BDD, Anxiety, Depression and bodybuilding

[Emtemt]

Hi All,

I just wanted to reach out and tell a little bit of my story in hopes that I can help someone with their struggles. I have suffered from body dysmorphic disorder for majority of my life with only realising it was a serious issue a few years ago. My BDD is focused toward my stomach and the constant feeling and fear of being fat.

I grew up very overweight through my childhood which lead to a lot of teasing, no self confidence,anxiety and depression which has stayed with me and only gotten worse into my adulthood (I am now 26).

I found that through the gym and fitness I began to feel a lot better as most people do, so I decided to take it to the next level and work towards a bodybuilding competition,striving for that illusive 6 pack of abs I had always dremt about,little did I know this would make everything a million times worse. I became obsessive over trying to get lean enough to get a 6 pack when I wasn't getting to my goal the anxiety towards food and depression began to kick in. I did eventually do a show, however it was a very bad decision as it amplified all of my mental health issues. I thought if I got that 6pack it would fix all of my issues, I was so very wrong!

I am now working towards a healthy,fit and happy lifestyle where I am accepting of my body and how I look. I still have my bad days but overall things are getting much better.

I could go on and on into much more detail but will leave it there. Please reach out if you have had any similar issues or just want to talk about anything, I want to help.

🙂

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome Em; (Sorry, your username is hard to pronounce)

I'm Sara and my profile pic (Avatar) depicts how I wanted to look. In the movie 'Terminator 2', I first watched on in awe as she was doing chin-ups on her over-turned bed in the psych ward. I rewound that scene many times gazing over her biceps and back/shoulder muscles. (Incidentally, for the average woman to lift her own body weight with even one chin-up is a feat in itself!)

I read your story with great interest. Though it differs to mine in content, the similarities are there too; predominantly is the focus on our bodies.

In my case it was sexual abuse in childhood and a violent rape as an adult. I'm now 57 and am just beginning to realise my internal response to abuse...my mind disconnected during those events leaving me thinking my physical presence was all that mattered.

Physical wounds heal; emotional and mental wounds need addressing too as a balanced approach to recovery. That process isn't about my abuser's or your bully's. It's what we told ourselves at the time of the abuse...what we believe about ourselves and the world around us.

Unfortunately, if we don't address the trauma when it occurs, it stays in our minds as an ever present 'now' moment in time. It's so automatic, like driving a car, we don't realise it's dictating our every action and decision.

Your issues seem to be about 'image', whereas mine is about 'strength'. In both cases, the body is supposed to be our saviour from abuse and cruel words; both are 'attacks'.

I've learned Em, that my mind is the most powerful tool I have. Ergo...the pen is mightier than the sword. Yes, being healthy is optimal, but our bodies are a reflection of our minds. In your case, your body is in conflict with your beliefs and memories. That's why it never seems to be 'enough'.

I know this imbalance too well I'm afraid. I still struggle as you have shown too. I love this subject and the fact you've opened up a thread to discuss this issue which affects many people on BB.

So Kudos to you! I'm so looking forward to your response my friend.

Grateful...Sara (Hugs)

[Emtemt]

Hi Sara,

Thank you so much for your beautiful response and for sharing your story.

(My name is Mark)

Through my psychology sessions I have come to realise exact

[Emtemt]

Hi Sara,

Thank you so much for your beautiful response and sharing your story.

(My name is Mark)

Through my psychology sessions I have come to realise what you have mentioned, that it is my self hatred that is holding me back and I need to love myself for who I am before I can actually by happy. Although it is tough thankfully I have made great progress and I am on the journey I need to be on. I know I have a long road ahead but I can now see light at the end of the tunnel and known its just a matter of persistence and time.

🙂 Emtemt aka Mark

[Just Sara]

Well said Mark!

Your endeavours, self acceptance and success is a testament to the courage and inner strength you carry. So well done! I'm behind you all the way my friend...

Self Love - this term is said more times than I can remember, we even have a whole thread dedicated to how it's interpreted. (Do You Love Yourself; Your Thoughts Are Welcome/Long Term Support Over the Journey or Staying Well) Most people have given up on themselves re this issue. But I for one have my opinion and it's not popular because it's challenging.

Our 'Value' and 'Worth' is at its core. We see this mainly in how others feel about us. (Your bullying comes to mind) If you can turn this around and identify your true value, the sky's the limit.

Nelson Mandella said; "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

I so value his words. By being the best we can be, we liberate ourselves and others. That's what I do here on BB; I give my all and shine for others as well as myself. I've grown and developed as an individual and peer supporter. I'm proud of me! That's self love...

It's about the doing; this creates the state of 'being'. Too much 'head work' can send one crazy...balance is necessary.

Anyway, that's my rant for the day. I hope you get something out of it Mark.

I wish you and your loved one's a Merry Xmas and your New Year is abundant in all things great and small.

May the Santa be with you...

Sara xo​

[Odysey1977]

Howdy,

Thanks for sharing this, I can definitely relate. I have recently (approx 12 weeks ago) competed and am still looking like I did when I competed. I track my food religiously and have now developed a "fear" of eating carbs or eating more than a set caloric amount per day. It's beyond frustrating as I now that I need to increase my calories and carb intake due to health reasons and my own knowledge of the human body - but I often get in the way of myself. I keep getting into a cycle of low carb during the week with the "cheat meal" view on the weekend. Problem is - when the cheat meal comes around - it's really not that much and I tend to over train to combat the absolutely rubbish that floats in my head (voices mainly).

Glad to see/hear others that have done bodybuilding shows that go through the same thing - it's so frustrating. Did you end up talking to someone about it or did you manage to solve the issues yourself over time? I'm contemplating talking with someone - but not 100% sure who that will understand a "bodybuilders" mentality.

Thanks again for sharing - really appreciate it.