Communicating effectively with person that is depressed

[LifetimeDreamer]

Hello,

I would very much appreciate your advice. My partner is currently going through grief, especially the depression phase of the grief cycle. That is obviously more periodic depression rather than clinical, however I assume that the symptoms and pains he experiences are very similar. I would like to understand better how I best communicate with him without causing him pressure and stress or accidental hurt. I am generally there for him and just let him know that he can always turn to me if he wishes to. But as we are manoevering how this is affecting the progress of our relationship, I have also shared my feelings and needs with him. I have done that in an email because he currently feels particularly comfortable when we write to each other. That way, we can both take the time to think through our response and what we think and feel. I am happy with that, so I wrote him an email telling him how I felt a little sad but how I also understand that some of the decisions we have recently had to make are the wisest thing to do right now even if not easy. I also told him that for now, I can live with the new arrangements we have put in place for us (i.e. taking it very slowly and curbing some of our previously made plans) but that I would also need to have those arrangements be temporary only. Basically, I said, I am ok with the distance and undefined nature while he focuses on rebuilding his foundation but that I would not be able to do that forever because I would need to see that we are slowly but steadily moving forward together. Are those sorts of things ok to say or are they counter-productive in his current state? He is currently starting to embrace the requirements to have more social interaction again and actively do things to avoid getting stuck in the depressive phase. I think that is great and I have given him positive feedback and encouragement because I think that is an excellent move. So I do not want to impact him negatively but I also feel I need to be honest and share my own feelings so we are communicating well and transparently. I am cautious and benevolent in my approach and I told him there is no need for him to hurry anything or feel pressure. I just felt it was important that he knows there will come a time for me when I cannot continue this way. I do not want to keep that from him and then, if it eventuates, hit him out of the blue. I would rather avoid it altogether by building awareness and therefore countermeasures together.

[Croix]

Dear LifetimeDreamer~

I've read the background to this and understand your feelings that things do have to progress. it is only fair to you. Given the length of time it has taken your partner to sever emotional connections with his previos life your worry this can become an open-ended situation is very reasonable.

Even granted this, there is the problem of how much you should disclose of this feeling to him at the moment. There is of curse the risk of putting on pressure and undoing possible building confidence, while at the same time there might be the feeling that he needs to know he has to improve in a reasonable time.

Have I grasped the situation fairly, or so you think I've missed a point? Please sing out if I have.

I'm afraid I do not have a cut and dried answer. All I can do is point to my own experiences with depression, however I'm not the same person as your partner and my loss was one of vocation, not marriage.

When at my worst I could actually see very little, wanted to be alone as I could not cope with interacting with others, was so divorced from myself so I'd no idea how I felt about anything, and generally was consumed by guilt, inadequacy and hopelessness.

Under those circumstances, while I knew I was impossible to get on with - and felt remorse about my treatment of my partner - there was little I could do to remedy the situation. I was controlled by the illness and my reactions were anger or shame.

For me, under those circumstances being told I needed to improve would not have worked, in fact it would simply make me feel more guilty, more pressure.

This of course is only one personal reaction. Maybe it is up to your judgment if your partner is at this stage or in some other state. I can't remember you mentioning that he has had therapy and counseling over grief, loss and depression. If he has not may I suggest the most productive thing might be for you to persuade him to see his GP in an extended consultation and describe waht has been happening to him and how he feels.

May I ask about you? This is a very stressful and worrying time. Are you having to face this all alone or do you have family or freinds to give you care and support.

Croix