Better, but not

Hopefullseeking · ‎22-02-2016

Hi all, me agian.

I have been seeing a psychologist for the past 12 months as well as my normal psychiatrist, (she felt her alone was not enough) and have made improvements. but.

I feel at times that I am not getting anywhere. Yesterday was a typical example. I met two friends for lunch and it went well, I felt ok and was able to enter into the conversation rather than sit back and say nothing, which I use to do. I cracked jokes and the others laughed so that made me feel good to.

Then I went home and feel flat, I was teary, panicy and felt hopeless about my recovery. (I love my little flat and my cat so being home is not the problem and I do like my own company). I seem to have come some distance towards recovery which hasn't happened in many, many years.

I feel like there is something wrong with me.

Do others go up and down like this in one day? I suppose I want to know if I am alone in this or is it normal.

Thanks BBers

Anne

Hopefullseeking · ‎17-03-2016

Hi Pipsy,

I was having a lot of trouble with daytime sleepiness which is why she halved the dose, it is a trial for a month but since my mood has dipped I am wondering if it is worth it. I am not as sleepy during the day which is a bonus. It has been two weeks and in two weeks I see my shrink agian and we will review it. My psychologist asked a few questions last tuesday but it is up to my shrink. I really hope the low mood is not due to a drop in medication, that would be really disappointing.

Peace from the black mood is worth fighting for which is why I am still here today, this can't be all there is to life, being in a black hole. It is hard, a tough road that I am tired of, tired of the struggle, I feel like I have gone backwards so far and I am not happy about it, I felt I was doing so well.

I do try to put the blackness out of my head, I am making a few cards because of your suggestion but I forgot how much it distracts me. I take a cuppa out to my green space, that helps to.

I am at my volunteer job and I had to keep telling myself I would have a great day. I quite frankly would rather be home but I know it is good for me to be here, I need to be here for my own mental health.

Anyway I am doing my best.

Dwwmills · ‎18-03-2016

Hi Hopefulseeking.

I came off SSRIs for anxiety in the last 12 months. Each time the dose was reduced the anxiety came back to some degree and I had to tackle it with cognitive-based therapy. On one of the reductions the anxiety came back and I was not able to get on top of it so the medication was increased back up to the last stage. It was a bit like trying to learn to ride a bike with training wheels. The medication was the trainer wheels. Once I got used to riding the bike with the wheels at one height and felt comfortable we would lift the height of the trainer wheels again and I’d have two relearn to get comfortable again. This took nearly 12 months to get off of a reasonably low dose of SSRIs. We reduced by 10 to 20% of the dose I was on at the time. I was amazed at how much the small reductions affected my anxiety levels. CBT worked really well for me so I was reasonably confident I can get back on top of things each time. I would wait until I’d had a really good stretch of low anxiety and there was no likely anxiety provoking events in the foreseeable future before I would reduce again. I now self manage my anxiety using CBT daily.

I still have ups and downs but my anxiety is in the normal range. If I find for some reason my anxiety is creeping up it’s usually because I have been feeling well and ignored the CBT practice.

I had trouble as well with daytime sleepiness and my psychiatrist switched the medication from morning to nights. This helped somewhat as I was more tired shortly after taking the medication. I still suffered some daytime sleepiness but it was not as bad as before.

I wish you the best.

Dean

Hopefullseeking · ‎21-03-2016

Hi Dean,

Sounds like a long journey to get off the meds, you have done well congrats.

I already take my meds at night, if I took them in the morning then I would sleep all day. My sleepiness also depends on how well I sleep at night to, if poor sleep then more daytime sleepiness, it makes sense.

It is a horrible process being on medication, going off and suffering side effects to boot, I hope one day to be off both the anit-D's I am on but one step at a time.

Thanks for your input it was interesting and valuable.

Anne

Hopefullseeking · ‎30-03-2016

Im devastated.

Saw my shrink today, she reviewed her notes and has been concerned how l would react to the lowered dose of 1 of my antidepressants. I have deteriorated so much in the last month she has raised them again.

l

asked her if I would ever get off them and she said no.

l hate relieing on meds but she said it is like any other illness

. I take thyroid tablets daily and she said antidepressants for me are the same.

l ffeel like curling up in a corner or pulling the blankets up over my head, instead l pigged out.

So upset ddon't want to relie on meds to be happy but looks like I have no choice.

A

JessF · ‎30-03-2016

Hello Anne, are you doing any work with your psychiatrist around these feelings? She is right about saying that taking these meds is no different to taking thyroid medication, or asthma or diabetes for that matter. But it doesn't sound like it is sinking in for you.

It sounds as though you take this as some sort of personal failing rather than seeing it as a medical issue.

pipsy · ‎30-03-2016

Hi Anne, oh dear one step forward, 2 back. When it comes to meds, each time you are reviewed and the dose is altered, it takes a while before we notice the affect. I'm rather pleased she has put you back on the original dose. She tried you on the lesser amount and the result was (I would say,) what she thought it might be. You have slid down into the hole again and your shrink picked up on that. That's actually a positive, believe it or not. How long has it been since she halved the dose, not that long, but long enough to see the result. Try to see it as any other form of long term medication. I'm diabetic, for 8 years, I was on insulin, injections. I hated it, but if it meant the difference between being well or sick, I'd rather be well, if that means medication, long live the medication. I'm now on blood thinners and cholesterol medication (for the rest of my life). Like you, there's times I resent the tie, but if it means I live a healthier lifestyle, that's a plus. Medication is there to benefit, your shrink sounds like she's on the ball. You have actually regained your original life by being back on full strength medication. Take a note of how you feel now, in a couple of days see how much better you feel. If you still feel the same as today, see your Dr or shrink (if possible). Try to work with your shrink, she sounds as though she's there completely for you.

Hopefullseeking · ‎31-03-2016

Hi Jess,

I suppose we have talked about it in the past but maybe i need to bring it up with my psychologist.

I have had depression all my life but wasn't aware of this until going into therapy in my early 40's. I had always thought the way I felt and thinking patterns were how everyone felt.

I have survived child sexual abuse and to a certian degree parental abandonment, DV, two bouts of cancer and a melonoma, I thought I was strong. I can accept having ptsd, anxiety but have trouble with depression. I see it as a flaw, a weakness as if there is something wrong with me that I can't cope. Sorry for those that are reading this as it might upset some people. Therefore I have a great deal of trouble with taking anti-Ds, that fact that I need them to be happy, it just doesn't sit well with me.

So Jess you are spot on.

A

Hopefullseeking · ‎31-03-2016

Hi Pipsy,

It is a month since the dose was halved, I told her I felt I had deteriorated since the dose was halved so we discussed what symtoms I was experiencing and she agree with me and we put up the dose. She suspected I would have that reaction but I suppose I needed to see and feel it for me to accept the dose needed to be put back up. I was the one that suggested the dose be lowered but I was wrong.

I started to feel myself slipping with in a about 10 days and by the end of the month was in a bad space. I hope I go back up as quick, don't like how I am feeling now and don't want to be in that space.

Yes suppose that is a good way to think of taking meds, I will be in a better place taking them than not, I have to accept and be ok with that but I resent having to take them.

My shrink is there completely for me while I see her but then i feel alone inbetween sessions, silly aye. She understands me, as does my psychologist but I don't feel understood by my friends and sometimes family. So most of the time feel very alone.

A

JessF · ‎31-03-2016

Indeed you are a strong person to have come through all this. It's interesting...some people who have survived sexual abuse and domestic abuse feel that they are flawed and weak for 'letting it happen'. Did you ever experience feelings like this?

pipsy · ‎31-03-2016

Hi Anne. Being able to open and discuss with your psych about abuse and how you feel about what happened is actually fabulous. Friends and family never fully appreciate things like that. The long term effects can be devastating. I know in my case, I never really trusted men for years, still have problems. You are probably experiencing PTSD, which is what happens to a lot of victims of abuse. Friends and family never understand how and why you didn't walk away when you were being abused. Easy for them, they weren't there. Walking away is scary and sometimes you feel safer in the environment (even though it is unhealthy), you feel safer because you tell yourself, at least you know how you're living. Walking away is a greater fear, because you don't know what's around the corner. Victims excuse their tormentors by saying, 'if I was better, more understanding' etc. Once you accept there is nothing you can do to change your abuser, the next step is harder. Walking away. Where to go, who to turn to. Sometimes the police are involved, then you feel as though the whole thing was your fault, or you've made up the whole story. You've come out of it remarkably well, but you still need help to get through the PTSD you now have. Please, never think of yourself as 'silly' because you feel alone. You can post/vent here as often as you like. There is also BB helpline, lifeline.

That's what BB is all about, helping people work through the darkness that surrounds them. Getting back to something else you said. Given the choice of medication to support and help make me feel better, or resenting the constant depression. Give me medication. Thumbs 'down' to depression, thumbs 'up' to medication and feeling better.