Denial

[_lady_]

Hi all, I'm new here.

I'll try to keep this short.

On Friday I perked up the courage to go see a Uni councillor to talk about my decline in mental health over the past few months, particularly this past month where it's been almost daily and I have become too fatigued to function (but have to function in order to keep my life going with work etc.) this is regardless of how much sleep I have had. I wake tired, and that level didn't change all day. I made about 5 GP appointments and cancelled them all over the last few months, as I have a complex where I feel as though I am faking what ever I am feeling (I think this has something to do with upbringing and being called a drama queen my whole life).

Anyway, the Uni councillor did a screening test with me in which I rated high for depression and anxiety. She booked me in with the school GP (she's fantastic) the same day so I wouldn't avoid it. I went, she diagnosed me with depression and anxiety and prescribed me medication and set up a plan for me and some referrals to good psychs. I felt relieved, I felt like someone believed me and it was a relief to know that was I was experiencing wasn't something I've made up in my head.

I'm now waking up to day 4 on the anti-D's (the side effects were a little less harsh yesterday thank god but still there), but I've woken up today with this overwhelming sense that I need to stop and that nothing is wrong with me and that I feel extremely guilty and selfish and stupid for even seeing a doctor because none of this is real.

My fiance and I don't talk about it much - which is fine with me, he doesnt know how to deal with it so he just tries to cheer me up and we kinda avoid conversation about whats going on - which is fine because none of it overly concerns him. The problem is, last night in jest I said something about the medication and his response was "You don't even need them". And this really hurt me. Because I had yet another person in my life reject what I was going through. I don't think he meant to hurt me, I think his mentality is that he has seen his brother and dad go through pretty severe depression and bipolar and maybe I don't equate to that, or maybe it's that he feels I shouldn't be depressed and if I am maybe it's because of him. I don't know. It's irrelevant anyway, my post here today is to hopefully talk to people who have felt similar? I don't know how to deal with it. I keep thinking I need to get off the medication (I promise I won't).

[Doolhof]

HI Lady,

Welcome to the community here. Your story is so similar to what so many of us here have experienced. It is "normal" to question the diagnosis, the taking of medication, thinking you should be able to pull your socks up and just move on. Our minds are full of all kinds of mixed up thoughts.

I'm pleased you have been able to get the help you need. Depression and mental health issues are real and people suffering from them do need help.

I'd like to suggest you read some of the information that is available on this forum in the resource guide. I find the more I learn about my depression and other mental health issues the more I am able to understand and comprehend how I tick so to speak and can help myself as well.

There is also a section about how others can help those with depression. If you call the help line on 1300 22 4636 you can ask for resources to be sent out to you.

Please don't think that maybe your depression is not bad enough to warrant any assistance or attention, depression is depression. Your boyfriend obviously has his own opinions about depressions and how to deal with it. He may benefit from reading some of the material on how to assist people with depression.

Both my husband and I have mental health issues. Sometimes we are able to help each other, other days we do a lousy job caring for ourselves let alone each other.

Reading books and internet articles helps me understand my illness more.

Don't think of your depression as an illness that will hold you back. Understand it, live with it, you may well beat it, it is an illness that needs treatment, it is not a life sentence or a label you have to live up to, or down to.

Hope this makes sense, cheers from Mrs. D.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Lady,

I see that Mrs Dools has come by and provided a very good response to you, with a good lot of things suggested and reading materials, as well as the most important aspect of all, support. That’s what is so wonderful about Beyond Blue … the support here is awesome.

Like Mrs Dools, I’m very pleased that you were finally able to get the proper diagnosis of this … otherwise, it could have go on untreated for a long long time, which is not good.

I’m very pleased by your last sentence, saying that you won’t stop taking your meds … good. That is good. They are an important aspect in the aiding and helping process. Having said that, they are just one part.

You’ve also taken the very first step, which can quite honestly be the hardest step, and that is to get yourself to a GP and to be diagnosed. You’ve taken that very important step, and you’ve gone and got your meds and commenced taking them. You should feel very proud of doing those two things, as they are things that a lot of people can struggle with.

With regard to your fiancé, I would honestly sit with him and discuss it. Tell him that this IS very real for you and that you’ve been diagnosed (and rightly so – ie: no it is NOT in your head, you are NOT making this up). If he feels it’s because of him, perhaps you can reassure him, that it’s not because of him (if indeed, that is the case). But he also needs to be made aware of simple comments like his the other night, can have a really bad effect on you. EVEN if it is supposedly said in jest … things like that are never helpful, but totally the opposite, they cause harm. This is because of how we are made up and anything like this, we will ponder on, over and over and we will build it up to be something harmful and massive to us.

Not sure about other aspects of your life: ie: do you work? Do you have a close network of friends, or even just one good friend, someone you could confide in? Sports? Other life interests? I only ask this, cause all these things can help us as we need to get other things into our lives, to help us cope through the days. Taking meds, as I said above, is only one part of building up the wall to help fight our illness.

Would love to hear from you again.

Neil

[geoff]

hello Lady, thanks for Mrs. D and Neil for replying back to you, support like this is what we would hope for, and it will always come from people on this site, why, because we have been through our own type of depression and what we have had to struggle with over the many years of trying to cope.
It doesn't matter how much sleep you are able to get, with depression you always wake up tired, even after 10 hours of sleep.
To feel as though there is nothing wrong is a belief which may not be true, in other words you should not try and have this assumption just to kid yourself, and I say this with the greatest respect to you.
Your finance can't compare you to anybody else, just like apples aren't oranges, they are all different, and you make a good point when you say 'if I am maybe it's because of him', I'm not suggesting this at all, that's something you have to find out, but please you shouldn't feel any pressure in seeing your doctor, they only want to help you, that's their job and that's their intention.
It does worry me that you and your finance don't talk about it, to me it seems as though he has no interest, but I hope that you can trust us so that we can listen to what you want to say as well as your psychologist, because we believe what you are saying, and will be here for you. Geoff.

[Mr_Walker]

Hi _lady_ - yes I felt like that at first with my medication- self doubt is a big part of anxiety - I almost felt like the anxiety didn't WANT to be cured (if you know what I mean?) - it would keep sabotaging my attempts to get better.

I'm glad you're sticking to the medication - it's very common for people to give up before it has time to have an effect - and even MORE common to give up once your anxiety goes away - I did that a couple of times "my Anxiety's gone, I don't need the medication anymore!" When it was the medication which made the anxiety go...

The other thing is - your description of your fiance's reaction sounds a bit like mine years ago - when my wife was suffering from depression I found it hard to talk to her about it and I seemed a bit dismissive - but really I didn't want her to be unwell because I love her so much - so I kind of told myself (and her) that it wasn't too bad - it was totally the wrong way to deal with it and it was unhelpful and hurtful but it just came from love and worry and ignorance...

I would just keep doing what you're doing - you're on the right path - and look at the feeling of self-doubt as a symptom...

Good luck, J.

[Bluererer]

Hi _lady_ and welcome! Its great to hear you are feeling better in yourself now. I had suffered with depression for years and it wasn't until I sought serious treatment that I recognised it for what it was and started to improve (well at first, it halted the decline, but thats another story 🙂 I had told myself I was just lazy or weak or self-pitying, but now I am aware of triggers, symptoms and ways to overcome them.

Its not a coincidence that many people describe depression as sinking, falling, being swallowed or smothered. If you ignore it, it may not go away. Other's may not understand and people on the fringe of your life may not need to, but for those who are close, I feel it is important to let them know that this is real and it is serious and explain that I am working with others to get better.

When the medication starts working the feeling of well-being can trick you into thinking you are fine and you were overreacting and you don't need it. Don't stop there; you have started a journey to self-awareness and
wellness!

[159357]

Hi Lady!

I know the feeling, it constantly feels like i'm not sad. " There's nothing wrong with me.
I'm just an idiotic child, why am i like this?", these thoughts are always going through my head which has led me to not want to get help, as i fear i'll just look stupid.

But i'll let you know, it's ok. Keep taking the medication as you said you would and stop thinking about it as something special and limited, think of it as part of you and push through. Eventually (hopefully) you'll get through.

(messaging on beyondblue when i have assignments due tomorrow... (don't do this it's bad))