Dealing with disappointment

[Chickenhead]

On Thursday I sat in my doctors office and sobbed about a certain situation and all I could really explain as to why was that "it's just really what I didn't want". The only response she could give was that it is outside my control, it is what it is.

Yesterday I had a conversation with my husband about an unrelated matter expressing my anger that it's just not "fair" how another situation has played out. These people could have had compassion, but instead have chosen to remain uninvolved and in some regards isolate me.

My disappointment in both these situations is palpable, one leading to an overwhelming sense of sadness and threatening to cripple me, the other triggering a simmering anger toward certain people where I want to tell them exactly what I think and cut them out of my life once and for all.

How do I deal with that? How do I come to terms with disappointment? I've come to understand that disappointment is often caused by expectations not being met, but at some point you've got to have a win right? You can't go through life with no expectations, hopes or dreams, always believing you deserve nothing more than the least desirable outcome! What's the point?

It's so tiring always accepting what feels like second best.

[PamelaR]

Hi Chickenhead

Disappointment is so hard isn’t it? From not having the childhood I wanted, not having children, not being as wealthy as I’d like. Disappointment rippled through the core of who I am. Not knowing my core values, I did not have a framework to support myself when experienced negative emotions.

Each disappointment felt very traumatic. Though work with good psychologists, doctors, hubby and close trusted friends I’ve moved on in life and to feel okay that I am survivor of childhood abuse, that I have no children or grand children. It’s okay, it doesn’t mean I’m less a person. My major learnings through life are

To feel the emotional reaction to an event
I found it important to let myself feel. To only make important decisions after allowing a few hours or a few days to pass until I reached a calmer state of mind

Not to take things personally
Often, I attributed negative life events to my own personal failings. I’d say I deserved it, or attracted it to myself or were not “good enough” to have a different outcome.
The reality is, life will simply do what it does, whether I am there or not.

When I take something personally, it narrows my point of view and prevents me acquiring wisdom, which is an ability to see life from a deeper, broader, more meaningful perspective. Instead of making it “all about me,” allow yourself to “not know” by reminding yourself: “I don’t know, I don’t know.”
That way I can be available to a real understanding of an event when it arises. Eventually discovering more about myself and life.

Review expectations
My ability to self reflect is the essence of the good mental health I’ve achieved. I take time to explore what is happening, what it means to me and what it has taught me about life. Talking to my therapist, someone who really listens and has your best interests at heart, is useful. It helped me recover, reevaluate, gain insight and clarity that surprised me and made me feel better.

Try again or try another tack
Having followed these steps, it was time to make an important decision about what to do next and how to take action. If I genuinely think it’s possible to succeed by trying again, then I did have another go. Alternatively, I found the wisest course of action was to try another tack. With greater powers of self-reflection, a deeper understanding and newfound resources in dealing effectively with disappointment, I was more likely to experience success.

Hope some of this helps Chickenhead

PamelaR