Cycles of lashing out and immense guilt

[javalava13]

Something I've always struggled with through my life (for a while at least - I'm 24 now) is constant cycles of lashing out at someone or saying something that comes across a bit strong to someone when they do something that upsets me and then feeling incredible guilt and beating myself up so much for it. this repeats (maybe because i hate myself and am so mean to myself so i self-sabotage all my relationships) and i just feel so stuck in this cycle. I know this sounds natural and like i should feel guilty for being mean to anyone (and this is also what i think because it makes me hate myself even more everytime i am remotely mean to anyone) but for some reason i just can't control myself in the moment. I also think the house i live in is with very sensitive people (including myself) so what i consider as a huge lash out is definitely something that others may just consider a comment or point of discussion but because of (probably) a combination of the reaction i get and the criticism of myself to be this 100% perfectly nice, non-conflict person all the time, i beat myself up. 

I didn't actually know which topic to put this post in because I never know which of my actions or behaviours are from my anxiety and which are from my depression (and which may be from undiagnosed/other issues). i have sometimes thought just considering how much of a different person i feel like i am in these two states of mind (lashing out vs guilty) that i could have something like multiple personality disorder. but i just i guess wanted to hear if anyone else has these feelings or if this guilt would actually go away if i was a genuinely nice person and maybe THAT's the actual issue - that i truly am awful to people around me and the guilt is deserved.

i really struggle with this concept of being a good person. i have SUCH a strong inner critic that is constantly hating me (which i know is a very common issue) and i just never know whether to/how much to actually believe this critic because i am genuinely a bad person and how much to go against it. and i know being a good person is probably quite a normal concern for people to have but the amount of hesitation I had to bring this up in case it then made people believe i am a terrible person makes me think i truly am because maybe i'm scared to hear the truth?

[therising]

Hi javalava13

It's definitely hard when we're trying so hard to work our self out and just can't figure out that the heck is going on. The 'different natures' aspect is something I struggled with myself for years before I was led to make some sense of it in a way I could relate to. Wondering if you might be able to relate to the following...

Within us we can have the adventurer that thrives on adding ventures to life, not repeating the same old boring ventures day in and day out. Another facet can involve the wonderer in us, leading us to sometimes sit there wondering for hours on end about any number of things. We can also have the risk taker in us and the seeker of peace, the feeler (that feels/senses so much) and the analyst that picks the life out of everything right down to the finest of detail. Two aspects I always struggled to make sense of were the people pleaser in me and my intolerant sense of self. While the people pleaser in us comes to life typically through conditioning (as we're taught to please, growing up), I've found my intolerant sense of self is more of a natural aspect. There's a lot my intolerant sense of self just won't tolerate. I'll feel what I can't tolerate. A bit like an emotional 'power surge' in a way. Once my intolerant sense of self fully comes to life in the moment, it leads me to be upstanding in a way. Sometimes this means telling it how it is, which can come across as very direct. Once this natural aspect of me helps me in saying my piece, it kind of sits back and then BAMM, the people pleaser in me can return with some pretty upsetting inner dialogue. Can sound a bit like 'You should have been nicer to that person. You should feel horrible about what you said. Go and try to make that person happy again. Please them'. Cue all that guilt when the people pleaser in us returns. 

So, to be in 2 minds can mean having 2 natures playing off each other or battling it out together. Having so many unique facets to us doesn't make us a terrible person, it makes us unique and pretty amazing. Getting to know all these different facets and the abilities each one holds is all a part of the journey in self understanding and self mastery.

[yggdrasil]

Hi javalava13,

Thanks so much for posting on here - I related very, very much to what you have written. I went through something exactly like what you have described. I'd never felt the need to be harsh or critical of others before - it came on me very suddenly. It was also associated with the same spiralling patterns of guilt and self-criticism, and desperate efforts to make things "right" between me and the other person. This anxious need to try and make things "right" often worsened the situation rather than improved it.

A few things greatly helped me. The first was something called "Schema Therapy" (ST) - a mainstream kind of psychological therapy, used on psych wards around the country. In ST these different personality types are called "modes". ST aims to address dysfunctional modes, i.e. patterns of emotions/thoughts/behaviours causing you problems, essentially by first reflecting on the potential origin and original benefits of the different modes, reminding yourself they are no longer appropriate/desired when they occur, and gradually getting better aT identifying the early warning signs and triggers of different "modes".

You can read about ST and other therapies online, but it can also be very valuable to see a psychologist who can help guide you. Do you see a psychologist currently? You can see one bulk billed if you first see you GP. Lots practice schema therapy, and other therapies that you may find more suited. I'm running out of characters but can talk more about the other things that helped later 🙂

[ecomama]

Hey javalava13, is this an apt name? LAVA? 

You actually described the cycle of addiction.
The explosion and then feeling guilty, which gives fuel for the next explosion and on and on it goes like in a mousewheel. 

The "Anonymous" programs describe this cycle really well. 

Do you think you're "addicted to exploding" your rage on others? Not sure if exploding is the best descriptor but pouring it out? 

I truly don't think you're a terrible person lol. Quite the opposite. You are reflecting upon your own behaviours (while "terrible people" blame EVERYONE and ANYTHING else but themselves - IMO of course). 

You're also questioning whether you are a terrible person which terrible people don't do, like ever as above. 

Nah you're a GOODY sunshine lol. 

IN saying that, you don't have to ask all the people around you what their opinion of you is.
You're already feeling quizzical about yourself atm. 
Other peoples' feedback could leave you reeling especially if they're reminiscing over the last argument or conflict. 

I just finished listening to an AMAZING clip on YouTube by Gabor Mate - it's long but you might just benefit from listening to it... It's on the Motivation Thrive channel and the title begins with "Dr Gabor Mate's Life Advice will Change (I'm guessing its your life?)... anyway I saved it, it's THAT good. 

Overall he recommends spending JUST as much time working on our inner stuff (Family Of Origin stuff mainly I think) as we do on other work. But the lessons in this one clip are quite mind blowing to me. Confirming in other ways also. 

At the moment I think you can control yourself, but if it's an addiction then perhaps more work needs to be done. 

Bestest wishes, 
EM