BPD feeling like a monster

[Problematic2008]

HI,

I was diagnosed with bpd in 2014.Since then I have been in denial about it and the impact it has on me. There's so many symptoms in the criteria that I felt like anyone could fit into that. I now understand that others may fall into the same symptoms but it may not affect their lives and how they function, like it does me.

All in all, researching this and seeing how I may be perceived by doctors and family and friends makes me feeling so alone and evil. I feel like people think I'm some crazy, psychopath/ sociopath. I honestly feel like a monster. And that people are just being fake polite to me. I don't know what to do.

[geoff]

hello Problematic, you're not crazy, psychopath or sociopath, you have an illness and you can't blame yourself for being diagnosed with BPD, however, I will leave this to those who also have BPD who maybe better to help you, but could once again join in later on. Geoff.

[Debzmites]

Oh I totally understand how you feel. I was diagnosed last year and it hit me hard. I still don't tell people about it, I don't even want to tell my Dad, only my friends from hospital.

Youre not crazy or a sociopath. Look at it this way, a diagnosis is just a label and look at each symptom and concentrate on one at a time. Having a therapist is really helpful too.

[_KR_]

I understand what you are saying.

My daughter who has BPD when she first told me about the voices in her head she said "I'm evil, you don't realise how evil I am" then bust out crying.

It's been a hard road but I don't think at all that she is a monster. I feel so sad that my daughter thinks she is evil.

BPD sucks 😞

[Problematic2008]

Thank you. I just feel like the world does not tolerate me and that everyone unfortunately knows about this and is just nice in order for me to not top myself. Yes I see a psychiatrist and have for on off for along time. It's just such a big diagnosis to digest. I admit I understood the first few symptoms but not the "disassociation" etc. which I will go and educate myself on. Does anyone know how to be a nice person? I've made so many mistakes and they are unforgivable and I feel so unlovable. I don't have a great deal to offer, I obsessed about the unimportant things and now it's just left me a monster. I don't want to be like this, I want control and to be a good, healthy woman who contributes to society. Thank you all for your replies, I hope

[Jimny]

BPD is a big diagnosis to digest but there are evidence based treatments available. The general medical community does not understand how to properly address the illness. I do not have BPD myself, but was in a very long and close relationship with someone who suffered from BPD.

You may have found them or not, but I highly highly recommend finding a good therapist who is familiar with either DBT or MBT (mentalization based therapy), the former particularly has a proven track record for treatment. In my experienced, my BPD sufferer, would react poorly to most conventional interventions.

Are there any DBT group session available in your area?

I really wish you all the best, your suffering is real but can be treated.

[james1]

Hey problematic

I have BPD and I know what you mean by feeling unlovable and just wrong.

The important thing to remember is that thoughts and feelings, while they are valid and painful, often lie to us. We feel unlovable not because nobody loves us, but because we can't love ourselves. It is not even a concept that makes sense.

Therapy is difficult and I wonder if your current psychiatrist is able to give you everything you need. You said it's been on and off which is the bit which surprises me. Usually BPD therapies are quite regular. Does your psychiatrist know the extent to which you are suffering?

For a while, I actually had a psychiatrist for medication and a psychologist for psychotherapy. I found having regular sessions a lot better because it gave me comfort that, even though I didn't care about myself, someone else maybe possibly did. I'm still working on that part, but at least I no longer outright reject care. I just question it constantly.

James

[Moniker]

Hi problematic,

I 100% thought I was a monster before I was diagnosed. I was just done with life, felt like I never knew who I was going to be or what part of me was going to come out, could not trust myself at all, and that everyone would be better off without me.

I think I am lucky, though, in that I know many more people who think mental-illness stigma is stupid than I know people who have the stigma. So, let me be very clear, the stigma is stupid. As has been pointed on this post, it is an illness like any other. Just like to would be ridiculous to blame an asthmatic for having an asthma attack, it would be ridiculous to blame a person with BPD for exhibiting it. You are not a monster, just as I am not, even though I feel like it sometimes, we have an illness that makes us think we are monsters.

In terms of being a nice person, it’s a work in progress for me, but, I will say that having the desire to be a nice person and contribute towards society sounds like a good person to me. I struggle with people who have no self-reflection or consideration of how their actions might affect others. I have all the time in the world for those who care and are trying their best, regardless of how successful they are, and that sounds like you.

You are not your BPD, you are a person who has worth and value, even when you can’t see it.

[Boxer123]

Without trying to come off too Christiany or anything, forgiving yourself for your perceived transgressions is key. A lot of times we over-analyse our own behaviour and beat ourselves up about it.

Often we hold ourselves up to a higher standard than the rest of general society and become disgusted with ourselves when we can't meet this perceived standard. But also understand, it's a trick of the mind.

Keep your chin up, son.