Daily struggle

[Scarlettsweb]

I think I have depression and I am too scared to talk about it- I don't know why. I never judge anyone in my life with mental illness so why am I judging myself.

i am exhausted all the time. I am constantly tired and my job is customer facing so I always have to be happy and chirpy and I think this is making me more depressed. I use so much energy hiding the true way I feel, I feel like a fraud.

I think im scared because I am 'the life of the party' and I don't want people to think less of me. I'm scared to tell my boss even though I know it's effecting my job. I think he will judge me and not give me a promotion if he knows I'm not mentally strong.

I always push push though it but I amsturggling with the tiredness and lack of motivation. I have no self worth.

everything seems like a struggle. Every day. The smallest tasks.

I just wanted to take this this first step in posting while I build up the courage to get help.

thanks for listening

[White_Rose]

Dear Scarlettsweb

Welcome to Beyond Blue, it's great you have posted here.

I think you would be surprised at how many people can tell the same story as you. We know there is a stigma attached to mental illness and people are scared of this. In this forum there is nothing to be afraid of as no one will harm you. All your symptoms point to depression as far as I can see but I am not a doctor. I think it is important that you make a long appointment to see your GP and get a diagnosis.

Many people who have depression try to hide it by wearing a mask in public and being very bright and cheerful. No one suspects how much you are hiding. But all this takes a great deal of energy which is better used to get well. No one who has your well-being at heart will think less of you. You feel like a fraud because you are hiding your depression. I know that feeling. Keep smiling so no one will know anything.

You cannot keep this up for the rest of your life without falling in a heap at some point. Sorry if that is uncomfortable. Getting help now will save a lot of pain in the future. Sometimes even taking the step towards wellness seems too hard but you have made this step. Well done.

You can post here as often as you like and we will always answer you. So continue chatting but think seriously about making that appointment. If you can write in here you can pick up the phone.

Mary

[lj25025]

Hi!

I wanted to say i think its great you've taken this step, allowing us to show you some support.

I do understand it can be really hard opening up about mental illness at work. I would suggest trying to speak with your doctor first? It might make you feel more comfortable being able to say to your boss that you weren't feeling yourself, saw the foctor and they've told you "xyz"

Im sorry i dont have too much to offer except that you are absolutely not alone and the way you are feeling does not make you any less worthy. Depression doesn't mean you are mentally weak, i believe that living with this shows you are exceptionally strong. That said i know its so hard to feel that way yourself. Sending you support and good thoughts!

[Scarlettsweb]

Hi Mary,

thank you so much for your reply.

it is really nice to have somebody reach out and just say your not alone when you feel very alone. And to also say you know the feeling. It just takes so much energy to kee up the front and your right I feel like I will hit breaking point at some point in the future.

thank you for your response too Lj. Just sending me good thoughts and to show I'm not alone is offering me a lot right now!!

your both right if I can start talking about it I can see a doctor.

Its funny over the last 10 years I have seen a doctor 3 times about it. The first one shrugged it off as teenage years, the second one sent me to a psychiatrist (which I explained I wanted some help and not pills which he tried to give me pills for ADHD which I did not want to take, I wanted other options first) and the last time was about 2 years ago and he said I was happy and not to worry (again I have the mask down pat).

I guess I have had 3 semi bad experiences when I have built up the courage to ask. Well not the type of answer I was looking for.

mighth be time to find the strength to try again.

You probably don't realise how much the responses mean to me but they have really helped me, and your compassion has warmed my heart. To take some time out of your day for a stranger means a lot.

If I can help you too please reach out.

[White_Rose]

Hello Scarlettsweb

If I can help you too please reach out. Be careful what you ask for. 😊 Seriously though, it is amazing how much it helps us to help another. If you would like to browse the other forums please do so. A new person answering means a new point of view and that benefits us all.

Have you posted on this thread in Welcome and Orientation/A question for our new members (and regulars too 😊)/Quercus. I think it would be good to learn a bit about the forum but more importantly to talk about coming to BB. You may also enjoy reading this thread in Treatments, health professionals and therapies/The Strangest, funniest or embarrassing things that have happened in a therapy session.

Well all doctors may be created equal but some are more equal than others. Possibly change your GP to someone who is interested in MH issues, which is probably the best thing. I have found when something is difficult to sat that writing it down beforehand, even in dot points, is helpful to you and the doctor. Sometimes a doctor appears a bit brusque and gives the impression of not being interested. I saw a specialist who scared me no end. Now I put him amongst the most helpful and kind doctors I know.

Let us know how you go with the doctor.

Mary