Dealing with the Black cloud

[GlennD]

Wow this is hard, I am not sure where to begin, I have just signed up to the forum so I can talk with people experiencing issues with depression. A little bit about myself, I am a 36 year old male living in Brisbane, I have a wonderful wife who is so supportive and two kids both boys 8 and 4. Back in 2006 I was a pillion passenger on a motorcycle when we had an accident, the operator miss judged where he was and we hit a storm drain at speed, the suspension fully compressed with the weight of us both and the chassis of the bike hit the bottom of the concrete drain on the opposite side. Neither of us actually fell off but I suffered a 55 – 60% compression fracture of my L1 vertebrae. I put 7mm of bone into my spinal column, from what I understand 10mm of bone and I would have been in a wheel chair. I spent 3 months in an upper body brace while my body fixed what it could, I was very lucky in one way that I was actually a defence force member and was covered for all medical expenses during this time. I was prescribed a concoction of heavy pain killers and anti-inflammatory’s to deal with it. Needless to say I was at the pit of despair, my world had just been shattered, everything  I was used to had to change. The person controlling the bike during my accident had no injuries so I was questioning why me, why did I have to break my back. I was stuck at home unable to sit comfortably, couldn’t play properly with my then 1 year old son, couldn’t sleep well, was highly moody and a real pain to live with, I was so very fortunate that my wife was 100% committed with me and took on all the extra burden of house hold duties that she usually did and also the ones i did. She didn’t complain she just dug in and slaved away to maintain a wonderful household and do an amazing job of raising our son. After a couple of months I went back to work on light duties, I could not return to being the diesel mechanic that I was prior to the accident. A position was made for me to work in the office (this was hard as I was a very active person and have always enjoyed my careers being those that are hands on rather than sitting at a desk), that controlled all the mechanical tasks on defence vehicles, I had to have all the occupational assessments, ergonomic work station assessments the list goes on and on, during all this i had to start extensive rehabilitation and physio activities. The specialist were saying that I should get back to about 80-90% of my original condition, i would never be totally right again, the chance of it getting worse as I got older was likely, especially once the discs in between the vertebral body degraded I would require a spinal fusion In 2007 I was discharged from defence as I was medically unfit to remain in service. This was a scary part of my life, as for the first time in my life I had no idea what path I wanted to take as the things I was most passionate about I wasn’t capable of doing any longer. I was lucky enough to secure a job straight away, which was amazing! Over the last several years I have been surviving ok, well so I thought… I was able to continue with limited exercise in the pool and light walking etc; I was managing to keep my weight under control with meal portioning. My wife still today does so much work at home to maintain everything; I can see that it gets to her that she cannot keep the house to the standard she would really like as she works full time as well. Since the injury I have been feeling worse about the how much of a burden I was on my family even though i was being told that i was not, I was so depressed that i could not sit on the floor to play cars with my boys or carry them around like a dad loves to do, and the look on their face when I said I could not give them a piggy back was just heart shattering.  We would go and do the shopping as a family, my wife would struggle pushing the heavy trolley around as I could not do it, then when it was time to go to the car she would carry the heavy bags while I took the light ones, the looks on the faces of other shoppers was like how could you allow your wife to struggle with all that while you carry the little things.  The problem is that my injury is not visible, I hide my pain as best as I can, even close relatives forget about the injury and ask if I can assist in lifting something or fixing something, it is so depressing saying i cannot and my wife would have to assist. To say it is depressing is one thing I think it is more demoralising than anything. I have tried to hide my feelings away from friends and family as best as possible but last year I noticed that I was starting to crumble, I had massive mood swings, I was so snappy and must of been so hard to live with. My wife learnt to see my pain in my face and would give me space, but even though I was not coping I would not admit to having depression, without me admitting to myself that I needed help no one could tell me otherwise. Early this year the black cloud as it is called, became all too much and I buckled becoming an emotional wreck, not showing affection to the people that loved me the most. Little things were really bothering me, my kids would make or do something normal and I would snap. It was the darkest time of my life, my family still stuck by my side even though it must have been hell for them as much as me, to see me so down and out when I am usually a very positive person would  have been horrible for them. I often had thoughts that it’s all too hard… Why bother! But I realised I needed to be here for my wife and kids. At that point I finally made the decision that I needed to get help, I was not right I was not ok. This was my turning point, finally admitting it, but by no means was the issues over… I wish they were. I was given a new pain management plain, all new drugs (which I found hard as I had tried to take as little pain medication as possible) as well as antidepressants, the pain meds seemed to aid a little bit but sleep was like nonexistent as I was always uncomfortable, max of about 4 hours, this was unsustainable. So my antidepressants were upped to try and aid in both mood and sleep. The problem was this first lot of medication was giving me huge side effects, my head felt like I was constantly swimming through a fog, I couldn’t do it! So I stopped them; heading back to the doctor to reassess. It looks like i am susceptible to chemical changes in my brain, yay for me, and no quick fix. Anyway another prescription in hand i head off to try this new antidepressant, everything was looking ok as we slowly built up the dose to the correct dosage, everything was looking good after a few months the side effects were coming back again, this time i was always hungry like painfully hungry, I would sweat at the thought of anything above 20 degrees, it was horrible, I was sliding back down again thinking that we would never get this under control. My brain was a mess, the slightest thing would drive me nuts, I was that far into despair that I believed that I may lose the relationship with my wife as she had a very normal relationship with a male friend (her best friend) they did fitness together and she was happy. It was taking her mind off everything, but my black cloud was brewing into a monster storm, I was getting into a jealous state, one that I would normally never get to, but it wouldn’t go away. I found that my wife and I were not communicating the way we usually did; i was withdrawing from life itself  because in my head she was having an affair with her friend, needless to say I was mortified, I couldn’t work, I was making mistakes everywhere, I was forgetting everything. So i took some time off, I felt lower than low, every normal thing my head would twist into a bad thing. Medication didn’t seem to work, my pain was increasing it was horrible, finally one day a week after starting my time off i snapped, i mentally broke down, I lashed out verbally about my wife’s relationship with her friend, accusing her of having an affair and how could she do this to our marriage, it was horrible! I was a monster! Depression had taken over. It is now 2 weeks since I had the breakdown, and I am doing a lot better, Instead of going absolutely crazy at me, which she could have easily done, my wife left work for the day and put up with me just put every little issue on the table, and every thought, everything, and then she explained her side of the story. If she wasn’t as strong as she was that day to weather the storm I put out I don’t know where we would be today. We chatted at length which was so refreshing it was like a huge weight was being lifted from my shoulders, the rest of the day we spent together just showing that we did love each other. This was all it took, to communicate properly and to admit that I had issues, not bottle them up. I have found now that Family and friends are a big part of managing depression, as it is a silent killer! I now understand how bad it can be. I have now changed medication again and it looks like it is working, I am starting to talk about it to all my close friends and family instead of trying to bottle it up. It is just the start of a long road back but at least I have started. The start of this road has brought me here, to chat with like minded people going through similar issues.

[vip]

Hi Glenn enjoyed reading your post you have been through a hell of a lot physically and emtionally and mentally. I committed suicide 3 yrs ago and survived it i have metal work in my pelvis, hip, spine in total 4 fractures luckily after all the rehab i am walking i hate telling people that im in pain because usually i get well you did it to yourself. Anyway i have recovered 3 yrs later im off my antidepressants after taking these for 22 yrs and i found the professional people pulled me through this all the many psychs i saw in the mental clinics, hospitals the doctors nurses the physios. I found family to be the worst they had no understanding some of them took off . My husband and myself attend many counselling sessions as he had no idea but we are back on track too. Anyway thank goodness for these beautiful people in the world that do care . And i find talking to everyone on these forums is beneficial as well i feel like im not alone here. Thanks for your story and i hope you keep getting better and stronger. Take care

[oneblackdog]

GlennD said... This was all it took, to communicate properly and to admit that I had issues, not bottle them up. I have found now that Family and friends are a big part of managing depression, as it is a silent killer! I now understand how bad it can be. I have now changed medication again and it looks like it is working, I am starting to talk about it to all my close friends and family instead of trying to bottle it up. It is just the start of a long road back but at least I have started. The start of this road has brought me here, to chat with like minded people going through similar issues.

Inspirational!

[geoff]

dear Glenn, what a painful story that you have told, but there are a couple of issues that I would like to talk about.

Does the army take over the responsibility from TAC with regards to the motor bike injury, as your path ahead is one of concern, as your spine will need attention down the track, as arthritis sets in as well as future operations on your back and vertebrae, just saying.

Being in denial can be a problem, as I was the same, but it only means that we are just deferring the inevitable and it puts our recovery weeks behind.

Maybe I shouldn't mention this, as it's nothing what so ever to upset you, so please don't take it as criticism, it's just food for thought.

Anyway, I am more concerned about this male 'friend' still hanging around, looking to contact your wife again, and that this should maybe stopped by her, I know she loves you.

Boy, you have a lot of physical problems now and in the future, and trying to get medication working for you is also a big issue.

I hope the best for you. Geoff.

[GlennD]

Thanks for your thoughts,

Yes my injury is covered by DVA which is one very large saving grace, But in saying that DVA brings there own set of issues which do not help the matter.

If i didnt have that cover i am not sure where i would be as we would be in no position to pay for all of my treatments and medication.

I agree Denial is the biggest problem with depression, if you bottle it up it is just going to eat you from the inside out.

It is not easy to admit it but this is the only way to move forward and manage.

Again thanks for your thoughts

cheers

glenn

[GlennD]

Nes,

Thanks so much for sharing your story with me,

It is funny you get wrapped up in your own issues and then comes along someone that is worse off than you,

Family and friends are so important, you really know who your friends are when going through depression, they are the ones that stay by your side no matter what.

Again thanks for your story, all the best with your journey, i hope it is always getting a little bit better all the time.

cheers glenn

[GlennD]

 

Inspirational!

I must admit i would never have thought my story would be inspirational to anyone,

I thanks you for your thoughts, and glad i could offer some hope with my story.

All the best with your journey. Keep positive..