It's definitely not easy, especially depending on the severity of alcohol use and the severity of the depression. While life can be deeply challenging in so many ways for the person who suffers through alcoholism and mental health issues, it can be even more challenging for family members, partners, friends etc. It can be so incredibly important that such people manage their own mental, physical and soulful sense of wellbeing. I feel so deeply for you, as it sounds like you've reached a point of desperation, where you're struggling to manage your husband's continuing dependency on alcohol.
I don't think a drinker fully comprehends the amount of stress, frustration, disappointment and so on that the people around them experience (based on their drinking). It's hard for a drinker to be fully conscious of such things when they are gradually losing levels of consciousness. From largely conscious or sober through to a complete loss of consciousness or blacking out, there are a lot of levels in between. Based on my own experience, living with a husband who'd be classed as 'a functional alcoholic', it's the in between levels that can sometimes be the most challenging. I believe there are times where we have to legitimately ask our self 'What would serve me best in this moment?'. Could it involve phoning a friend, someone who we need to be conscious when we're facing significant challenges? Could it involve taking our self out for a break or treat (perhaps a dining experience out somewhere with a good book), while learning to become our own best friend? Could it involve learning to no longer reason with someone who's not conscious enough to offer, accept and see good reasons? Could it involve a life changing reassessment when it comes to the kinds of appointments/roles we give to our partner? 'I no longer appoint you as the person who's willing and able to discuss important topics at any time. I appoint that role to someone who I can rely on'. So, a constructive form of dis-appointment. I've found these are just a handful of the things that have come to work for me over time. They've also helped with my own mental health and self esteem.
I think the outcome can be very different for a drinker who wants to stop drinking and tackle mental health issues and a drinker who believes they don't have a problem (everyone around them has the problem). The second can be incredibly frustrating to live with and even depressing in some cases.
