I don't know how I feel

[yours_truly]

Hey guys,

So basically I used to be depressed I guess, or maybe I still am i don't really know. I used to be going through a hard time and these days I don't feel as depressed as I was. I don't know what changed, but i'm not happy either. Like it kind of just washed over, i never actually dealt with it. I'm still feeling crappy and like I can almost feel my brain chemistry still muddled up, but I just feel more normal. Is this concerning or does it just imply that I had gotten used to ignoring all of my depression and just sort of put it aside?

[Croix]

Dear Yours_truly~

Welcome back. You did say at one stage that you had to summon up a lot of effort to get out of bed and shower, I know hte feeling. Hopefully now things have improved a little.

I can't realy judge the significance in the change you noticed, though I know in my own case things get better and worse in waves.

Life sounds as if it is pretty miserable and you don't really have a handle on what is happening. May I ask if you have seen a doctor about this and laid out your circumstances and how you are feeling?  The reason I ask is i was unable to improve by myself and only started to get more control and understanding when I had medical assistance.

Now I"m a different person, and while still subject to depression and anxiety they no longer rule my life. I did have the support of my family and htat made a difference too.

Can I ask if you are trying to cope with this in isolation, or do you have anyone you can lean on for a bit?

Croix

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

Thanks for opening up about what you've been going through. It's totally okay to have mixed feelings about your mental health journey. Just so you know, relapses can happen, and it's not a sign of weakness.

I wonder who you have in your life you can lean on? Friends, family, or someone you trust? Talking to someone about how you're feeling can make a big difference. Or consider having a chat with a mental health pro or your GP? They're great at helping folks figure things out and giving support.

Also, think about any strategies that have helped you in the past. Even small things that made you feel better.

Just remember, it's okay not to have everything figured out right now. I hope some of this makes sense, and listening if you want to chat some more.

[therising]

Hi yours_truly

With sensitivity relating to the ability to sense, you definitely sound like a 'feeler'. You don't feel/sense 'the absolute depths of depression', you don't feel/sense 'complete happiness', you can feel/sense what 'crappy' feels like, you feel/sense your brain chemistry's off and you can feel/sense some degree of what 'normal' feels like. You sound like one seriously tapped in person when it comes to getting a feel for things or a sense of things.

Being a gal who's trying to master feeling my way through life or getting a better sense of things, I have to say this sensitivity business definitely comes with a heck of a lot of challenges. I've found gathering 'keys' (aka tips, strategies, skills etc) is so important. Such keys can help unlock further understanding and ability. A couple of handy keys I've found

• Try and identify new feelings. 'I have zero idea what this feeling is but I'm determined to identify it'. All feelings are telling. Pays to work out what a new feeling's trying to tell us. A new feeling typically holds some kind of epiphany
• Emotion is said to be 'energy in motion'. The question can become 'What is this kind of energy I'm feeling (label it), how much intensity does it hold (the volume at which it's felt) and how is it moving or not moving through me (is it hyperactive, peacefully flowing or does it have a 'stuck' kind of feel to it)?'. From zero happiness to pure happiness, happiness has a spectrum, from one extreme to the other, that can be felt. What increases the volume of happiness and what decreases it? In other words, what are positive and negative triggers and what is the volume of those triggers? Some triggers will be huge and some tiny. Loads of dopamine can bring us pure or extreme happiness, as can loads of inspiration and energy in general. Next to no dopamine, inspiration and overall energy can put us at the other end of the happiness spectrum. If you're feeling or sensing your brain chemistry's off, chances are you're sensing well. There can be dozens of ways to increase the volume of dopamine, serotonin and all that happy kind of chemistry. Researching and working with relatable ways of increasing certain chemistry can be worth the time and effort. What doesn't work involves what we can't relate to or feel

Sounds like you're trying to get a better feel for things. May sound a bit strange but when I'm trying to get a better feel for things, I try and become super sensitive. Tapping further into the 5 common senses can help with 'up shifts'. Testing every perfume/aftershave in the shop, until you hit on the one that feels like 'pure happiness', is a form of aroma therapy. Music therapy can involve going through a variety of artists or songs while feeling which generates greater levels of energy/excitement. If one proves to be a little exciting, turn the volume up and see if the volume of energy/excitement in you increases. There are a lot of interesting experiments for a super sensitive person. I've found sometimes it's not enough to simply say 'I want to be happy', it's more so be about getting a feel for what generates a greater sense of happiness and what doesn't.

A whole different angle: 'I don't know how to feel because no one has taught me how I'm naturally designed to feel in so many different, strategic, exciting, fascinating and incredible ways'. 'I am a feeler!' is a declaration that precedes the question 'Now, how do I master this ability like a pro?'.🙂

[yours_truly]

Hey Croix,

I promise I read your response, but I don't think I ever replied.

Looking back, I recall feeling so comforted by the fact that someone out there was listening and voluntarily replied to my story. I definitely and will always be grateful for that!

I did try to cope with it on my own, but I am surrounded by friends that care and are constantly observing, so I doubt I am by myself. 

Thanks, 

Yours_truly

[yours_truly]

Hey smallwolf,

The question about strategies really opened my eyes and brought me to understanding that I had to try different things to find out what worked for me, and how I could manage all my feelings. I now take this on with me when I reply to others. I believe your impact on me will have a chain effect and will help someone else to improve their state

Thanks!,

Yours_truly

[yours_truly]

Hey therising,

I feel like your advice here is a masterpiece. I mean the way you got to every point with such artistic and meaningful approaches is insane to me. It genuinely allows me to take a different perspective and take thing step-by-step, beginning from just the meaning of emotion. 

Thanks :),

yours_truly

[therising]

Hi yours_truly

I'm so glad it felt relatable. I personally love the feel of certain revelations, especially the major ones. So exciting at times.

I can recall when I started to consider a different way of looking at feelings, from getting a feel for certain soulful kinds of emotions or getting a feel for the best way forward through to the basic feelings that come as a side effect of physical issues. I suppose one way of looking at the physical side is 'Not sure what I'm feeling (what the issue is), I'll go and express my feelings (aka symptoms) to my GP and see if he/she knows'.

Whether it's incredible hyperactivity, soul destroying levels of heartache, pure joy, overwhelming peace, emotional numbness (which technically feels like a lack of feeling), the vibe of the pessimist in me vs the vibe of the sage in me, a broken leg, a dehydration headache compared to a tension headache, we're designed to feel so many things in so many different ways.

Can take a lifetime to figure out how to feel everything like a master.

[yours_truly]

Hi therising,

It's wonderful to hear that you find these things exciting, as I find not many people are amused by revelations like such. The change in your mindset is so refreshing, allowing us to understand where it is that we sometimes go wrong. Thinking one way can restrict us from truly expressing ourselves and changing our states for the better. 

I find emotional numbness is always a tricky one, because I feel nothing and yet there is so much buried beneath it. Almost like a frozen river, the sea life slowly building, waiting for the ice that traps them to melt or burst. It might never happen, like if you're in the arctic regions, or it may come quicker than usual if you're in a tropical country. I suppose that refers to the situation we put ourselves in. Our mindsets included. 

It comes as a topic that could be discussed for a lifetime,

Yours_truly

[therising]

Hi yours_truly

Ahh, yes, what lies beneath the surface. It's definitely an interesting topic. There have been times where absolute rage in me has come to life out of periods of complete numbness. Begs the question 'Where the heck did that come from?'. I think sometimes we don't realise how well we come to master suppression. It's not until something triggers a 'melt down' that we come to face what's below the surface, everything we thought we'd dealt with (everything that's been masterfully suppressed or so it seemed). It's like the powers that be kind of laugh while proclaiming 'You thought you'd dealt with all that, think again kid. Here it comes. Get ready'. That sheet of ice involved in the melt down can look and sound like 'If I just suck it up, everything will be fine'. Everything gets pushed below that hardened belief.

Sometimes a simple comment can act like a flame thrower at full force. The comment directed at us could simply be 'You're so selfish'. Here it comes, seemingly out of nowhere, out of the numbness, from beneath the surface...the rage fueled rant. 'Selfish?! Just about every single thing I've ever wanted for myself I went without because it didn't suit YOU! You just never wanted to listen because it was too uncomfortable. Every time I wanted to cry with a sense of disappointment but instead put on my big girl panties and just got on with things so YOU could be happy!' And on and on it goes, with the kind of rage seen in people who've just about lost their mind.

Then there can be the more subtle melts here and there, like scattered holes in the ice sheet. Every now and then a revelation pops up to the surface or someone breaks the ice, allowing it to come to the surface for us. When this happens, with the feeling of revelations come great scattered experiences of relief, which can involve relief from believing we're always going to be completely numb. While having gained scatterings of consciousness and the feelings that can accompany those scatterings (relief, a sense of liberation, joy and excitement), there is nothing that compares to the greatest feeling of all and that is the feeling of coming back to life. If the depths of depression feel like a slow soul destroying death, coming back to life feels like heaven on earth. Whether we come to life bit by bit through occasional breakthroughs or it suddenly happens all at once through some major meltdown, the question can sometimes be 'How do I come back to life constructively?'.