Depression and anxiety after drinking

[Stilloutthere]

Hello all

 So on the weekend I had a family get together, which I brought my gf to. I love her dearly.

After a couple of glasses of wine with lunch, I secretly went to the garage and skulled two bottles of wine. When my gf asked me what was wrong I lied and said nothing was wrong. I said I hadn't been drinking. I never lie other then when I drink and feel ashamed. 

Ieffectively abandoned her at my family get together, and she had to drive me home. She can no longer trust me when I am drinking, and I feel a have really betrayed her.

I have historically been an alcoholic, and probably a drug addict. Now I hardly drink, but feel like I want to about once a month to check out from the world.

I have changed my life incredibly, I meditate, go to gym, and engage with the world in a much more healthy manner.

This slip up has made me feel very poorly about myself, especially how I lied to my gf and family. I regret my actions, and feel depressed and anxious about life in general. 

[Kazzl]

Hiya Still - ooohhh, I know this one mate. I'm a recovering alcoholic, nearly five years' sober,  and I remember the secret drinking, denial, guilt and self-loathing very well. 

It's great that you don't drink often now, well done. But I guess what you have to be wary of is whether you're starting to binge occasionally. I did that during the times I decided to 'cut down', till the binging became constant.  

And slips are slips and need never stop you getting back on the sober or controlled drinking road. But they can be dangerous if you start to lose control ...

See, I think drinking in and of itself isn't really the issue, so long as we're not causing real damage to our bodies. It's the deception, the hurtfulness and the low opinion we develop of ourselves because of it that feeds depression and anxiety. Then we drink to escape that and the cycle continues ... until it controls us.

You've had it under control before, how about another go. There's a thread under Staying Well called Battling the Booze - have a read, and if you want to join in please do. I hang around there with others who are or have been through similar things. Happy to talk about strategies to help you through.

Kaz

xxx

[Stilloutthere]

Thankyou Kaz

 I have spoken to all I affected on the weekend, and apologized for my actions.  And I think you are right, it is such a destructive habit, and it really affects my life and conciousness negatively.

I have stopped drinking after the weekend, and even though I feel sad, lonely, insecure and very scared I'm not willing to pick up the bottle again. Its just too easy.

I cannot even express how ashamed I feel for lying to my gf and my family.  Its something I do every time I drink, and it's not an acceptable pattern of behaviour.  I have spoken to my gf and she is helping me, as is my family, but I really need to just quit for good I think.  I just dont trust myself to ever be able to stop once I have started, I have tried to think my way through it and I just don't understand why I can't stop.  I let all the normal ways I live my life and treat people go to the gutter after a few drinks.

 Thanks again Kazz

[Bayleaf]

Hi Stillouthere, welcome to the forum.

Like Kazz I have been where you are too and I particularly identify with your current feelings of shame and fear but take heart; it gets better from here. What's past is past and cannot be changed but by doing what you know to be best for you here and now you are building a better future for yourself and those you love. Your feelings of shame will fade and trust, yours in yourself and that of those you love, will return given time so hold onto the good things and love yourself. You are worthy of that love!

[Kazzl]

Hi Still

I'm glad your girlfriend and family are supportive, that's great. And well done for apologising and facing up to it - I know how hard that is. As Bayleaf said, the shame will fade, and you will start to feel good about the 'sober miles' you get behind you again.

I never understood why I couldn't stop once I started either, I just had to eventually accept that I'd somehow broken my 'off switch'.

One thing I can tell you for certain, and I reckon Bayleaf might agree, you don't need booze to have fun or lead a happy social life. The further you get down the sober road the easier it gets. Some people find it hard to accept the idea of never drinking again. I don't see it that way. I see it as never again having a hangover, having to apologise for things I don't remember, passing out in places I shouldn't be, or waking with the guilt and shame you've been feeling today. 

Stick with it mate, and know that we're here if you want to talk or need some support.

Cheers! 😀

Kaz 

[Stilloutthere]

Thankyou both bayleaf and kaz

Coming clean with the family was okay, the gf was a lot harder. I didn't tell her the truth initially about how I drank more when I got home, so messaged her this morning. Wanted to tell her in person but just couldn't live with the dishonesty so now am waiting for her reply. I am so scared I feel like it's hard to breathe. 

I am scared for some reason about admitting I will never be able to drink again. 

If I don't lose my gf at least we will be starting with a clean slate, and if I do well I did it being the honest and caring version of myself I love.

 Thankyou both

[geoff]

hello Still, how familar that sounds when I was drinking like a fish in depression, and people who drink often always hide what they are drinking, how much they consume and when you do it.
I too was called an alcoholic and that label will always stick by me, even though I only drink socially, but this isn't easy if you don't know when to stop, in which case it's best not to drink, easy said than done.
It's an addiction, no different than smoking, and once you start smoking you're hooked, no different than to drink alcohol, one drink leads onto to another and then another and there's no way you can hide it when you're had enough, even though it might have be done in the shed or your garage without anyone seeing you.
Broken trust will happen when you lie to your g/friend or wife, just as it did for me, and it's so hard to get that trust back, because when something questionable happens then the finger is always put on you.
The big downfall is when you are under pressure or when situation after situation seems to go against you, so it's very easier to go back and start drinking again, and that's why we need to have system set up that will help us not to drink.
It's a very difficult road to be able to stop drinking but the benefits far outweigh the dangers of continually drinking, and when you go to an AA meeting people stand up and say that they are an alcoholic even though it could have been 30 years since their last drink, only because the temptations are always there to break down.
The main problem is that you don't turn to something else to replace it, such as taking drugs, because what you are doing is only replacing one addiction with just another addiction and a glass half full is how an alcoholic sees the situation.
I really hope that you can stay with us and let us know how you are going, because I believe that you can do it. Geoff.

[Stilloutthere]

Thanks Geoff for all your words of support.

I honestly want to move forward and just quit completely, and believe it's in my power to do so. Going one, two or even three months without a drink is not difficult, it's just when I say okay and think just one will be okay that everything goes wrong.

I have confessed everything to my gf, told her of my lies and how scared I am. I believe that honesty is always the best starting place, but I know that this has hurt her greatly. I had never lied to her before and this has broken that trust. I have faith that she will let me prove that the drunk and scared me isn't the real me, and given time we can rebuild.

It's been a few days now, my last drink was Monday, and I'm still feeling very alone, anxious and scared. No amount of fun is worth this, and that's what I need to tell myself whenever the urge arises. That and I don't trust myself when drinking to be honest to the people I love around me 😢 And that makes me feel horrible as a person.

Nothing can be done now except to move forward, and use this experience to strengthen my resolve to be the good version of me, the version I love, and the version my gf fell in love with.

I thank everyone for all their kond words and support and I'll keep you informed of my voyage.

I don't know if I should go to AA or not, don't know if it will help. I have been to several addiction psychologists and they have each time said I understand the ramifications of my actions and seem to have everything under control... But then something like this happens.

I still can't believe I lied to my family and gf, I am heartbroken by my own actions, and so deeply ashamed.

[Kazzl]

Hi again Still - I'm so glad you've come back to us. I know those feelings of shame and heartbreak so well. It's been a long time now for me, but sometimes I feel them like it was yesterday. But they ease with time mate, and the best thing you can do is not ignore them, sit with them for a bit, then lest them pass, distract yourself. Then spend some time thinking about how well you are doing, getting these 'sober miles' behind you.

The people who love us are always hurt because of what we've done when drunk, the lies we've told, the secrets we've kept from them. But they love us still, in my experience, and the more they see us working hard to stay sober the more they see their love being respected and honoured. Keep sharing with your girlfriend, talk about the struggle and your feelings of guilt and shame. Let your loved ones share the sober journey with you.

I didn't go to AA but I have enormous respect for them. If you feel a face-to-face support group would help you, there are a number of options. Another I really respect is SMART Recovery - take a look on their website. It's all about strategies for moving forward, not about your past.

And don't think about 'never' think about today. On another forum I belonged to we had a thread called 'I will not drink today because ...' and we posted a reason each day. Often simple things were the best motivators - ' because I want to enjoy my day tomorrow without a hangover ... because it's my child's birthday and I don't want to let them down ... ' One of my favourites was simply 'because I choose not to, for me'.

Oh there is so much I could share with you Still, and I'm here any time you want to talk.

How are you going this weekend? Weekends are hard I know. Hope you're clocking up that sober time my friend.

Kaz

[brian4054]

hi kaz im a first timer here... for the last 12 months I have been suffering strong depression and anxiety everyday and I have been drinking booze every day to combat the feelings... I know it in the long term it is making things worse and I want to stop drinking and fight the depression and anxiety without booze... if I stop cold turkey will it make my situation worse? or should I slowly cut down on drinking then give it up? would like to hear your thoughts....thank you