cheated on by fiancee

[Confusedaboutlife]

Christmas eve, last year, i heard my fiancee taking photos in the bathroom after her shower. After i confronted her about about it, she lied to me saying it was just of her face. I immediately started to freak out as prior to this she had put a lock on her phone, something she had never done in the whole 9 years of being together. After questioning her further she reluctantly told me she had been sending explicit photos to someone she met online.

I spent the next couple of weeks in an emotional instability. The world continued on without me, as i spent every night crying and staring into the dark, wondering why.

I made her block the person on all social media and thought that would be the end of it. She told me she would never speak to him again. She lied. Later that week I noticed she unblocked him. After further questioning she told me it was more than just photos between them. For about a month she had been having a relationship with him. She told me she only unblocked him to tell him that i found out about what they were doing.

The images of what they had done poisoned my mind and haunt me still to this day. I asked her to tell me what they did and said specifically as it couldn't have been worse than what i was imagining.

It was.

She told this person shes never met that she loved him and that that when their relationships broke down they would finally be together.

It turns out he also had a partner on which he was cheating on. I didn't think it fair for his girlfriend to go on not knowing so I told her of his betrayal. She didn't want to believe me until I provided evidence. I had none and told her to question him about it. His response was evidence enough for her.

Now since finding out the whole truth about what my fiancee had done, I'm frightened ill never feel the same again. I've thought about it everyday since and sometimes the depression hits me so hard i just brake down wherever i am. I feel so alone in my own relationship its hard to keep a healthy facade in public.

I don't want to leave the relationship, neither does she. She tells me she never stopped loving me and that she doesn't know why she did it. I want to work on things with her.

I just need to know, can couples have a healthy, lasting relationship after something like this and will my depression ever disappear?

[Nahmate830]

Hi Confused,

have you spoken to any professionals about this? have you had prior instances of depression in your life?

It sounds a lot like you are, most deservedly, grieving over what has happened.

I would hope that you and your partner have sought couples counseling to work towards restoring trust in your relationship.

I hope that you can work things out and save your relationship, for that to happen though you are going to have to accept what has happened and be able to move on, something that no matter what your partner does from today forward is up to you.

best of luck

Nahmate

[Quercus]

Hi Confused and welcome to the forums,

What a horrible situation. No wonder you're struggling. Do you have anyone apart from your partner who you can confide in offline as well as here?

If your partner is serious it would be a good idea to seek out couples therapy. She said she doesn't know why she did this... Perhaps therapy will help her to understand why so she doesn't do it again.

Will the depression ease? I have no idea. Everyone is different and it is solely up to you whether you feel able to trust her again. Personally I would not be able to but that is just me and what I think doesn't matter. What YOU feel does.

I hope you are able to find support from friends and family and your medical team. It is understandable that this has shaken you so badly.

Nat

[Confusedaboutlife]

I thought it better to not tell anyone about the situation. She is very close with my family and it would just destroy them if they were to find out about what she's done.

depression is not new to me, but has never affected me this much before. I work a lot by myself, so I don’t have many distractions before my emotions take over.

I try to keep my struggles to myself and away from her as much as possible. The one person who I would normally confide in is the one person who has caused me the most pain.

Its like a bad dream I can never wake from.

[Quercus]

Hi Confused and thanks for coming back to post.

You're a kinder person than me. My gut says you keeping her secrets and protecting is stopping you from recieving help and support from your family.

People will be angry (rightly so) but this isn't a bad thing. She has lost your trust and in my mind anyway having people who love you looking out for your best interests is a positive.

I know family for whatever reason have chosen to try again and most people look to the family member for guidance of what they want and try respect that. Yes she will have to build relationships again and re earn trust but isn't that fair?The reality is she has hurt you.

This is one view and it's fine if you feel differently. I am just worried about you dealing with this alone when you don't have to be.

Nat

[Confusedaboutlife]

It has been really hard to go through this alone. Everyday is a struggle. My thoughts get stored up and I lose myself to a flood depression.

When it happened, I didn’t yell or argue with her but now the longer I think about it, I wish I had. Thinking about what she did, the anger builds up inside of me but talking with people here has been a great help for me.

[geoff]

Hello Confusedaboutlife, and thanks for having the courage to post your comment.

I have to say how sorry I feel for you to what's happened, especially as she has lied to you and how many times this has occurred you don't actually know.

Online cheating is still being unfaithful and you can't be sure whether or not it's going to continue, now or in the future by your fiancee and from experience, it will continue one way or another.

An online relationship is being dishonest, especially if explicit photos are exchanged and whether she has purchased another phone and is continuing to do this will cause a disruption to your engagement.

Will your depression disappear and can you have a healthy lasting relationship, well to be honest, your depression can be overcome with the necessary help and with your relationship it involves secrecy and lies that have the potential to destroy the trust that's necessary to hold it together.

I hope you can get back to us and if I have mentioned anything that does upset you, my utmost apologies.

Geoff.

[Confusedaboutlife]

As time has past so has most of my anger and sadness.

I hope with even more time we can be better than we were before.

thankyou for helping me through this. It’s been a big help