Depression is madness.

Matthew 2

Depression (to me) is akin to an unwanted guest, one in which wreaks havoc, destroys everything & then leaves as if it were never there.

I’m 27 years old, yet mentally I feel 72. I’ve delt with depression almost my entire life - silently, alone, by myself.. to see me in person one would think I’m the happiest person alive, as I don’t fit that stereotypical (rather demeaning) look & “vibe” of that of whom is majorly depressed. My family, my peers & so on - assume that I’m a happy go lucky, calm, all together there person… rather to the contrary. For the past three or so years, I’ve spiralled so far down into the deepest rut of depression, to the likes I’ve never experienced before. I have no explanation as to why, well there are a few things that contribute to my depression, however not really noteworthy. To be honest, I don’t even know why I’m here (again) writing this paragraph. I suppose.. well, I’ve delt with this depression, this ‘black fog’, all my life, in silence - as I feel if I were to talk to those in my life, I’d just be burdening them with my problems, when they already have problems of their own. So writing this, on here, is a way for me to talk without actually talking, if that makes any sense. I simply don’t know what to do anymore. I sit here, every afternoon, after the day is done, and do as we all do, think.. & for some, contentment comes over them at the end of the day.. I haven’t felt that sense of profound contentment for some time, so long that I’ve forgotten what it feels like. Happiness, contentment, pleasure, profound positivity.. they all elude me as if I’m the black plague. The black plague of the 21st century; Depression.

I’ve forgotten what true happiness feels like, I’ve forgotten my place in life, I’ve lost myself along the way. I’m broken.. and only one person can put me back together; me, myself. But how does one, who is broken, fix themselves, for if I’m broken, I haven’t got the means to fix myself - like a painter without his brush, without his brush, how is he to fill in the gaps - how am I to fill the gaps of my sad-broken self? If I were to try, I’d fail, yet again. These days, trying to fix ones self, has become so tiresome, tedious, exhausting & irritating, that I don’t even bother. Well, I can hear my name being called, so I suppose I should go, go & pretend to be happy. I’ve become so good at pretending to be happy, that I honestly think I deserve an Oscar.

Matthew James.

white knight

Hi, welcome

Highly likely your depression is lifelong, so trying to find a way to "fix" it is wasting your time. But to seek ways to ease it, find its weaknesses and work around it is worth every moment.

Eg while in a depressive cycle you could be wasting any positive thinking/motivational intent at that period, however, when you realise you are leaving that cycle it's the perfect moment to implement your motivation plan.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/m-p/149725

In my experience with depression what appears to be "life's side issues" like finance stress, relationship issues, any sensitivity, lack of hobbies and sports etc all combined become major in terms of adding to those cycles.

Relaxation and good sound sleep are two highly under estimated when it comes to anxiety and depression especially mood. When I relax I listen to one of many youtube videos from this man

https://youtu.be/BhrtbBrMQ1Y?si=K0RUFhE37TIzOjsH

If you dont sleep well-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/a-good-nights-deep-sleep-sleep-apnea-and-cpap/td-p/...

I don't blame you for wearing a mask. 95% of people don't understand and many don't possess basic empathy. We therefore benefit from building an emotional barrier.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival/td-p/216226

All topics you can use the search feature

We are also open 24/7/365. So if you post well reply when we log on.

I'm 68yo, I've spent my life perfecting it, to rid it of those shackles above and removing toxic people with excessive expectations. I'm now much improved.

"We are all snow trekkers... just the one with depression hauls the sled"

I hope that helps.

Reply anytime

TonyWK

therising

Hi Matthew

It can be so hard with depression, when you can feel a variety of things depressing you but you can't quite put your finger on exactly what they are. There can be a general sense but general doesn't quite cut it. General doesn't help us make complete sense of why we can be suffering so much.

While I can find certain experiences, people, thoughts, inner dialogue etc depressing, I can also find a depressing lack of factors to be a problem too. Some triggers that may be relatable, when it comes to a lacking

A lack of genuine inspiration, the kind I can actually feel
A lack of goals that are going to give me a sense of direction and excitement
A serious lack of dopamine is definitely depressing
A lack of good quality sleep (due to sleep apnea) and a serious B12 deficiency can become intensely depressing the worse these conditions become
A lack of brilliant and fulfilling relationships can be another one
A brutal lack of energy can become intensely depressing (whether that be physical/chemical energy, mental energy or a soulful kind of energy or all 3 combined)

I could go on but the list is so incredibly long when it comes to potentially depressing triggers in life.

I'd have to say the biggest revelation I've hit on when it comes to gaining a sense of self understanding over the years is this...I'm a feeler. I can feel what's depressing. While I used to think I was seriously broken, I came to the realisation I have the ability to feel or sense what is depressing. If it's technically an ability you could then say it's not a fault, although it can make life intensely challenging and hellish at times.

I've found one of the keys to unlocking the ability to feel in more strategic ways involves connecting with people who are also good at feeling or sensing. They're the kinds of people who'll be able to help you get a sense of what it really is that's challenging you. Unfeeling people or insensitive people on the other hand will tell you 'You just need to get on with life' or 'You just need to stop being so sensitive'. Hmmm🤔