Depressed and sadness

[SilvaLady]

Hello,

This is the first time I'm posting a new thread.

I have been depressed for a number of years now. The anxiety that comes with it, makes it even harder. Often I burst into tears for no apparent reason and my thought patterns are often negative. I tend to be hard on myself, though knowing that it is not "my fault" that I feel like this.

To top it off, I found out yesterday that the Nursing Home I work is closing. I'm in my early 50's and the prospect of having to look for work, is daunting.

I don't know what to do at the moment.

SilvaLady

[SilvaLady]

Good evening,

just a quick update. Number of agencies, stating that I have "a job", but no shifts coming in so far (with one I would have to travel up to 8 hours to get there). It's been about 6 weeks or so. Had to keep looking for a job. Finally I have an interview later this week, it looks promising.

I am getting tired of being the nice daughter and keeping up the pretences that everything's fine with me, when it is not. Am getting tired of pretending and talking, wishing that I could just say that I don't want to stay in contact.

Am getting so tired of all this, but at the time I feel guilty of thinking like this.

Sometimes I just wish I could disappear.

[Croix]

Dear SilvaLady~

Disappointing about the job they said you had, let's hope that interview leads to something. Traveling 8 hours is ridiculous.

I guess you are in a trap with your mother, out of self-defense you cannot tell her your real feelings and situation without it being thrown back at you in a cruel manner.

On the other hand not being in contact so often might be a possibility, nothing formal like saying you wanted out, just 'busy' - what do you think?

Croix

[Chivebag]

Being able to recognize when depression is pulling you down is the first step toward recovery. When depressed, all sorts of negative thoughts can get stuck in our heads, so it’s important to be able to keep these in check.

[SilvaLady]

Hi Chivebag,

thanks for your reply. I am usually aware of when I'm "depressed", as I am can feel the difference. I often distract myself and look for things to "do", if it makes sense. Thank you for your advise and support.

SilvaLady

[SilvaLady]

Good Morning Croix,

thanks for the reply. In the case with mother I only tend to contact her, when I feel it is "necessary" (every few weeks). I usually only tell her the basic things , like how I am going and such. Considering the family dynamics between my family, I don't bring that up. I spoke to her yesterday, she started talking of what happened with one of the family member (which I knew about already), I didn't comment about it. I changed the subject to something else. I think she realized that I didn't want to talk about it, as I try to stay in the neutral zone, but it still hurts when they put me on the spot (by telling me things about various family members).

I have the interview this morning, staying positive regarding this.

Have a lovely day.

SilvaLady

[SilvaLady]

Good Evening,

It has been an eventful day today. I had the interview yesterday, and this morning I received a phone call that I got the job, only 2 days a week as a casual. Better than nothing, knowing the fact that I can pick up more shifts as they become available. this seems always the case with most places in aged care places. I try to stay hopeful.

I have started a point form diary to take to my psychologist, as when I get there she tries to help me with various things in the past. I think she is a wonderful psychologist, I feel very comfortable around her. With the diary I am keeping, I may be able to address the concerns/problems that I have, especially around family.

Thank you for reading,

SivaLady

[Croix]

Dear SilvaLady~

I'm delighted at your news. The success of the interview and some part time work will not only start to alleviate your worry, but will -if you are anything like me - be a boost to confidence and self worth. Ans yes I'd expect as staff come and go you will pick up more work.

That boost in ego may help you with your mother too. Now you are working - and on an equal footing so to speak - it may be you can ignore her more hurtful comments.

I've found myself and have often heard others say too that it is the relationship with the therapist, rather than any specific type of therapy, that does the most good. So I'm very pleased that you feel comfortable with her and have started homework already.

Please continue to let us know how you are going, we look forward to it

Croix

[SilvaLady]

Good morning, Croix

Thank you for kind words, and yes I feel better within myself; but I still have some "not very good days".

As for my mother, I'm keeping my distance. When I speak to her and tries "to help" by making "suggestions", I listen and I tell that I "think about it" , then I change the subject. I hope it makes sense. I know what I want out of my life and I am working towards that goal, one step at a time.

I have to wait until the middle of January to see my psychologist, hence me keeping a diary. For the last two sessions with her, I had a "good" day, but then the next day I was feeling down again. I am getting better of pulling myself out of those situations. Just taking time to do so.

Have a wonderful day and I am hoping that you are looking after yourself too.

Cheers

SilvaLady

[Croix]

Dear SilvaLady~

I guess bad days are part of the territory, I've found two things that have helped, the first is the knowledge I've managed to get through them umpteen times before, and the other is planning.

By that I do not mean anything particularly grand or difficult. for instance when good I've been reading a book and enjoying it, looking forward to the next chapter (or even the next book if they are a series). I'll then stop and put it away and start reading something else. I know it is there and when I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and hopeless picking up that book helps.

Hopefully that makes some sort of sense. I'm not suggesting books would be your answer, though as we mentioned before there are those similar to Eddings, it might be computer game instead or something else entirely. Just to know you have a something to fall back on.

Mothers, or anyone else making "suggestions" has really been a pain, often leaving me resentful and cross. First because it highlights the difference between them and me -they do not have a clue what has been in my head, and secondly they charge ahead arrogantly spouting something completely inappropriate without thought -maybe I'm just grumpy - but I suspect it is just to make them feel better.

I think your attitude to your mother is really the only possible one.

Feeling down the next day after a session is also pretty common, you are in a hopeful environment and more seems possible. The next day reality closes back in and it is hard to remember that the things in the session are still possible and still true.

As for me -ta for asking, I'm OK, last month was not good, however I slackened off my activities in response and got more rest and reading, I think it helped.

Croix

[SilvaLady]

Good evening Croix,

I'm sorry for the delayed response to your response. I truly appreciated your responding to my posts and your advice, considering what your going through yourself. December is usually not a good month for me for last few years. It includes my birthday, Christmas and the New Year. Considering my family situation it is even harder last month then it was before. Also not working, didn't help. I know I have "couple of jobs", I didn't get the shifts/work I wanted or needed. The only shift I was able to pick up (so far) was for yesterday. Considering where I live, I usually would/need enough time to travel there (through the agency).

So today of all days I'm not really coping, I even couldn't tell my sister-in-law on how I was/am feeling today.

Today I'm just finding it too hard to stay positive.

Thank you for being here and thank you for all your support.

SilvaLady

P.S. Although I had a shift yesterday, it doesn't seem to relief the need to work more than one day here or there.