Dark depths of despair - it won't go away

[Neil_1]

Me of late … well it’s so hard to put into words.  I know a lot of you have been asking over the last little while.   I’m just so incredibly sad.  Just so low.  And then it makes me angry … with myself and sometimes it borders to others as well.  Not that I want to do any harm to anyone, but it’s just so difficult to express.  

Just over the last couple of days, what I think I’m realising is that I’m still in heavy mourning and still overcome with grief from the loss of my brother and my Dad.  And it’s a long time to be coping with this … 1991 for my bro and 2007 for my Dad.  But I kind of feel like why should I be happy when they’re no longer here.  I feel that why should I get any enjoyment out of anything;  cause Dad and my bro aren’t here anymore to enjoy such things.  Even more so for my brother, cause he was just 29 when I lost him.  But yeah, it’s sometimes like it’s in the days after the funeral, where everyone else is getting on with their lives and I think, “to hell with that … I can’t and won’t live properly – I’m going to continue to feel sad, because I have too.  No one else does this, f**k everyone else, I’m going to feel sad for them forever and I’ll show it to everyone”.  

And all the while, I’m just wasting away my life … and am worried every day that my kids will be ok, that they will turn out alright.   This low, awful feeling has been with me for so long now … and it’s really getting to me you know.  I see my Doc, I see my psychiatrist, my meds have been reviewed;  I have recently had another mental health check and that proved that yes, I am definitely not a normal functioning human being … I’m just … I can’t … anyway, they’ve got me a series of appointments with my psychologist, but the first one isn’t for another month yet. 

 I exercise every day, we have pets at home which are great, by the way … and yet I still feel this low. 

This unbelievable sadness that is ripping the absolute guts out of me.  

You know, I’m on here every day and I reply to all sorts of different folks … wonderful folks … but all the time, you’re hearing these posts from someone who is among their lowest ebbs in life.  I can’t do anything to end my life … I couldn’t and won’t do that to my beautiful family.  For as much torture and hell that I live through every day, if I did that, it would destroy them.  For anyone else who might be reading this … if you’re at that particular way of thinking … please think of the people you’d be hurting so badly who would be left.  I know we have these thoughts and how nice it’d be to not wake up again, but we can’t do this.  I’ve mentioned that we have the demons, the torture, the living hell inside our minds every day … but there’s nothing for it … despite doing you know  “all the right things that they say you should do”, I still am no better.  I’m clearly getting worse.

  So there we are, we are just a under-performing, under-achieving (whoops, sorry, that should have said I am) ……………………….. I want to scream out, I want to cry, but I can’t do the latter and  I’d frighten everyone in this workplace if I did the former.  

 I can’t even think of anything funny to say.  

 Bye for now  

 Neil

[Guest_3712]

Hi Neil 1,

You were the first person to reply to my post when I recently joined BB on line and since then I have read a lot of your posts which most times are replying to others in need of support.

So now it is you that needs support. I am sure all of your friends here you have known for a while will be in touch shortly and they knowing you better will have more relevant things to say to you.

I just want you to know that even in your darkest hour you have again touched me and made me stop and think- so thank you - again!

You are a fighter that is obvious . You know you couldn't and wouldn't hurt your family by leaving them , so  again you are looking out for others. Are you spending enough time on yourself I wonder?

The sadness has been with you for a long time by the sounds of it and as is typical of depression we sometimes think holding onto old feelings etc is far safer than exploring new ones. You will always carry your bro and dad in your heart forever and not being visibly sad all the time doesn't mean you love them less or don't miss them. But you know this ,as your real concern is your kids and how they will turn out.

My guess is with a sensitive, giving, supportive and unselfish dad like you they will turn out great.. I don't know how old your kids are but if they don't know already one day they will realize what a hero you are to survive what you've been through and still be able to think of others.

Take Care Neil and be comforted by the knowledge that a lot of people out there are sending you lots of positive vibes

Stressless

[Neil_1]

Hi Stressless

Thank you for your really lovely and warm reply ... actually it was a little too warm as you bought tears to my eyes.  Thank you.  That's a huge achievement on your part.

Look I don't know what I was doing this arve when I posted that ... well, I do know, I was in an awful place ... it's called work.  (snigger)

But there's so many others on here that you wonderful folk should be replying to and not me (and I'll get to that in a sec).  I'm now going ok ... it's a Monday evening, I've been to the gym and I smashed out a massive quad and calf session;  actually didn't quite pass out doing hack squats, but got very dizzy.  Nothing better than if you're feeling crap with yourself than to load up the plates on the machines and go for it.

And then home and I've had my very very good friend Vincent Berkawicz come over and he's still here now sitting with me ... and life is good again.  Oh for those who don't know Vince that well, I just actually call him by his initials.  🙂  🙂 

So getting back to help and support of others ... 'please gang, ignore me - for the moment 🙂 and I don't know if you've gone to Community Board recently, but I'm asking if the cavalry could go to someone's assistance there.

Myself and Lillybell have posted back, but I believe there's a number of you heaps better qualified than definitely myself to try and give this person some advice and assistance ... and what we all need ... support.

Community Board forum, and look for:  the post of No Longer Strong by nolongerstrong (or as I've nicknamed her, NLS).

Thanx heaps everyone

Neil

[Jo3]

Hi Neil

I'm so sorry I didn't reply earlier, i was at work. Yeah you that place where you have to go to earn some money!!! 

Neil, you always give 100% of your time to others on here and we very rarely see a post from you.  But when we do, I know that you must be down. 

I so hope you are okay now, you are a sensitive person just like me and i know too well what that's like.

I am really sorry, I just don't know what to write because everyone else has written great stuff to you.

Thinking of you and pls take care

Jo

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

I spend all this time, when you are all holding us all afloat, wondering how you are still kicking to the surface. The times comes and I am not sure what to say. I guess in time honoured tradition that means it's time to ramble.

I wish, now more than ever, that I could just fix things. As always, I can't.

If your kids get half of the love, care and attention that we see here on these forums to veritable strangers, than they will turn out more than fine. They will grow up knowing that their father loves them. That he is battling depression and sometimes may only stay here, alive, for them is probably too heavy for them.

I can certainly resonate that lately. Living for others is sometimes the only I reason I go on. It's been posts of yours that have pulled me back from that edge. Ramble away, I read it all. I would wager alot of us do.

Now I'm not really good at jokes but I do know random buits of information. Maybe it'll get you thinking about other subjects, if nothing else.

I found out the other day what neuroscientists do for fun. Basically there DNA and RNA that make up us, humans and those are made of proteins strung along like beads on a chain. Now they can be in different forms and have different beads (or amino acids) but its not easy to plot what they look like. These suckers twist and move and they can't predict them all the time. Let alone how they react when you expose them to other compounds. So there's a site in which they are given a possible sequence of a protein- an order to put the coloured beads in if you will. Then there is a contest. To see who can plot what that string of beads (or proteins) looks like. This is what they do for fun.

Understand, I studied 7 years, most of it towards Chemistry. I love little factoids like that. I LOVE that this contest to plot protein structures is a thing. I'd compete except I am far away from that level. I am only starting on my online course so I am barely understanding some of the science behind this neuroscience.  So take all I type with a pinch of salt and id an actual neuroscientist tells you different, believe them.

I hope my rambling has given you some relief. If notihng else, I hope it hasn't discouraged you. Keep doing what you're doing Neil. Maybe by helping us you are helping you.

GA

PS: I'll throw a brainteaser here for you: There are no words that rhyme with the  words orange, silver, purple or month. Not all of them together of course, I mean singularly.Just go and try and name something that rhymes with silver. 🙂

[geoff]

dear Neil, my newly formed close alliance, but that's not appropriate, a truly close friend, who has looked after me and supported me in 'every which way but loose', is that the saying.

Neil even with this new format there has been a truly close friendship between all of us, and this is so good that any of us can post a comment knowing that their friends will comment back to them, and when I say 'friends', I mean friends, because we all hold each other up and together so that they can push onto another day while each of us struggle with our own problems.

Everybody's concerns are unique as it affects them only, sure there are similar cases, but their environment is different, and that's what causes them to have this depression, and as I always say depression is the tip of the umbrella as it controls all it's other problems that each one of us has.

Neil your compassion to others has been a trade mark, but under this you are silently suffering, and all of us know how you feel about the loss of your brother and your dad, and how difficult it is to overcome this despair.

I'm sure that your love, admiration and support to the both of them would have been something that anybody would just love to have from someone, and this someone is you, and that's how you respond to others on this site.

Having OCD I wanted to respond to you at my 1600th reply, silly isn't it, but that's how I feel for you.

Take the best care. Geoff.

[Lillybell]

Hi Neil, I've only just seen your post so my apologies for replying so late. All I can say is that I understand how you're feeling, well to a certain extent because I've experienced something similar. I've lost a brother too and a Dad. My brother in 1997 and my Dad in 2008. I've also lost a nephew to a drowning accident and that one just about finished me off. What you said about not feeling you have the right to be happy is something that my nephew's mother struggled with. It has been four years since he died and she still finds it hard to allow herself to be happy. But with each day she returns back to the person that I knew before the accident though the grief is always there. And that is the point. People say time heals all wounds but those we love will never be forgotten and the sadness will always be with us. It will ebb and flow but will always remain. And I can say and I'm sure you would too, that we wouldn't really want it any other way. The two posts you've written show that our emotions are going to ebb and flow as I've said. And that's ok. And it's ok to be happy too. I'm not really sure though why so much emphasis is put on happiness anyway. That might sound strange but it is just another human emotion like any other. This whole pursuit of happiness business is artificial. Our emotions probably change twenty times a day. Can you imagine being happy all the time? It isn't possible. Anyway I'm beginning to ramble so I should stop before I go off on another tangent! I hope your day today brings you peace with whatever comes your way. I'm about to paint my loungeroom, myself. And let me tell you there are sure to be tears! 

[Mares73]

Dear Neil, firstly thanks for arranging my day. I didn't know what to do then I saw your post & as I have only been able to post or reply to posts rarely due to a BB technical problem I can now spend the day writing & worrying & trying to get through to you!!! I'm smiling as I say that & I know it's totally inappropriate so I'm sorry but you know (don't you?) that I adore you so when I saw your name & read your post I was feeling a lot of emotion for you (I don't know the right words),  because it was probably the first time you have opened up in quite some time; especially in such depth & you wrote with such feeling that I could sense the depth of your pain & suffering.  Actually I think you may also have described some of the phases people go through when in grief. And there are many different emotions & ways of coping with grief-guilt being a big one. So in regards to the loss of your Dad & your brother -and particularly the circumstances of your brothers death-you have had to cope with loss, grief, and highly likely Post-traumatic Stress Disorder in regards to the circumstances of your brothers death. Those are massive, highly emotional, devastating events & issues to deal with. On top of living with the illness of depression & anxiety & other events that occur in our lives-you have had to deal with major trauma. And on top of this you have acknowledged and managed an addiction by yourself -now that is an incredible and inspirational achievement. And if we look at the present-you are dealing with all the issues I've mentioned, plus your relationship isn't providing you with much understanding or support, plus your holding down a job and on top of that-you come on this site & provide the most incredible, caring, generous, insightful & inspirational support. I know that you hold your sadness deep inside & there's a balloon of emotions deep down that need to be popped & tears flow and flow like a river. I hope that maybe you are starting to feel some things come closer to the surface-and even though it will hurt Neil, it will also be the beginning of a greatly needed release. I know your hurting & sad & I wish I could help. But all I can do is hope that the tears are about to start to flow & you are on a journey to release that sadness, emptiness & pain. I truly hope this is the start of that release, a journey of letting go of the pain & letting the tears flow. And I hope that the next phase would be about finding who & where Neil is now & what you want & need in your life. You deserve that Neil, you deserve to experience happiness without guilt. You deserve to feel free of guilt. Yes you will always have pain about your Dad, your Brother & a range of other things. But maybe there's a way to learn to live with it, whilst not totally defining who you are or constantly living with guilt. You are such a courageous, inspirational, caring, intelligent & insightful person (and I could of kept going on about your list of qualitities) & you deserve so much in life. I really really truly wish and hope for you that despite living with this dreaded illness, that you also get to release some of that pain that is trapped deep inside, and experience some happiness & enjoyment. You inspire me so much & I know how much you inspire others. Geoff made some great points above. You are a treasure Neil x Lve Mary (Mares73) xxxx (Oh Ps-I'm really glad my computer isn't working properly as it gave me time to think & write msg! I just hope SO MUCH that you finally get this!xxx)

[Neil_1]

Dear all  

Beautiful posts from beautiful people and some real insight and meaningful words written.  Geoff, it is an amazing site … and wow, for you to have been amongst it for 8-9 years, I can’t imagine that.  As you know, I’ve been here and then gone away, and then come back again, then gone away and I think this is my 3rd coming (so to speak) and each time you’ve been here.  We did have the marvellous, the sometimes flamboyant, David Charles for a long time as well, but I know not what has happened to David.  I do hope with all my heart that he is doing ok and just having a well earned break from here.  

Yes, perhaps happiness is over-rated and yes, we can’t be all ‘game-show hosts’ for 100% of our lives … but I think all I want is to blow up some of my ‘balloons of depression’ that I have hanging off me. 

Yes, there’s the deaths of my two dearest mates and I call them mates cause that’s what they were to me … and I guess I do bang on too much about that, but there are so many other issues that hang off me as well, that I guess I haven’t gone into on this site.  

And holy owned and operated Batman, GA spieled out some terminology in her response to me that just blew my mind … for I am but a poor and simple country lad … well, I was till I moved to a city;  but the connotations that GA’s response posed were just out there on a branch of a tree that I just couldn’t imagine climbing out on.  🙂  🙂

And yes it is another day … it’s going to be another hot one … and I am so in the wrong job.  But with the current job climate it’s damn difficult to change.  The people near where I work, just go on and on with some petty 1st world problems just about all day every day and wow, so much more that just irks the crap out of me.  And I have to sit near them and there’s no where else that I can be located.  And I can’t wear ipod to deafen their endless moronic banter, cause I have to have my ears peeled for phone calls that might come to the boss’s phone.  Anyway, speaking of 1st world problems, I think I just raised one anyway.  Having said that, they are one source of my mental health spiralling down.  

Hey Maresy, I’ve so wanted to call you that … and it’s totes a term of endearment.  Did you pick up my mental health being at rock bottom then?   Saying that all-consuming, all-grossing term of teenagers and the like saying the word totally and shortening it.  OHHHHHH how I HATE that.  Why did I use it then?  Because I’m a deeply disturbed individual.  🙂  

But yeah, again I’m blown away with the words that you wonderful people can generate.  I feel embarrassed to be honest in reading some of the descriptions you’ve used towards me.  

Anyway, Chews Day is going along … and I’m sure I’ll be here to harass and annoy those who want harassment and annoyance later on … so yeah, dat’s me for the time being  

Neil

[Lillybell]

Hi Neil, just wanted to say that you can bang on as much as you like about your Dad and brother. They were your mates and it is hard not to have your mates around. Nothing will ever replace them. And yes if depression is clinging onto you extra tight right now, I'm right in there popping those balloons with you.