Cross roads

[Breakingpoint]

I am not sure what to say, or how to say it. I can’t be open and talk about what is going on in my life with the one closest to me. I give the barest details but stop. I am emotionally numb. I have been working through a mixture of problems relating to depression and sometimes I go weeks with a nightly broken sleep of about 3 hours. My strategy in dealing with this when it occurs is damaging to my real ship and makes me feel worse and I spiral. I don’t now what to do any more. I have a feeling of immense shame and embarrassment. I know I’m making poor judgements I know I need help of some kind but I don’t know what to do. I say my problems out loud and they seem like attempts at excusing action. The trouble is I think I am handling everything so don’t seek help. Then it overloads. I can’t bring myself to walk into room to tell someone my problems. So I destroy the ones I love. How do break your fear? How do you take that step into something that scares the hell out you?

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Breakingpoint,

You seem to be going through a really tough time. Dealing with your thoughts, feelings and actions by yourself when it continues to seem to be hurtful to you and the people around you is a hard way to cope with everything. When reaching out you could try thinking about the people around you and yourself and how you have the potential for a brighter future.

It is okay if at first it is too difficult to open up to your own partner, it's not the easiest thing to talk about. It's good that you were at least able to try. Do you have any other friends or family that you feel comfortable talking to? Other people you know who are or have been through mental health problems are usually really good at understanding and because they know you, they might be good at recognising what might be best for you in the situation. Coming on here and asking for assistance is a really great step forward too! Calling helplines such as Lifeline 13 11 14 and Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 are also great if you want someone to listen but are not ready for a face to face yet.

Personally, I held on and didn't tell anyone how I was feeling because I thought I could/should be able to handle it myself and I felt very guilty that I was feeling the way I was because I'm somewhat privileged. It felt like holding on was the "stronger" option but in reality, reaching out takes way more courage.

I hope some of this helps,

idek 🙂

[geoff]

Hello Breakingpoint, thanks for coming to the forums.

Talking to someone close to us isn't that easy, we pretend that we are OK, but that's a false belief, that not only fools them but us as well.

I've been in exactly the same position and it doesn't help, so I wrote down what was concerning me on a piece of paper, then I could just hand this over to my doctor, that made it much easier when the doctor asked me 'how can I help you'.

I'm about to log off as I start very early in the morning and hope to hear back from you.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Breakingpoint]

Thanks Geoff, I’ve tried many times. I will try anything

[Breakingpoint]

Thank you, I can’t express how I feel, I have this image of going into a psych and not saying a word for 40 minutes as we both sit in silence. I don’t know if it’s ego, or a warped sense of self that stops me from being able to seek the help I know I need. I’m a professional, I’ve worked in first responder roles for years. I can make clinical decisions in a snap. But ask me to plan my taxes, deal with planning something social. I can’t. 8 seem to be unable to to anything but my job. I can’t open up and admit 5hat 8 am a failure, even more so to my spouse who I have hur5 beyond words by my actions. I feel l8ke I don’t deserve anything. That all I am doing is sucking people into my world and drain g them. I don’t see anything worthwh8le in the man in the mirror. For the first time I can no longer meet my own gaze

[smallwolf]

Hi Breakingpoint,

welcome to beyond blue. You don't need to know my story, but I would say to my psychologist about my issues being 1st world problems. At the same time, I tick all the boxes for cognitive distortions, and have suicidal thoughts. So whatever the issues are that you, they brought you here, and you were able to write a post describing parts of your story, showing great courage. Your vulnerability to share here, shows you recognise there are some issues to address, and have also identified consequences of your current behaviour. But if you are in this state where negative thoughts overrule everything else, it can be normal (?) to do as you do.

Geoff suggested writing - this is something I have done. I still write notes for myself for each visit to my psychologist or psychiatrist so that I can stay of track, and make sure I cover everything I might see as important.

While you might not be able to speak with those closest to you, what about your GP? Or perhaps a counsellor? (I am aware that many people have problems about speaking their issues to anyone. Yet for me, my psychologist, a friend who is a stranger, who listens to whatever I say, who accepts me as I am, not judgemental, and supportive.)

Fwiw, my triggers were email, notifications, me thinking the worst case scenario, hopelessnss etc. It became a viscous circle. A circuit breaker was needed. Allow me to listen to you, and having gained the strength to write here, you might the able to get the (professional) help you are looking for?

Peace,

Tim

[Breakingpoint]

I know I need it, but right now, i am struggling to voice my issues. I see everyone’s post and asking for help and I look at my own problems and wonder if I’m just full of self pity. It’s a crappy feeling all round. I’m at fault for what’s going on in my life, by failing to action and remedy it. am I making excuses? Are my issues valid? At night it’s just despair. Daylight makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

[smallwolf]

Hi Breakingpoint,

the thoughts you expressed in the last post are the same as those I have had at different times - there were/are times when I think I think I don't need to see a psychologist and other times I am thankful. A person who used to be on the forum said in my thread (and I figure her story was far worse than mine) said that it does not matter what takes you to the depressive state, the fact that you are are feeling crappy and cannot get rid of that feeling, means that you are worthy of support.

Perhaps if you heard my tale you would think he "should" not need help, but I did. Your issues would be just as valid as mine or anyone else. Perhaps you could here about some of the things that are concerning you?

Tim