'Coping' not living

[Bluebird1]

Hi, my first post here... I have been living with depression for as long as I remember, but only realised and had treatment since I was about 30. But the treatment feels like a smoke screen, not even sure if it works as I still have desperately low times. I have learnt to cope with life, but not live my life. I sweep thoughts under the carpet. Try not to look back or forward but just cope day by day...yes I get out of bed and go to work, paint that smile on my face and do everything I can to make others happy. But as I sit here writing this the tears just won't stop. I feel so alone. I moved to Australia 2yrs ago, trying for yet another 'FRESH START' but I now realise there is no such thing as I can't run away from myself. I am 46 in a few weeks and have worked hard all my life but have achieved nothing. I know I'm having a low and the light will come back, but that doesn't help now....

[White_Rose]

Dear Bluebird

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Well you have achieved one thing, posting on BB. It takes great courage and determination to do this. So congratulations and an even warmer welcome.

Where did you live before coming to Australia? I used to live in the UK and arrived here a ten pound Pom, 45 years ago. I was homesick for many years until my first trip 'home' after 16 years. I returned a committed Aussie.

A fresh start is what we all want when we are living with depression. But as we have all discovered, there's no such thing. We have to battle on. So there is something else you have achieved. The realisation that depression does not just go away. That probably sounds flippant but I mean it in the best way. All these 'light bulb moments' are part of the recovery/management/living-life steps on your journey.

Are you still receiving professional help with your depression? If not may I suggest you take up this option again? Can you access medical assistance? Not knowing your background I am unsure if you can use Medicare without paying. However I think it would be helpful if you booked an appointment with your GP to discuss your depression. The GP can tell you of the various options available to help you.

I see you wonder if counselling has actually helped you. Have you been prescribed medication in the past? Meds, counselling, self help courses, healthy lifestyle are all parts of the recovery process but everyone's needs are different and no one necessarily needs all of these parts. When you are feeling as bad as you describe I urge you to investigate, with your GP, some of these options.

Search this web site for information on depression. Start on the home page and click on Learn About Depression. Have a good look round. From any page click on the tab Get Support at the top of the page, then go to Find a Professional. This will take you to the  National Health Professional Directories and you can find a GP, or other professional, in your area. I do suggest you start with a GP if you do not already have regular contact with a GP.

Immediate support services are:

Beyond Blue 24/7 phone helpline 1300 22 4636 or the Chat online between 3:00- midnight. See top, right hand corner for the link.

Lifeline. phone help 24/7, 13 11 14

The Black Dog Institute http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/index.cfm

Please write in again and ask any questions you wish. We are here to help and support you.

Mary

[Guest_1055]

Hello bluebird

I am so sorry you feel alone, if I could physically be where you are at the moment, I would give you a physical hug. Hoping that would bring you some comfort.

I have tried to paint smiles on my face too, but I have come to realise it is not being true to yourself, and I used to feel plastic and false, like I was telling a lie in my smile. I believe there is a time to smile and a time to weep. Perhaps it really is your time to just weep. I have cried and cried too, I find it exhausting, but I think something is released a little bit. 

For a long time, I thought running away was a good option too. In fact whenever I felt I could not cope anymore, and it was all too much, I would hop in my car and drive and drive, trying to flee from whatever was hurting me so much. But I eventually  I found out, like you, that what I was trying to flee from was within me.

Somebody keeps telling me this, so I am passing it on to you.

              "You are not alone, even though it feels like it."

With many hugs to you bluebird

Shelley anne xxx

[Bluebird1]

Many thanks for your reply, I am from the UK too. I do have medicare and I do have a GP, I have just been for repeat meds so far. Not really discussed how I feel as I hate going to Drs and find it really hard to open up, even to myself. I have never had councilling, I did try self help but I don't have the motivation. I will take your advice and have a look at the links you suggest and try to pluck up the courage to go to my GP

[geoff]

dear Bluebird, thanks for deciding to post your comment, but I don't think I could ever say any more than what Mary has said to you, because its very informative.

When we get depression the door actually opens up to so many residuals if I can call it that, in other words it pulls us through difficult times starting with denial and ending up with having relapses.

Even when we overcome our own depression it may have caused many friends or family members to still be affected and so their own journey begins, but as much as we would never want this it's still possible.

The biggest trait in depression is that we are all capable of putting on a fake face, a pretend smile, which can make out that all is well, but deep down if only they knew.

The smoke screen will follow us around, but at many times it's a fog where we can't see where we are going, and unable to see anything in front of us, that's depression.

Once we believe that we have overcome our depression, just like I feel, but we have this imaginary shadow that stays with us, keeping an eye on us, and will pounce on us if we begin to show a slight crack, and even the strongest person is not able to avoid the consequences.

I still have relapses, I can't deny this, but I know that within a few days or so I will get over it, but it's not easy, it's hard work, no different than trying to cope with the depression that we once had.

All those past thoughts that I had when in depression and couldn't solve, I never try to think of them again, because as soon as I do then bingo, back into depression.

I couldn't solve them before and there's no point trying to do it now, so are what I use my smoke screen for, to block out of my mind. Geoff.

[Only_the_lonely]

Hello and thank you for your post and the courage of posting it online here. Mate, I understand you are going through a tough time and if you look around you, its easy to find many men who are alone as they grow older.  Take each day as it comes. Take more interest in your hobbies and join on-line forums based on your hobbies.  One thing we forget to learn in life, or its usually overlooked is when you are an adult, you have a sole responsibility to keep yourself happy,  We can chose to be happy by always reassuring ourselves that we don't live in a war torn country where going to the local corner shop can get you killed, or no hope of getting a job and just living in poverty, whatever the reason, thank each day that you are alive and still being able to do things yourself.  Go for a walk, chat to neighbours, admire the weather, and program your mind to think positive and seek professional help if you cannot cope. 

I understand its not easy going to doctors and pouring your heart out.  Many men cannot do that and that's the way society has always projected...men to be tough as nails and be able to handle whatever is thrown at them.  You are no super hero so don't be too hard on yourself.

Another alternative is to keep in touch with friends and relatives if possible, the more you surround yourself with people who support you, the more "rich and valued" you will feel inside, and I am not talking money rich as the good feeling inside is worth more than just being rich.

I usually work from home, and I feel isolated from society but I have learnt to overcome loneliness by keeping myself busy, reading, or tweaking in the garage, or maintaining the garden / lawns daily and its physical as well.

Please remember, your are not alone, and you have a lot of things you can be positive about, chatting to people and connecting is very important for us humans.  Try to think positive most times as you are still alive and you have the power to program your brain and take action and keep going. 

Please develop the courage to chat to others, even in a shopping centre,  maybe compliment someone about their car just to start a conversation, it will make your day more interesting as compliments are considered "old school" and its not done too often these days.  I usually compliment women and men on things I like and walk away so I don't appear to be a weirdo!  

I wish you all the best and hope you enjoy this day.

[White_Rose]

Dear Bluebird

Thanks for your reply. It is hard to open up about ourselves, especially when we are unused to this sort of thing. After all, we are English (smile).

I have made this suggestion several times to people and you may find it helpful. Before you go to your doctor make a list of the different emotions you feel, how long they have been happening, how you paint your smiley face on in the morning etc. And any other aspect of your life you believe may contribute to these feelings. Doesn't matter if they apply or not. What matters is that you start talking. As you become more comfortable you will gradually focus on what the main problem is. This is the rationale for seeing a counsellor or similar person.

Perhaps you could start by copying and pasting your original post and then continuing your list from there. Then if you feel weepy or shy about telling your GP you can give him/her the list to read. The GP can then take over the conversation and help you to express yourself. One thing that puzzles me. How come your GP has just given you prescriptions for meds without discussing why you need them. It seems very odd to me.

I totally get the low times. I have been going through this for the past three months and it's dreadful. One of the things that helps me is writing to others on this forum. Sometimes I feel that I am talking to myself when I write replies. There are many roads that lead here and they are all yucky. The trick is to learn how to change direction and stroll along roads with better views.

If you are happy to tell us, I would love to know more about you. Do you have any pets? They can be such a heart lifter when we feel miserable and at least you can talk to your dog and know he/she won't answer back. What sort of work do you do? I was a public servant until I retired.

I look forward to your reply. Please try the GP. No one enjoys going to the doctors, but I have found they are generally very approachable and even have a sense of humour, except that these days they need to be so very careful what and how they say things.

Warm hugs

Mary