Depressed and sadness

[SilvaLady]

Hello,

This is the first time I'm posting a new thread.

I have been depressed for a number of years now. The anxiety that comes with it, makes it even harder. Often I burst into tears for no apparent reason and my thought patterns are often negative. I tend to be hard on myself, though knowing that it is not "my fault" that I feel like this.

To top it off, I found out yesterday that the Nursing Home I work is closing. I'm in my early 50's and the prospect of having to look for work, is daunting.

I don't know what to do at the moment.

SilvaLady

[Croix]

Dear SilvaLady~

You sound somewhat happier and in control. I likes the Belgariad, Mallorean, Belgarath the Sorcerer and Polgara the Sorceress, but the rest of David (& Lee) Eddings leave me disappointed..

Anther in a similar vein -youth grows up with powers etc is the Recluce series by L.E.Modesitt Jr.

One never can control what others think, and chasing causes extreme stress on occasion, I"m glad you are able to ignore or discount their thoughts and views.

As for trust in the future, my partner says 'when one door closes another opens' - who am I to argue?

Croix (who knows better than to argue with a spouse anyway:)

[SilvaLady]

Hi Croix,

Yes, I was feeling good on that particular day, but the next day I wasn't that great. Sometimes it feels like that I'm taking one step forward, then two steps backwards. It feels like that something in my head knocks on the door and tells me that it is still there. I even looked into the "smiling mind" online on my laptop, signed up, but haven't used it that much yet. I sometimes find that my mind comes up with excuses not to do that or use it.

Thank you again for replying, knowing that I can put things here (or like some other people in the forum have stated already) or to vent.

SilvaLady

[Croix]

Dear SilvaLady~

It is disappointing, discouraging and frustrating when the down trough starts up again, and sadly it happens. You are not back where you started though, like muscles, getting to feel better becomes stronger the more times you do it. Hopefully like me as time goes on the waves become slower and not as deep, then controllable to a greater extent.

If I might suggest persevere with smiling mind, even just the first 2 minute demo session can be enough to break out of a loop in the mind, cycling though all that is bad - or could be. You can switch off the background music if you wish, I do.

So what is venting? It is simply telling another (hopefully one who understands) about your life at the time and the things that you are finding very hard. It is not only natural to do this, but I beleive does some good. Not only to maybe give some perspective to yourself, but also so that horrible feeling of isolation is stopped, it quickly turns to feelings of lack of self-worth if you believe you are the only one.

Does that make any sort of sense?

It's one of the downsides of being a male brought up just after the war, men do not talk of such matters! I bottled things up to the extent I nearly killed myself. Releasing all from inside earlier would have made a huge difference.

I find I can make excuses not to do something out of fright. Fright that it might not work -something I don't realy want to have to face. Mind you I'm normally wrong and things do work OK.

Croix

[SilvaLady]

Hi Croix,

I have spent some time browsing the other forums, in the last couple of days. And I came across some posts that you have made with other people there.

So I wanted to say "Thank you" to you for talking to me, especially since you have struggles yourself. Also I came across some posts, where people have commented on their negative thought patterns, to which I can totally relate to.

The more I was thinking about it this morning, the more I'm starting to realize that those negative thought patterns stemmed from my childhood, especially since my two siblings came along. I'm the eldest of three. My mother treated the youngest sibling differently to me and my brother, even to this day this happening. I don't think that she is aware of this happening. She doesn't seem to hesitate to tell me and my brother the truth of what she is thinking of, but she sugar coats things when it comes to the youngest sibling.

I have come to realise that my anxiety/depression has started in the last year that I lived with my mother about 4 years ago. She would quite often make comments that were hurtful, out of respect for I didn't say anything to her about this. Even if I did, she would think about it and then she would have thrown it back at me, inflicting more pain. If that makes sense.

I have started the smiling mind, and I have found that it helps.

Also I'm reading "The Malloreon", I'm on the second last book in that series.

Thank you again, and I'm happy for you that you have a great support person, your spouse.

SilvaLady

[Philomena]

Hi Silvalady

know that you are not alone with what you are struggling with. Anxiety and depression come to everyone at some point of their lives some are strong to overcome it , whilst others fall a prey to it.

If one door has closed for you know that god will open another door for you maybe a better job with a better pay. Everything that happens in our lives is for our good we don’t really look at it this way at that moment but realise it is for something better that things happen in our lives and it is through struggles that we become stronger and are able to face any eventuality in life.

Have hope for the future and stay positive that it holds something better for you. Don’t lose hope and courage stay strong in mind . If you do this you will eventually be able to overcome your depression and look at life better and enjoy it.

stay blessed

[SilvaLady]

Hello Philomena,

Thank you for your lovely words. It makes a bit easier, knowing that I'm not alone in this and that there other people struggling with this. It's lovely to have a forum where likeminded can share their struggles and support and help each other with the day to day struggles.

I have heard this saying quite often and have used it a bit myself : "when one door closes, another will be open".

Thank you again for the lovely words, they have given me some comfort. Also some more things to consider as well.

SilvaLady

[Croix]

Dear SilvaLady~

Yes I am ridiculously lucky to have my partner, as you know another makes a whole load of difference. Sadly, as in your mother's case, that influence can do great harm. The only way I know to reduce that is distance.

Have you mentioned this to your psych?

For some reason many of us take on constant negativity as being somehow due to ourselves, not logical but still has far-reaching effects.

May I ask how you get on with your brother? I don't remember you mentioning him, at least not in this thread.

The second last in the series , that always makes me unhappy, having found a refuge it comes to an end, still the two other books of his I mentioned are good, as is that other author, Modesitt, who has multiple series of similar quality.

Croix

[SilvaLady]

Hello Croix,

I know that I haven't mentioned my brother before, but due to the conflict between him and my other sibling ( the youngest in this case ), I'm at a cross roads. I have made a point of not taking sides, but she seem to have decided to make that decision for me.

Considering what is going on between me and everybody else in the family, I have decided to take the lead on what she wants to do (meaning the last decision).

In some ways, she thinks that she is way is winning.

In this case, my brother and I have become closer, only because we talk to each other and we seem to understand each other better because of the circumstances of our past.

I feel lucky to have my brother and his partner for the support of what I'm going through.

Many thanks and kind thoughts to you and your spouse.

SilvaLady

[Croix]

Dear SilvaLady~

I'm very glad you do have someone as an ally and freind. there is nothing like shared or similar hardship to bring people together. Just to be understood -and know you are being understood -is a relief.

Parents can do so much harm and it can linger for lifetime. I was torn towards the end of my mother's life if I should resume contact or leave well alone.

I did resume contact and found nothing had changed. Sad really.

So what are you going to read next? I'm always on the lookout for good series.

Croix

[SilvaLady]

Good Morning,

I haven't had much time for reading in the last few days, as I have been working for the last few days. Today being the last day of work, before I get couple of days off. Also have been busy getting my resume ready for job applications. This morning I have started to apply for another job.

I also have been trying to do some housework, tidying up and some cleaning. It just seemed to be hassle trying to keep my unit clean and tidy. Somehow my untidy unit seem to match my state of mind, messy. If that makes sense.

I do stay in contact with my mother and sister, but it is more for show on my part. I haven't told my mother of any issues that I have at the moment. I suppose in some ways I'm very reluctant to tell her, or I suppose I don't really want to tell her. I'm not really that close to her, I suppose. Ever since I can remember I have more or less kept to myself when my two siblings came along. I just couldn't compete with them for our parent's attention. I don't know if this makes sense.

I have read books of the author Jean M. Auel. It's a series of "earth children", it talks of a time approximate 10,000 to 15,000 years back. It's of a story of a young woman, who was orphaned at the age 5, finding her way in the world. Also I have read a lot books of Raymond Feist, which I have enjoyed. I might take trip to the local op shop to see what I can find there.

At the moment I'm taking my time of doing things, I have the radio on when I'm at home. It's nice to listening to music, while I'm either tidying up or sitting on my computer.

Yes, I have spoken to my psychologist regarding my family issues, also issues with work.

Many thanks and have lovely day,

SilvaLady