Depressed son

[Lucy-]

My son is 19 and is depressed ( did the checklist and scored “very high”) but will not let me help him and doesn’t want to help himself. He works full time but as soon as he gets home he smokes weed, we have tried to get him to stop or cut down but he won’t. He doesn’t eat all day until he is stoned and is underweight. 
he doesn’t have any friends but connects with people at work. He’s lost his confidence and I just do not know how to help him. I’ve tried to get him to see a doctor and have given him at John’s wort to try but doesn’t seem interested. We have tried getting him to exercise with no luck, I’m at my wits end. 

[Baileysmells]

It sounds like your son need some direction and perspective, I’m 20 and the past 3 years were filled with depression and abusing cannabis.

It’s a very slow process, someone that doesn’t want to help themselves will not get better so the question that you need to answer is how do I help him want to get better?

For me it was a combination of time, therapy, medication, journaling and responsibilities.

I mentioned this to another mother tonight, young men without responsibility or direction are lost. I feel as if a lot men go through a phase of feeling lost. 

Have you brought up a mental health care plan with your son? Some psychologist sessions can help immensely. To give him perspective from someone who is blunt yet compassionate. As someone who was in a similar situation, people you know before you become deep in a depression now become walking expectations for us to meet in a way, you’re expected to not be that way. This is just how it feels in that moment. Pressure to be happy and ‘normal’. Perhaps a new face will make him listen more proactively. 

Marijuana is used by people in india who are essentially hermits I was told by my psychiatrist, they smoke so they can live with contributing nothing and doing nothing- and to be okay with it. So in saying that, why do you think he is smoking so much? It may be an escape from a life he doesn’t feel content with.

There’s a quote from south park of all things, but it resonated with me when I was heavily abusing weed. “Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn’t gonna make you kill people, and it most likely isn’t gonna fund terrorism, but, well son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored, and it’s when you’re bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren’t good at anything.” perhaps hearing that will assist him. 

Take care, try not to let the pressure of his mental health get to you. If you feel as if you’re responsible for him getting better- you will put a lot of stress on yourself. -b

[Lucy-]

Thank you so much for your reply, you have given me a lot to think about. 

[therising]

Hi Lucy

From one mum to another, you're obviously a beautiful loving mum. It can be easier sometimes to not do the hard work involved in trying to raise our child out of where they're at. While some parents work with the idea that's the equivalent of 'I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope they 'grow out of it'', you are not one of those parents. Your son's blessed to have you in his corner, whether he's feeling that or not.

I can't help but wonder who your son naturally is, what is his nature. Sometimes the nature of a person can go toward explaining why they do what they do. For example, if he's a sensitive guy who has the ability to sense so much (being sensitive to sound, other people's stress, people's arrogant degrading depressing nature etc), a release or escape from that could involve dope, as a way of detaching and helping to settle his nervous system. If he's someone who has a huge amount of internal dialogue going on up there in his head, perhaps the dope helps turn the volume down on that. While there are natural ways to achieve managing sound, feeling other people's nature and emotions, facing enormous amounts of internal dialogue, other than with dope (which is technically a natural medicine), it could be a matter of first addressing his nature, before anything else. By the way, when I refer to dope as a natural medicine, recreationally it tends to create more of an overall disconnection from feeling life in a number of ways. I recall the feeling. Going back a bit. Ceased smoking it around 20. I'm now 52. Throughout my years in depression, up into my mid 30s, I was a drinker. I used the drink as an emotional regulator. Not good for managing depression, of course. Any drug, legal or not, can often be used to regulate internal chemical reactions and emotions, raising them, lowering them or maintaining them.

I think sometimes, based on our child's nature, they may have always struggled with their nature or who they naturally are but it's only now that they've managed to find what helps them cope with that nature in the world they've always faced. So, kind of like a new welcomed solution to an old problem.

[james1]

Hello Lucy,

Thanks for your post. It sounds like a lot of the things you've tried to help your son with have not produced the changes you were hoping for, and it's putting a lot of stress on you. Baileysmells and therising have made some really good suggestions and I don't think I really have much more to add, as you're clearly doing the right thing by simply being there for your son.

I would normally ask whether you know what your son wants you to do to help, but it seems like you've already answered that in a way as you've said he won't let you help and doesn't want to help himself. So while I don't want to suggest that you do nothing, perhaps it's actually more a matter of doing less but still being present and caring.

It is very hard to help someone if they don't want their situation to change. Not only is it tough to actually create change, it's frustrating and stressful - two things that can actually flow on to the person we're trying to help.

When I was really depressed, nobody helped me. The only person who got me out of my depression was myself. I had people around me who supported me, who I could talk to, and who also gave me my space when I asked for it. But they were there to keep me afloat when things were bad, and to help me celebrate the small good things that happened.

I know it is hard to watch someone you love and care for be in pain and engage in coping mechanisms that don't seem to be helping at all. But those coping mechanisms do help in the short term and the best we can do as their support is to find out where our loved ones are with their mental health, and meet them there.

James

[Lucy-]

Thank you for your reply, yes he has always struggled with his nature, he doesn’t like how the world works unfortunately.

[Lucy-]

Thank you James for your reply, I’m going to take a step back but let him know I’m here for him always but not be on his back about changing. 

[therising]

Hi Lucy

Wondering if connecting with people of a similar nature could possibly make some difference to your son. Of course, if he happens to be a natural introvert, can be incredibly challenging. If he doesn't like the way the world works, perhaps a culture of volunteering in changing it for the better or getting paid to change it might be something that suits him, so he has a hand in changing a world he doesn't like. Might even help him find a sense of purpose. For example, if he loves animals, he could look at working with animals. If he loves animals more than people, an animal shelter with a few deeply caring people might hit the mark. The challenging side of trying to change what's not good about this world...you can come across the worst in human nature while you're doing it, such as with seeing the result of cruelty or neglect that comes through an animal shelter. The up side, you come across this with a group of people who can help you manage making better sense of human nature while you're serving those who really need you.

I've found a natural side effect of discovering and working on developing true nature and perhaps purpose involves eliminating from life what gets in the way, the factors that stop or dull progress. One of the main reasons I no longer drink is because alcohol dulls my senses. Being naturally sensitive, I need to get a good sense of what or who is bringing me down, who or what is stressing me out etc. For example, I can either feel the full impact of the evening news, the sense of stress, hopelessness, helplessness and anger it can generate or I can dull my senses to it all with booze, to help me cope with what I feel. I choose to feel the news, which exactly the reason I no longer connect to it. I keep up with what's going on in other ways.

If your son's a sensitive guy, this makes him incredibly special. While a sensitive person can be left to feel a depressing put down alone, while feeling deep sadness through it, sensitive people in a room together can all feel downshift at the same time from someone, and knowingly smile at each other without having to utter a single word of recognition. A sensitive person should never be left to feel their sensitivity alone. Trying to master it alone can be a slow and painful process.

[james1]

Hello Lucy,

Thanks for your reply. I read your response to therising, and it sounds like your son has a lot of concerns about the world around him. That can certainly make it hard for him to find his place and find a way to be comfortable.

therising made some really great suggestions about how he could connect with others and find his place that way.

One thing I've also noticed is that people often feel supported simply by having their concerns acknowledged and heard. This is particularly for concerns that are really big picture world problems, because we can feel really helpless, and know that individually we are helpless. I often find it more helpful to address and acknowledge the person's worry about the world, rather than focus on how it affects them. An earnest show of solidarity can be a really powerful way to comfort someone who is struggling with problems we don't know how to solve.