Better, but not

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi all, me agian.

I have been seeing a psychologist for the past 12 months as well as my normal psychiatrist, (she felt her alone was not enough) and have made improvements. but.

I feel at times that I am not getting anywhere.  Yesterday was a typical example.  I met two friends for lunch and it went well, I felt ok and was able to enter into the conversation rather than sit back and say nothing, which I use to do. I cracked jokes and the others laughed so that made me feel good to.

Then I went home and feel flat, I was teary, panicy and felt hopeless about my recovery. (I love my little flat and my cat so being home is not the problem and I do like my own company). I seem to have come some distance towards recovery which hasn't happened in many, many years. 

I feel like there is something wrong with me.

Do others go up and down like this in one day?  I suppose I want to know if I am alone in this or is it normal.

Thanks BBers

Anne

[ci]

Hi hopefullseeking you are not alone and it's totally normal to go up and down.

I'm in the same phase of recovery as you its frustrating you just want to be better! Try not to push yourself I'm currently trying to learn to accept my bad times and be greatfull for the good. I've had very up and down Rollercoaster weekend so I'm sitting with my daughter on the couch trying to be kind to myself today. Normally I'd be trying to push through it and getting angry that I feel so flat. But honestly it makes me feel worse. Maybe try and accept the flat bad times and see if it helps worth a try

[white knight]

Hi Anne,

Thankyou for sharing this. It is so common I think.

When I leave an environment whereby I've chatted a lot and my mania goes over the top, I feel guilt. Did they think I was drunk (which has been said before) or smoking something I shouldn't have etc. Then the paranoia sets in. "Why haven't they rang me in the last few days...maybe they want to stand clear"?

What I do now ifs if I'm feeling that way I seek clarity. I give them, or one person a quick call. Just chat and often ask them how they feel in a general reaching out fashion. "And are you managing your problem with your son ok now"?  This not only allows you to find out if they have lingering feelings about your last meeting, it allows you to reach out to a friend, which as you know is a good thing to do.

Another factor is environment change.  You said you like your flat and your cat. But, it is still a change from the rowdy environment of a café or even just 2 other people. It's 'silence'!!!  With silence and boredom I tend to over analyse things. Then y issues begin.

Finally, medication can wear off later in the day. This happened to me with mood stabilisers. Now I take them half morning and half evening as my Dr suggested.

Hope this helps.  Love your input here Anne

Tony WK

[Hopefullseeking]

Thank you ci and Tony,

I don't feel so bad now, but it still bothers me.

How do you explain to your friends and family?  I don't as it happens when I am home alone so don't want to bother anyone. 

I have had depression all my life and I guess at 61 I have had enough.  I am better than 12 months ago but that isn't enough.  I want to feel ok all the time and I know that is unrealistic, even for non-depressive people they have good and bad times.

I know I have to be patient and work hard at recovery but that in itself brings me down, I think I am hard on myself but I am sure I am not alone there.

I just want to be like my friends, is that unrealistic?

[Guest_1055]

Hi Anne

You are not alone in this up and down thing. So please feel reassured of that. No way you are definitely not alone.....

It is good you could got out and enjoyed time with some friends. So I guess that is the up. I am not quite sure about this, but I think it would be a good idea to be thankful for the ups. Just like ci suggested . Even start writing a list of the thankfuls and sticking it somewhere where you will see it. So you could write....I am thankful that I was OK and could have a conversation with my friends. You could even write that you are thankful that you have a friend. Maybe you already are doing this....I don't know???

Anyway I care about you and I can see you like cats. Is that your kitty on the cup in the picture there?

 I would like to give you a hug, if you like that sort of thing.......I do.

Shell xx

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Shelley,

Thank you for such a reassuring post.

I should be thankful for the ups, I guess I have spent so long being down that I forget to be grateful for the good times. When I was at home and on the verge of whatever I was going through I did think and try to remind myself that I had, had a nice lunch and I did feel ok.

I guess I get frustrated that one minute I can feel ok and the next be on the verge of tears, panic etc. I just want to be better, feel better, be normal as I see it.

Sorry I am rambling again.

Shelley, the cats on the cups are not my cat, I brought those cups because of the pictures of cats on them. I really liked them so brought them.  I am an animal lover but at the moment as I live in a small unit and cat is the right animal for me. My cat is a rescue cat, he and his sister where found abandoned as newborns and were hand raised by a vet nurse, he has never been outside and is very much at home in my unit with all the toys and stuff I provide him.  He is often my saviour too.

Hugs

Anne

[white knight]

Hi Anne

I agree with Shell, you are not alone and this forum is exactly what its for so keep going and keep posting.

You are right in that those without depression have ups and downs. Without psycho-analysing you at all, perhaps you haven't been able to take the initial step of accepting your illness fully. In my case I had to go through that process fully to accept it before I could move on to greener pastures.

Accepting our depression...I covered that in a thread (google it) "Topic: depressions- a ship on the high seas" a metaphor for people like us.

In another thread "Topic: the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue" it depicts the topic of our nature. We are an individual and unless identical twins there is no one the same as us. Our nature is our nature and we can mould it a little but somethings about us we cannot change. I believe the secret is to - 1/ change ourselves as much as we can within reasonable limits to better ourselves and learn to cope and 2/ then work on the low confidence aspect.

In my thread "Topic: you are sliding, what can you do- beyondblue" there might be points that you could adopt.

I know when I arrive home after a social gathering I feel flat. I recognise this straight away now and I take our dog for a walk. If still feeling unwell I'll visit a café for a cuppa and often bump into locals for another chat. Then when I arrive home I'm amazed at how better I feel. It's like I didn't get enough socialising in the first instance.

Sometimes I wished my brain would just speak up with what it needed!!

Tony WK

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Tony,

I thought I had accepted my depression but may be I haven't.  I have told my family now, my 4 brothers are scattered with two overseas and two interstate.  They all know now so I feel good about bringing it out in the open.  By doing that I thought I had accepted this is who I am. 

I have also come to the realisation that I have to take each day as it comes, this is hard. 

I spent a lot of my childhood and the whole of my 14 year marriage and a few years after, being abused (not asking for sympathy just explaining) so have lived a lot of my life without control but now I am in control of the what, where and why of my life which is fantastic. Love it. However in some small way I don't have control as I am now  under the control of the depression, anxiety, PTSD to some degree.  I do all that my shrinks ask of me and put all their strategies in place but sometimes even that doesn't seem enough.

I thought I had acceptance is what I am trying to say but Tony you have made me question that, so thank you, it might be a good topic for my psychologist.

Anyway I had better get on with my volunteering rather than spending all of my time on the computer.  lol

Hugs

Anne

[Hopefullseeking]

Feel like I am slipping again down into the black hole of depression. I can't get a foot or hand hole to climb back out again.

l saw my psychologist yesterday and she said l have come a long way and it is important to acknowledge that

. So l have made a list of the positives on my road to recovery that have happened in the last year. I know l have made big steps but feel down at the moment and it scares me, feel alone and feel like l am going backwards.

I saw my shrink two weeks ago and she halved one of my antidepressants

. I don't know if that is the reason or l am just on a downer.

l work so hard on my recovery but right now l feel tired and defeated.

Thanks for listening

Anne

[pipsy]

Hi hopefullseeking.  I would say your shrink is pleased with the progress you seem to be making so she halved your dose.  It will take time for you to adjust to a lesser dose.  Instead of allowing yourself to go down that hole again, (once you get down, the climb up is hard).  Look at the list of positives steps you have made in the past year.  You've just finished a beautiful patio, you have your cat to share it with you.  You are on your own at the moment and that's a scary place to be.  Can you go for a walk somewhere, enjoy the scenery around you.  I know that seems Mission Impossible, but it needn't be.  As I said to you in an earlier post, the depression controls you because you feel you have no other outlet for your black mood.  You do, write down why you feel the blackness closing in.  Is it because you're scared your lesser dose of AD's mightn't be as strong, they won't - yet, but you will adjust.  If after a couple of weeks you still feel as bad, ask if your original dose can be re-introduced as you feel unable to cope yet.  Try and mentally walk away from the blackness.  I know it seems easier said than done, but, anything worth having is worth fighting for.  Your peace of mind, freedom from blackness is worth fighting for.  The strategies your shrink gave you for help is working, actually.  If you were still as emotionally depressed as you were, your shrink wouldn't have lessened your dose.  You are not in the abusive situation you were in, getting out of that took strength, congrats for that.  The PTSD is part of the recovery from what you went through.  Returned servicemen go through the same.  Look on your journey as recovering from a traumatic situation.  The trauma has gone, bad memories are just bad memories, they can't hurt you.  They upset you  -yes, but the physical pain is no longer there, just the emotional pain and that is starting to recede.  How long since you left your relationship?  You will have 'down' days but the 'up' days should be starting to over ride the down days.  On the down days, as I said, write down why you feel down, get angry with the down days, anger will help drive the depression away.  As I said earlier, you can't be depressed and angry together. 

Remember BB is always here to assist you.

Love you for who you are now.