Depression and alcohol

[Helpadad]

Hi there,

it came to a head the other day, I moved the kids out. I got my wife’s brother and mother involved in an intervention to try and show her that her drinking is destroying our family. It initially backfired, screaming, threats of killing herself etc. it wasn’t safe for the kids so I moved them out. That evening, to cope with the fighting she went out for more drink and crashed our car. Nobody else, which was lucky, but if someone is watching over is, it was the wake up call needed.
she called me the next day, very low and said take me to get help. We went to the hospital which in itself was horrible. But they signed her up to a program for detox. We are just at the end of the detox week and have more on going therapy. I am staying positive because I have my old wife back. The kids have their mum back. I have stopped drinking myself completely and cleared the house of all drink. The doctors told me the odds of it working first time are slim, but I remain hopeful. She had a glimpse of what she would lose and what it would cost.
the doctors have pointed to her loss of identity, caught in a rut, school drop off, kids lunches, supporting me, doing nothing for herself. This is something we will change and something I am more aware of.
I initially thought there was no help, but it took drastic actions to find it. Whilst the help available does need improvement for mental health, it is there.

My other posts explain how bad we were.

ADIS are helping us, and I encourage others in a similar position to call them.

https://adis.health.qld.gov.au/

Early days but things are changing.

thanks

[scat]

My father hid bottles all over the house too. He also watered down spirits so it looked like he hadn't touched them. Mum moved states when we we little to get away from him but foolishly took him back. I wish they had remained apart because my brother and I were very little and would have had no memory of him. Plus it would have saved herself years of abuse. My father-in-law was also an alcoholic so because I knew nothing else I thought all men were drunks. I guess this is something Helpadad should consider by staying with his wife. The children may grow up thinking this behaviour is normal. My brother and I did and both of us ended up in relationships with people who have addictions too, thinking this was just how it is. As children,we never socialised outside of the circle of "drunks". I was in my 40's before I realised not all men wrote themselves off after work every night. On a positive note when my mother-in-law finally divorced my father-in-law he finally got help and now does not drink at all. I feel like by staying with him she was giving him permission to continue with the unacceptable behaviour. I hope Helpadad has a different experience because he must love his wife very much to help her this way. You are a good man Helpadad and I wish you every strength to get through this. Thanks for helping him too Geoff

[geoff]

Hello Scat and Helpadad, I remember mum had a cleaner a long time ago as she had 5 kids to raise, back in the days when mothers stayed home while dad was working, but this person 'helping' mum was an alcoholic and helped herself to the bottles in the bar and filling them up with water, coloured the water with something if needed, so when Mum and Dad had a party, the guests wondered what they were drinking, so the cleaner was no cleaner anymore.

It does take a very patient person to stay with someone addicted to alcohol, it certainly isn't' easy and takes someone who loves this person and understands why 'they've gone off the rails', to know that it maybe not their fault, but circumstantial.

At least what we are doing is providing information to other people who maybe on the brusk of a similar situation.

I hope this thread can remain open because we certainly are not in the home straight as yet.

Geoff.

[Helpadad]

Hi all, thank you all for your kind words. We are in week two now and so far no drinking. The aggression this week though is through the roof, she is agitated and takes it out on me and blames me for taking her to the hospital. She makes herself the victim and doesn’t see how she is treating others. Still blames me for her drinking. I do wonder what they talk about in therapy, but as mentioned is it just treating the drinking, and not other aspects of her personality. I took two weeks off work and drove her everyday to her appointments and sat in the car for an hour waiting. But she still says I do nothing for her. My patience is being tested this week, but I still do love her, but is it enough. I know if we didn’t have kids I would have left. I also know that this aggression phase will pass, but at what cost? My eldest daughter goes on school camp tomorrow and they have always clashed and both do horrible things to each other, but one is an adult and one is a child.
I can’t understand why the therapist is not treating the depression?

thanks again for listening

[smallwolf]

Hi Helpadad,

I can understand your concern re depression. while I know little about your story, and type of therapist, etc (not that I need to know) many things may occur - such as developing rapport/trust in each other, working out goals, what the issues etc, where they might have come from, strategies to name but a few.

i can imagine how upsetting it is when your partner tells you hurtful things. It is very easy to jump onto the negative thing and ignore or skip over other things you are doing. Sorry.

how long it takes to heal (and whatever that word means to anyone) can vary between one person and the next.

The one thing you might want to consider is talking to Al-Anon, a support group for partners of (former) alcoholics.

Others here will likely have more knowledge on the life afterwards, but please keep posting here if you find it helpful. It's better than turning that anger/hurt elsewhere.

Tim

[ecomama]

Hey Helpadad

Belated welcome to the forums, I'm sorry for the reasons you came, but hope you feel very supported through your journey.

I left my H who was and still is an alcoholic 30y later, also a gambling and sex addict.
I left BECAUSE of the children.
I couldn't bare to think this behaviour was modelled so deeply that it would effect the rest of their lives so completely.
It's like "osmosis" how children absorb things.

None of my adult children have issues with alcohol, unlike his next children do.

I'm not saying either path is easy!
I'd tried everything.

I attended Al Anon for years and tbh felt this was a rewarding space for martyrdom.
This was long before the internet and online forums etc.
Maybe it helps others IDK. I found The 12 Steps beneficial but not in application to that marriage or the drinking.

The "rub" is that just because a person is seeking help, and from what I can see from your situation so far, your wife is not willingly seeking help, she's being "made" to get help, there's absolutely ZERO guarantee this person will recover with or without help.
Even if they say on the surface they will do anything to beat it.

It takes immense strength, fortitude, resolve to beat an alcohol addiction.
It takes a TOTAL change of lifestyle and determination to USE other strategies to deal with day to day "stress" which most of us call "life".

It also takes a person to accept 100% responsibility for their illness, their treatments, their behaviours and actions.
To make amends.

I just don't know if your wife is "there" yet and ready for this. I HOPE SHE IS!

Believe me when I say, I really KNOW the absolute frustration of the lies, deceit, hiding, almost like a child lying when it's SO obvious they are.

I left when I still loved him very much.
I raised the kids 99.9% on my own.
I'm forever grateful to myself that I left. So are my kids.
His next wife has lived in utter hell.
He's now a virtual invalid, still drinking.

I Pray there's hope for your wife.
And your marriage and family.

Thinking of you
EM

[geoff]

Hi Helpadad, I'm replying on my mobile so there maybe spelling mistakes.

It's hard for the therapist to know whether the alcohol is causing the depression or the other way around and for them to know may change from session to session so making a decision may vary

What they need to do is find a crack that is consistent to know how to address her counseling

Will get back to you so please reply

I know that it's difficult to try and understand because perhaps it's not something you know yourself because the alcohol confuses the whole situation

Take care

Geoff

[Helpadad]

Thanks Geoff,

I made a big mistake yesterday, I left my mobile at home when I went to work and she went through all my messages to from her family and mine. Some were t pretty, giving advise and support, but she saw the bad in all and took photos as she said to show her therapist.
she says I have turned everyone against her and aired her dirty laundry for all. She doesn’t see they are supporting both of us, but obviously being concerned for our children.
the anger this week is still intense and this didn’t help.