Beyond Miserable

[RecklessAbandon]

Hi everyone. I think I’m just looking for any kind of advice right now…


I don’t know how to get through to my partner. We are both 30 and have been together for 10 years. I have been miserable for the last 2 years in our relationship due to the lack of effort he puts in and have had countless conversations over time with him about it. He is lazy, messy and lacks any kind of goals or ambition. I do everything for him all. the. time! If I don’t do things they just don’t get done. It’s very frustrating being with him. It never used to be like this. He is always laying around on the couch watching pointless YouTube videos, on his phone or online gaming with his mates on his computer. He does work long hours through the week so I get he enjoys those things to unwind but it’s gotten to the point where he ignores me and our 8 year old for hours when he is home. We live in a small town and I have hardly any friends and zero family here. I do struggle with depression which is only getting worse because of my situation. I’m also very introverted and most of the time only want to spend time with him and our daughter. I feel like now I’m even lonely in his presence. The way he is has just made my love for him really deteriorate. I miss how things used to be. We were crazy about each other and loved spending time together. He claims he loves me more than ever but I feel like he’s a bit in denial with how bad we really have become. It’s not until I’m in tears begging for his time and attention that he puts effort in (for a few days mind you) then once he thinks I’m okay he will just revert back to his lazy self. I find myself more frequently of an evening just putting my daughter to bed and going into my bedroom and crying in the dark. I don’t even remember when I felt genuinely happy. What do I do guys? I haven’t told anyone close to me about how crap our relationship is or how sad I am because I don’t want anyone to know or more so worry about me. I’m reaching out for the first time ever because I just spent over an hour in the shower crying because I’m just so lonely. He has no clue as he’s too into his Netflix show.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Reckless Abandon
 
Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. We hope that you find ideas, options and support from the shared experiences and knowledge of all our members.
 
It sounds like you are feeling very lonely right now despite your efforts to reclaim your relationship.  You can clearly identify what’s missing in the relationship; hopefully through conversation you may be able to communicate this and find new ways to connect, even if it’s a hug, watching a movie together, or a family walk; intimacy is such an integral part of a relationship and you have every right to be feeling the way that you are right now.
 
If you need to talk please know we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
In the meantime we’re sure you will hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re an amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Kind Regards
 
Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear RecklessAbandon~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here to the Forum. I was saddened to read your post with the idea of after 8 years things have gone so bad and the very miserable and lonely life you lead .

The only ray of light seems to be that after you have shown how bad things have become he has tried for a few days, which may not seem much, but may have the seeds of a start buried in it.

Now obviously I do not now why your husband has been behaving this way, there could be many reasons. I do know that for some pepple endlessly watching YouTube, playing computer games and not taking part in family can be a retreat from some matter or event or even depression, as opposed to simply being selfish and lazy.

I'm not particularly suggesting any of these, but if it was a retreat then you may well feel all drive, love and care has gone, even though it's not actually what's happening.

As a start can you think of anything that happened shortly before all this change of behaviour started? Maybe there is something there.

I guess trying to find out what has gone wrong, and hopefully changing his behaviour, may need professional help, rather then you simply saying how things are and he making minimal responses.

Have you considered -as a pair - going to family counseling and see how that goes? If you were interested I can suggest Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 who have centers in many places or if not they may suggest another organization closer to you.

They are a pay-for service but do have a sliding scale based on circumstances.

Please do come back and talk with us some more. You are not alone

Croix

[geoff]

Hello RecklessAbandon, I am sorry for this situation you are in, because sometimes people do say they will improve and this may be so, but only for a day or two, then go back to how it was before, and by doing this doesn't solve any problem at all.

Since this has been happening with your partner for 2 years, it slowly affects how you feel as time passes and certainly becomes more predominate with your reactions.

Being good for a day or so, still doesn't mean that he understands the actual problem because he only goes back to what suits him, and totally inconsiderate of how you are.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can suggest that this is no way any relationship should be like, especially when you have an 8 year child, sure he may work long hours, but a mum works too and much of this work is to maintain the household, cook, shop, entertain your child and answer the many questions from an inquisitive child, so your day/night is always full, but a little bit of help would be appreciated.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi RecklessAbandon

The warmest of welcomes to you, especially as you suffer so deeply right now. I feel for you so very much.

As Croix mentions, could there be an underlying factor at play when it comes to your partner? While he displays the behaviour of someone who simply doesn't care enough, could it be that he's depressed or he's mentally and physically run down and doesn't have enough energy outside of work? If you finally reach the conclusion that he's simply not putting enough effort in, this can help with understanding what you're trying to manage.

I went through this kind of process of elimination with my husband (of 20 years), not too long ago. Having faced depression myself in the past, I wondered whether this was the case with him, so I asked him. His response was along the lines of 'No, I simply work hard all day and I'm getting old (the lack of energy factor)'. My response, 'Dude, you're only in your early 50s. You need to manage your energy and overall well being better, for the sake of yourself and our relationship'.

Maybe it would help to ask who your partner used to be. Was he someone who used to initiate going on adventures or was it more so you who did all that? Was he someone who used to initiate constructive change or was it more so you who provided that kind of growth in the relationship? Was he someone who used to generate a few plans to look forward to, so that you had some sort of vision together to work toward, or was that you? Did he work towards the benefits that come with adventure, change and vision or was it you that did most of the work? Perhaps it was what you did together and you've lost a bit of that.

I found a lack of adventure, change and vision can become depressing. I spent years wondering what was wrong with me, why I was so depressed at times, until it finally hit - one of the things that was depressing me was my marriage and the lack of effort from my partner. Meanwhile I'd lost the adventurer in me and the visionary, as I'd come to accommodate his nature more and more over time.

Can't hurt to ask your partner about his mental health, as it could be a significant issue that needs addressing. Remember look after yourself in the process.