Broken & no one to turn too.

[broken___down]

I'll start by saying I've been on various medications since '96, seen several psychologists & haven't made much headway in the grand scheme of things.
Life's been a battle most of the time, however this is a new low I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Two weeks ago my girlfriend of five years informed me the relationship was over. This came completely out of the blue. Sure, we'd had a bit of a hard time lately, like most couples but I had no idea things were this bad. Personally I think the reason given for ending it is bullshit but there's no point in pushing for a truth, as it won't happen.
Not the first long term relationship I've been through, married & divorced twice so I know the drill.
Now have to deal with finding a place to live which is always fun.
Thing is, I don't have a friend in the world to lean on, never have! Goes back to the way I was raised, the Oldman always said "Trust no one, keep your thoughts & feelings to yourself, they'll only be used against you!" Of course I discovered after his death 25yrs ago he didn't practice what he preached!
Yeah, great advice I know now but in my formative years this is what I believed.
Mum's still alive but at 85, I don't like bothering her with all this crap. Sure we talk about what's happening but not the details of how it's affecting me really.
At the moment I'm feeling so alone & wondering what's next to go belly up!
Job loss, won't find a place to live that accepts pets -have three cats- these are the things that have manifested themselves into huge issues.
Employed as a casual for ten months on a 38hr week, I feel the hammer is poised above me, about to drop. There's no real reason for this, just how my mind is spinning at present.
It's at a point where I'm not sleeping, eating, I'm feeling sick & dry reaching, crying, just a shitful mess & honestly, I hate myself.
Not sure what I hope to achieve from posting?
Ideas on how to deal with things, sympathetic ear, scorn, I really don't know?
I'd head off to another psych but I'm not sure how things are going to pan out financially in a place on my own, so trying to keep a little aside & of the four I've seen previously, only one was of any help I feel. That was twelve years ago & I have no idea if he's still practicing.
So, laid bare for all the world to see.
To talk about, laugh at, poke fun at, as it's always been.

[broken___down]

Hi JessF, thanks for your words.
It's not a matter of her fixing or not fixing my problems, it's more to do with not giving her more to worry about.
I phone her two or three times a week & we do talk about my employment, or lack thereof at the moment but not about the struggles I have with depression.
If I was to unload on her with how I feel most of the time, thoughts of taking the big step & not seeing much of a future, it would tear her apart & that's something I'm not prepared to do. At her age she doesn't need to be burdened with all of my shit.
Unfortunately, getting over for a visit isn't on the cards anytime soon. I'd have to board the cats, as there's really no-one to come in & feed them. I'm also very sceptical of people looking after pets.
Plenty of horror stories of pets getting out when a door or window's been left ajar & if that was to happen, Christ knows how I'd react. It wouldn't be good.
Feels like one step forward, two steps back? Through out my life every time I've looked like getting ahead, there's been something laying in wait to knock me back.
These days, I just stumble from day to day, wondering what & when something will hit.
As I said, I'm tired, over fighting battles that I just can't seem to win.