Dealing with depression and anxiety

[clownartist]

I am new to this forum.I trying to deal with depression and anxiety which I have suffered from approx last two years.I have been through a bitter separation a marriage of 20 years or so. My teenage children have almost abadoned me and have very little support.My work has suffered .I am really struggling to deal with moving forward have to sell the property find new home and job.I have completely lost my mojo

[clownartist]

Hi CJs mums post,

Thank you for your support and you right I am finding it difficult right now .

The Rolling Stones songs Indian girl resonants life just goes on getter harder and harder.

I am concerned about my daughter but I need to give her some space right now until she is ready

I have good friend we talk every night about our issues very supportive .

Thank you for you support standing up for my dog I know it sounds pathetic but shes my best mate and its all I have right now, she licks away the tears i would love to come back as a dog with a good owner .As one of my neighbours commented she seems so happy one of the nicest compliments I have received.Doing something right

I agree my daughter will eventually see the light but it such a shame we have lost contact .We had so much in common maybe too much time will tell,being a parent is a thankless task.I think about my single mum with 5 kids and her struggle dont know how she did it!! Thanks for the support again

[white knight]

Hi CA,

I think I need to "hit home" a little with you, but first.

In 2008 I was single. My best friend, a lady living an hour away was also once my brother in laws wife. I'd matchmade them and was best man. She was also single. There must have been something in the soup when I invited her to my new cottage for dinner.

I told her how I felt about her. We married in 2011. My daughters auntie became her step mum.

The thing is, my now wife had the same issues with our ex's. Stubborness, laziness, emotional abuse manipulation and blaming....and never ever saying sorry.

We laugh a lot about our lives with that family. They ram down your throat how bad you are to the point that you begin to agree with their accusations.

I'd like to ask you a favour.

If I had one wish right now, it would be that you begin to have faith in YOU.

My first wife had two other husbands after me. Her second husband, when I dropped my kids off said " I've got problems". I said "and I'd know what they are."

His marriage fell apart for the same reasons as mine did. Only then did I realise that my ex's issues were indeed her issues and they were major problems.

Your ex CA IMO is a bully and treats you with contempt. You have stood your ground over your dog, well done. I would also. Our mini foxy is much loved.

When I left my family home in 1996,I had zero faith in myself. My ex had destroyed my confidence. My eldest was 7.

Last month I walked her down the aisle. When she was about 14yo and living with me her mother revealed her intolerance for leaving her to live with me. Not long after that my daughter stopped seeing her mother and her sister...why? Because their attitude is so destructive my daughter decided they were not worthy of them being in her life.

So one month ago my wife, one time auntie to my daughter, was "mother of the bride". And I the "father of the bride".

It all happened due to my determination and realisation that I have choices in my life just like others do to.

You have choices. You can choose easy decisions like not conversing with your ex for any reason. You could choose to give her one way of contact like text or letter, whatever you choose. If she violates your boundaries, end all contact.

You can choose to not allow her to mess with you because she is the "trigger" to your roadblocks in life, like drinking issues. She isnt to blame, but she's a trigger.

Its tough. But dignity and stepping on the next stepping stone is vital.

That's faith

Tony WK

[clownartist]

Hi WK,

Yes you touched a lot of nerves there .You are right my is ex is a bully and treats me with contempt Did we marry the same people?I am slowly realising how destructive she is for me esp my confidence.I look back in hindsight and and look at the damage she has done to me.

The negativity is the most destructive never a positive word about me at the moment I have zero faith in myself.

I did stand up about my dog because she has taken everything else my son daughter my farm and income it is all I have left besides my dignity which is pretty shattered right now My friend was very proud that I stood up to her .Not always trying to please .

Have you watched Alain de botton Why you will marry the wrong person The school of life .Interesting lot of truism there

I need to move on and avoid toxic people the stubborness blackmail etc esp my ex she is one of my triggers for drinking and anxiety

Got to say you have certainly moved on WK good on you it is a hard road. I hope I can emulate you CA

[white knight]

CA,

No I havent seen that show.

I suppose I've had a background of taking abuse. My mother used emotional blackmail on me as a teen up to 27yo when she said "if you dont break off with that girl I'll pack my bags and go away" to which I replied "I'll help you pack"

Sounds disrespectful but people use these techniques to hurt and control. For whatever reason your ex believes you are an extension of herself...she thinks she owns you.

I dont know what her real problem is but to get your mind active on the possibilities i.e that she is at least responsible for her half of the conflicts, please google

Queen witch hermit waif

that will give you extracts of a book called "walking on eggshells" The queen is the one that might interest you.

I dont conclude any judgement on your ex. I can however see parallels in her effect on you. The problem for you is not how she behaves, its how you are reacting to her, and to other challenges. This means shutting her out is your only option depending on your access to your child issue.

Toxic people roam the earth in great numbers. Their ability to treat others with contempt has been developed in a dog eat dog mentality. In a relationship that fails some never considered that their error in marrying their spouse in the first place should be the bare minimum of what their own mistake was. Instead it become a blame game then a crushing game.

In my thread Topic: be radical- beyondblue toxic people are made mention. I've spent the last 3 decades avoiding them. I disowned my mother as she is toxic, she ruined my first wedding and approaching my second I had to obtain a restraining order to garratee a problem free event.

But I hold zero guilt even though relatives have wiped me. My judgement of right and wrong is for me to judge.

This basic level of judgement I have and my determination is vital to my mental health and dignity.

The way forward in your case is multi pronged. Get busy on hobbies sports, projects, activities, put the fortress walls up, expell the toxics, set goals, regular GP visits and meds, be determined, tackle the drinking problem, frequently remind yourself you will always be your daughters father and things will improve one day when she'll want you, seek balance in everything you do.

You can do these steps.

Cheers

Tony WK

[clownartist]

Hi WK

I checked out the site the queen,witch hermit and waif.Very interesting and can see why you pointed me to the queen.The queen will be right about everything and never admit mistakes,never apologize or say sorry.I married the queen ,my brother married a queen.

Then I read on the witch and realised I was reading about my mother;the abrupt withdrawal of love and the razor sharp words that could cut you in half.We nicknamed her the beak and gunslinger when she turned on you,We all tried to please her because we knew it would mean peace hopefully. I finally disowned my mother and had little contact in her final years.I do forgive her and surprisingly miss her even with her destructive nature.Its like a drug trying to keep these people content.My relatives wiped me as well.Its like dealing with a cyclone with these people.

I believe my daughter is terrified of displeasing my ex and just wants to keep the peace.She does not want be banished for disloyalty like her father Off with their heads.My friend calls my ex the sardine and my daughter the warden

Thank you for your advice I agree with all and agree limit exposure to the queen and toxic people.I also agree it is my reaction to her it hasnt worked the last 20 years with her and yes she does think she owns me it started on our wedding day and has continued unabated The hardest thing to face is the Queen can never love anybody

I want to have dreams of my future not of my past, not look in the revision mirror all the time

Thanks again for your support I am trying to pick up the pieces

Cheers

CA