ten years,It is envioromental depression if there is such a thing I don't think it is a chemical imbalance as there is no depression in the family that I know of altough my mother has high Anxiety and will never admit it ,she isn't good at admitting things I have to say, particularly the mental abuse we suffered and even at 53 still getting it today altough my sisters get far more now than I do as I don't see her much now, and avoid her like the plague but still get panic attack when I see it's her on the phone ,so damage done too deep to just forget.Married a woman who is pretty much the same only with far more venom and we barely speak and I have to end this marriage and soon or it will take me this time. I just have'nt the strength for the torrid battle it will be and she will use our son as a weapon against me that I can't avoid.It kills me he is 17 and is autisic and has the worst OCD that 3 doctors and 5 psycologists have ever seen (their words). he washes his hands 50 times a day is paranoid about germs and fumes so will not go out of the house without a major battle ,and has also a phobia about flies ,and we live in sydney so summer is an absolute joy as you can imagine.I am not on any meds as I was for 7 years and will not go down that road again ,have seen many psycologists with varying degree's of assistance ranging from little to none.One has been very helpful and very well known so when I watch tv I see her often I aso do her work I am a tradie so it is a little familiar and Fills me with shame when I think about how she must feel about me ,even thogh I know it isn't the case and I know it's just the ruminating thought patterns creating a false reality it still hurts me.I have hit a place where I haven't been before in as much as I don't want to go out and I don't want to exersize which I normally do crossfit 4 times a week and yoga twice a week I have just hit a wall and feel paralized ,

[ro63]

Hit the wrong key, I also work by myself which is not a good thing being alone with your thoughts all day then coming home to a sometimes hostile and stressful envioroment I have been doing the same work for over 30 years and hate it so much, trade work is not fun its hard and you always seem to be paid late or have to ask for it and is very demeaning and causes money trouble at home ,I am at the crossroads of not wanting to get up and go to work and not wanting to go to sleep to be with my thoughts again ,where do you run to when there is nowhere to run to.sorry ,just needed a vent I can handle things one at aa time but as we all know the worries come all at once and hit hard and fast and you don't see them all coming until you are neck deep.Bye for now Ross.

[JessF]

Hello ro63, you sound trapped by your life at the moment and unsure what you might do to make things better. Your marriage sounds unhappy, the relationship potentially volatile, and you're worried your son may become a pawn in all this if you were to separate. On top of all this, it sounds like the mental abuse from your mother has cast a very long shadow and is still very much lingering in your thoughts.

I believe environmental depression is very much a thing. Life sounds hard for you, and the weight of it every day, of course you will begin to tire.

Despite this, I see so much strength in your post. Your son is very high needs, but you are working very hard as a parent to give him the best life possible, and the best care possible, both from you and from professionals. You know your own mind, and understand when negative thought patterns might be tricking you into thinking you're not a good person. You look after yourself with a solid fitness regime, even though you've struggled to keep up with it recently.

The hardest thing to do when depressed (as you say, it is so exhausting), is to keep up the routines. I've found that at the very times my mind has been screaming at me not to do things, is the very time I should be doing those things. If you can't get out to crossfit 4 times a week, maybe lower your expectations and just get to one. As soon as you are out the door and there, your normal motivation will most likely kick in and you will feel a lot better afterwards.

As for your family situation, there are no easy answers of course. From what you describe, neither of you are happy in this marriage and I wonder if there is any value in discussing that, and what you might both do about making life a bit more tolerable. What do you think?

[ro63]

Hi Jess, Thank you for your kind words I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel ,it's just hard to see it at the moment ,I will hit the gym tomorrow and get out for a walk ,as for the marriage that is unfortunately very much over and we can not talk ,my wife has some abandonment issues and just denies and attacks when ever we try and talk so that will have to run it's course and I will have to make a plan that minimises pain for my son which I don;t have the strength for right now, so little steps thanks again Regards Ross.

[JessF]

Hello Ross, sorry I didnt see your second post when I did my one so I didnt know you were just wanting to talk. I just wanted to say again that even though it doesn't feel like you're on top of things, you know your own self and just what you're able to handle, and also what you need to do over the longer term. The little steps are so important, aren't they, just one foot in front of the other on the hard days.

[Quercus]

Hi Ross,

Not sure of this is the thread you mentioned but it's your thread so I'll pop in here and say thank you.

I've appreciated your posts and support. Just wanted to see how you were holding up?

I keep wondering is there no hope for your marriage? Have you tried couples therapy? Or would your wife just get defensive and attack if you asked her to go with you to that? I just wondered maybe she might listen to a third party. My friend asked her husband to come to her psychologist with her and the two men ended up talking while she went for a coffee. He needed to hear from another man that the way he was acting wasn't reasonable or helping her at all.

I suppose I wonder if she might be willing to talk to another party if it's to work on rebuilding your marriage? Is that an option at all?

Anyway I just wanted to say hi and thanks. Hope your day is going ok.

[ro63]

Hi Quercus, apreciate you stopping in . No is over unfortunatley and will be leaving with shirt on my back but with sanity which is what wil keep me going ,like you said defensive and attack, so it is what it is .

As I have been told before ,I cant help my son if I am in bit's, so I need to get myself right and strong first ,otherwise I am no good to anyone,you can't pour from an empty cup ,so I need to keep as positive as I can and this forum is keeping me distracted and positive at the moment so I am so thankfull to you and everyone on this forum for that ,I hope all is good for eveyone else at the moment I know it feels like we have turns about at the moment but I do feel it will improve ,for all it just seems hard at present so chins up we have been here before and will no doubt be here again, but for now let's keep the brave face and take a leaf from your book and stand up to it .have a great night all ,Ross.

[whitepointer]

Sorry to hear this. It is exhausting being depressed which dosnt make sence because all you can do is lie on the bed. The other issue you mentioned was lack of energy to do stuff particually if its something that had to be done. Like my poor dog needing his yearly vax. I get your anguish about having an autistic child and everything that it entails. That alone would add to the depression you get. My grand daughter has autism and it has been hard to accept and does affect the family dynamic. We help our daughter a lot with her other child who is nuerotypical to give him some respite. Thankfully my grand daughter dosnt have OCD and is verbal to a certain degree and is only 6 at the moment. I take AD but had to get a different script as the ones I was taking stopped working and I slid into depression. I would like to not take them but I want to be well. I want to do more than the bare minimum. The Dr said it was a chemical imbalance although there have been a lot of stress in the last three years. If uou can manage with resorting to meds it is to be applauded.

[ro63]

Hi Whitepointer, Thank you for your kind words ,yes it is exhausting it's a tiredness that people without deppression don't understand I have been off Ad's for about 8 years or so and yes i also felt they were;nt doing much towards the end maybe our tolerence goes up and I didn't like thr idea of just continually uping doses so I tapered off quite slowly and did't get too many side effects luckily,yes Autism certainly changes your life that's for sure he was pretty good today but shocking yesterday it's a bit of a box of chocolate's isn't it you never know what you will get .Regards Ross.

[Quercus]

Hi Ross,

I'm sorry I read your post and thought I had responded. Arrgh. Sorry.

That's a shame about your marriage. It does leave you in limbo now though feeling depressed and waiting for your wife to accept it. I do understand your worry about your son but you are important too and the situation you're in sounds pretty upsetting actually.

Is she completely closed off from having a discussion about this with you? How are you meant to move on and start rebuilding your life and improving your mental health while in a toxic relationship you know has ended?

Are you concerned she will use your son against you? If so it might be time to have a talk with your lawyer just to be aware of your rights. And ask her to attend therapy with you to talk specifically about the needs of your son and putting him first above fighting.

What do you think? Hope you're feeling ok and I am sorry for the slow response.