Blaming others for depression

[Lookingforpeace]

Hi all

I'm really down at the moment and feeling like I've hit rock bottom.

Just last week, I was completely fine. Chirpy if anything, and motivated, positive, grateful.

But Ive just had some personal issues arise in my relationship, and back down I go. Which got me thinking, could it be that my relationships or certain toxic people I surround myself with are the cause of my depression? Now that I've had the thought - I am thinking back to the last 7 years in which I've had depression on and off, and the common theme seems to be that there is a certain person on the other side who is causing it in some way.

Despite the subject line of this post, I don't mean to be blaming others and in fact I don't want to. However I'm just wondering whether maybe those others really are the cause of my depression.

[JessF]

It is possible to attract certain people into your life that trigger you. What patterns do you notice in these relationships?

[Lookingforpeace]

Hi JessF

I think I certainly used to attract a certain kind of person- usually ones who reflected the flaws in my mum with whom I had a poor relationship (very toxic) and I guess part of me thought that if I could make it work with them, it would somehow make up for my failed relationship with her.

However I noticed that pattern and don't engage it anymore. My existing relationship is nothing like this relationships, but comes with its own set of issues.

I am however a very understanding and patient person, so perhaps these people know that and exploit it? Could this be a trigger...

[Neil_1]

Hi there lfp

I had someone in my life a while back who was supposedly a mate and for some of the time, we would get on; but he was an aggravator and would pretty much pick up anything that I did wrong and just throw it back at me. Now I don’t think this necessarily caused my depression, but it sure as hell helped fuel it.

When you have low self esteem and are filled with anxiety anyway, you don’t need someone who kind of stirs the pot.

So perhaps these people aren’t the cause of your depression, but they sure don’t help the situation.

Having said this of course, it’d be interesting to remove yourself from these toxic people; personally I do remove myself from anyone who I feel is not a good match for me (toxic) cause otherwise it just is not a good thing for me to have these people close by.

But yes, if you can possibly get these people out of your life, the experiment then will be to see how you are in 2 weeks, 2 months, 6 months time, etc. Having said that, if one of these people is a person that you are emotionally attached to, then this could be much harder to do.

Like the old saying, it’s easier said than done.

Neil

[JessF]

Lookingforpeace said:

I am however a very understanding and patient person, so perhaps these people know that and exploit it? Could this be a trigger...

When you say understanding and patient, do you mean that you find yourself putting up with behaviour, comments etc that you really don't feel you should have to? That you hold yourself back from openly communicating that the actions of that person have hurt, annoyed or upset you?

I have done this in the past, and have found myself triggered by a mix of people: those who realise that I'm a bit of a doormat, and those who genuinely don't know how upset I am because I haven't communicated it to them. I tell myself it's because I'm understanding and patient, but underneath there's a good dose of terror at confrontation and losing the relationship. So I make peace all the time. Does this sound familiar to you at all?

[Lookingforpeace]

Thanks Neil. Yes unfortunately the key person is my partner, so it makes it hard to remove him from my life. I'm wondering how to put up emotional boundaries so that his behaviour doesn't affect my depression, as I think you're right about it "fuelling" it

Jess interesting observation. I don't hold back in my communication but you're spot on in terms of the putting up with behaviour I shouldn't bit. What I was getting as was that I go quite easy on people for their mistakes, even if the behaviour is unacceptable, as I feel that we all make mistakes and so I guess I let them "get away with it". I'm patient in the sense that if someone says they will change their behaviour or try harder, I give plenty of time and chances for them to do this.

[Neil_1]

Hi there lfp

Now this is getting to be an interesting or tricky situation, from what I’m reading.

I can see that you’re one of these lovely people who will take people in and be a genuine caring friend and as you said, ‘putting up with behaviour’. And how you say you give people plenty of time to change or try harder … but I’m feeling that this could be to the detriment of your own inner self/inner health.

I guess it’s a question of how much this affects you and if you feel that this is a major cause for your issues?

The other side of the situation is not overly good, with it being your partner being the key person. I’m guessing that you’ve spoken to him about this?

I’m guessing (again) that he knows the situation you’re in and how it affects you? Well, having said that, I hope that he does, and if he’s not aware, then I think it could be time that he’s made aware. However, if he is aware, perhaps it might be a good time to sit down and really put the cards down on the table about how all of this is affecting you.

Remember, this is YOUR life and that’s the most important issue here.

Neil