Better, but not

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi all, me agian.

I have been seeing a psychologist for the past 12 months as well as my normal psychiatrist, (she felt her alone was not enough) and have made improvements. but.

I feel at times that I am not getting anywhere.  Yesterday was a typical example.  I met two friends for lunch and it went well, I felt ok and was able to enter into the conversation rather than sit back and say nothing, which I use to do. I cracked jokes and the others laughed so that made me feel good to.

Then I went home and feel flat, I was teary, panicy and felt hopeless about my recovery. (I love my little flat and my cat so being home is not the problem and I do like my own company). I seem to have come some distance towards recovery which hasn't happened in many, many years. 

I feel like there is something wrong with me.

Do others go up and down like this in one day?  I suppose I want to know if I am alone in this or is it normal.

Thanks BBers

Anne

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Jess,

I don't feel weak about going through DV as he made it very clear that myself and my children would have been hunted down and our lives ended (sorry BB I don't know how else to phrase this) if we left, he was in the services and had access to weapons, he showed me.

The incest is a different story, yes I do feel partly to blame even though I have been told over and over again it wasn't my fault.

Hi Pipsy,

He left me and my children when he realised he had pushed me to the edge, the best move he ever made. I was too afraid to leave so never did. He stalked me for a few years after we seperated and divorced and it was only when I brought the police into it did he leave us alone. Now the boys have nothing to do with him, which I am a bit sad for their sake but that is his choice not my childrens.

Pipsy you made me laugh in your last few lines, I should take on that philosophy about 'up the meds and down the depression'.

Anyway enough ranting for me.

Thanks ladies

Anne

[JessF]

What I was getting to with this was to ask what you would say to someone who had been a victim of domestic violence and did blame themselves for it, or think themselves weak. I'm imagining you would have some strong words of support... and then to ask if you can apply those words to yourself and your feelings of self-blame around your depression. It's not easy to change the thinking patterns of decades. It sounds like you have been living with these kinds of self-blame thoughts for a very long time.

Why do you think you can see that you are not to blame for your PTSD, anxiety, family violence situation, but not the rest?

[July]

Hi Anne,

So sorry to hear of your pain and disillusionment at this time.

After everything you have survived and are going through, don't doubt your underlying resilience and strength it is within you and what keeps you going, take each day as it comes and don't look to far down the track, I find that helpful sometimes.

You see all of your issues as "weaknesses", I see you as a courageous, wonderful and strong person who has survived a long tunnel of darkness and provides caring support and encouragement to others.

You are a valued person who has a lot to contribute , to me personally, you have been a rock, through our shared family issues and I am so thankful we had many long chats.

I hope your meds get sorted, and they will, it just takes time.....that same old answer hey.

Please take care of yourself.

July

[pipsy]

Hi Anne. Lynda is my name. Have just read through your post where you're accepting part responsibility for the incest. Excuse me for asking, but how was that partly your fault. Incest is not about sex, it's about the POWER the abuser has over the victim. What could you have done to prevent it? I used to have those same doubts, could I have stopped him, short of destroying him, no, I couldn't have. He was older, stronger. Nothing I could've done would've prevented the abuse. He took every opportunity to attack me. I had no place to run. Neither did you, without 'spilling' the beans about what was happening. You were probably raised similar to me, where what happened at home, stayed at home. You never washed linen in public. He should've respected his sister instead of abusing her. I suppose he was one of these brothers who believed he could hurt you, but woe betide anyone else who hurt you. What a self righteous, arrogant person. People who abuse never accept blame for what they've done. They excuse themselves in all sorts of ways. Some believe that if they do abuse someone, it's not really abusing them, it's teaching them. That's a total cop-out.

Sorry to jump on that, but please stop beating yourself up over something you were powerless to prevent.

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Jess,

Yes l have

been living with self blaming thoughts for a very long time.

I know intellectually l am not to blame for any of the abuse and stuff that happened to me but inside it is another story. I have talked about this to both my psychiatrist and ppsychologist but that doesn't help. I might bring it up again with my psychologist next session.

Thanks July for your lovely words and so nice to hear from you. I have posted to you on the other forum concerning our boys.