Hi LKL
I feel for you so much as you and your kids face so many of the challenges that come with alcohol. As a 53yo gal who's an ex serious binge drinker and who drank my way through long term depression when I was younger, I don't think it's as cut and dry as some people may believe. It's not a simple addiction. On the contrary, it's a complex one. I found part of the complexity to involve using alcohol as and emotional regulator. Being such, it can keep us in what feels like a never ending loop. Kinda like 'If I drink to feel some level of happiness and I feel that happiness but hurt someone else in the process, tomorrow I can only cope with my guilt through drinking. I'll manage my guilt, brutal inner dialogue and future happiness through drinking, while gaining some relief at the same time'.
Another part of the complexity I found involved a problem with my lack of skill development, while I drank. So many skills need to be addressed and develop when managing depression or what's depressing, for example. If we weren't taught some of the skills for managing depression and alcohol seems to help manage it, it kind of makes sense to consume what appears to help manage it. Same with social anxiety, no need to develop skills for coping with social anxiety when alcohol makes social anxiety easier to manage. The list goes on. Personally, I drank to feel peace, drank to feel happy and less depressed (until the morning came), drank to feel courage, socially adequate, a sense of relief, a lack of stress etc etc etc. Also drank to shut off a lot of really challenging inner dialogue. It's not easy to stop drinking or curb our drinking when we can't tolerate the level of stress, sadness, fear and inner dialogue that we're facing. When I say 'feel', I really mean feel. Feelings are an experience of the body. Energy in motion in the mind (aka thought) creates energy in motion in the body (physical emotions) that can be felt in some pretty horrible and torturous ways. The mind and body are highly interactive.
Having been on both sides of the fence (as a drinker and a non drinker), I've raised my kids to ask themselves the question 'What leads me to consume a mind altering substance to the degree where it alters my mind?'. I've always wanted them to be conscious of the fact it is a mind altering substance, something I was never led to be conscious of myself. I simply saw it as 'drinking to feel good'. With their father being a functional alcoholic, he was raised by his dad to see drinking as a way of life and therefor doesn't see it as a problem. We all perceive alcohol differently, for different reasons.
My heart truly goes out to you as you face what feels impossible to manage. Alcohol and the fallout from drinking can be such a painful and torturous thing to manage. Hard to give up or seriously modify what seems to be the only thing that offers a sense of relief.
