Bipolar rollercoaster

[Bluemotho419]

Hi all
I'm new here and not really sure how this goes or where to start but there's so much to get off my chest so here goes firstly I'm 27yo single mother was diagnosed with depression then later on bipolar and BPD last year after having a very public episode and being hospitalized I ended up moving back to my parents along with my kids to get ontop but I find it really gets me down im such a burden and such a failure to my parents and my kids and this rollercoaster just never stops I go when I was younger I did drugs since having my kids I just smoke heavily and gamble ohhhh I gamble so badly it's getting out of control round and round this rollercoaster everytime I work so hard to get ahead I always stuff it up and end up right back where U started I feel so alone and so depressed I just don't see a future and I eff everything up every chance I have I blow it and I hate myself so much for being this way I hate that I can't just get over it and do better I love my kids so much and there the only reason I'm still going but then at the same time I feel like I'm such an absent mother and a terrible roll modle sometimes I really feel like everyone would be better off without me I don't need any sympathy im just venting really wondering if there is anyone else like me because I feel like an alien 😔

[Sophie_M]

Dear Bluemotho419,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we're worried about you. 
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 

[james1]

Hello Bluemotho419,

It is really nice to meet you here, and I'm glad you've come to talk to us.

It really sounds like you are struggling a lot with so much right now. I'm 28 and 4 years ago was also hospitalised while under going therapy for depression then BPD then back to depression. It was quite confusing, and I felt like I lost a lot of my sense of self, and I really felt so different to everyone else.

From what you've mentioned, I think you've done a brave and good thing by moving back in with your parents. I don't see it as a failure or burden at all - instead, it sounds like you are struggling to manage everything on your own and moving back in with your parents is the right thing to do by you and your kids. So good on you!

I hope you find venting here useful. I know I sometimes really need to 'blow some steam' just to get my head at least partly back in line. Let us know if you want to keep talking here. I'd love to speak to you some more if you feel like it's helpful.

James

[Bluemotho419]

Thanks so much James I really appreciate that so much I think you hit the nail on the head I definitely feel iv lost all sence of self I have no idea who I am or what I want and most days I can't keep up with my mood swings but I fall into bad habits for temporary relief then feel even worse after woods it's just this endless up and down round and round and I just feel like I don't even know where to start fixing everything I start doing small things then just fall right back feels so endless and hopeless you know

[james1]

Hello Bluemotho419,

Thank you for responding to me.

I totally understand that feeling of being in an endless up and down round and round, and it can feel so defeating when you start doing little things to get back on track but then you hit another set back.

One of the hardest things for me when I was going through my own merry go round was learning how to let go of certain standards or obligations I held myself to. But I also think it was one of the most important things for me, because once I started to let go of expectations and standards, I felt it was much easier to just take things as they came and not feel as much pressure.

I'm hearing that you're also feeling like there's lots of things falling down and you're trying to just do a better job of everything - be a better mother, not be a failure to your parents, gamble less (I gambled away literally all my savings at one point too!), be less lonely - but it's really hard to do everything all at once. Even people without significant mental health issues struggle to be a better parent or to get out more.

So perhaps it might be a matter of mentally letting go of some things, since you can't really do them all at once. Just because you still feel lonely, doesn't mean you haven't done anything and haven't grown as a person. Ditto with gambling. All it means is that your mental energy has been taken up trying to keep some other things afloat.

James