anniversary of dad's death

[David35]

It's coming up 7 years of dad's death this week. And leading up to it, I'm a mess. I'm depressed, sad, can't think straight some days. I bumped into a mate of his the other day, and the whole next day and several others, I just felt like shit. Do other people get this? Is it delayed grief? It's like this mental block in my mind telling me that something is bothering me.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear David,

 I don’t know if this will help but I’ve found the memories I have of my Dad in the last months of his life have become healing memories even though they were sad and challenging times as well. My Dad’s character changed over time too and I think health vulnerability in some cases brings out their gentle and loving side. I can tell you are such a sensitive, loving and caring son. While that can make you vulnerable to feeling the loss acutely it is the same sensitivity that can enable you to really feel warmth, love and kindness in your heart. The fact you were doing those kind things to support your Dad, such as creating the spreadsheet for his medication, means you were there with him and for him with an open heart. So I think what I’m saying is to let that love just fill your heart and know what a difference you made for your Dad. I feel it is that love that eventually eases the grief. As others have said the grief doesn’t necessarily go away, but it changes over time and I think that allowing yourself to feel that warmth, love and tenderness you have in your heart can be part of the healing. It’s beautiful you were there for your Dad and he will have felt that support and it made a difference. 

[indigo22]

It's a role reversal when they get to that stage, you become the parent and caregiver. It's difficult to watch them go from the vibrant person you know to an aged and vulnerable version. I agree with Eagle Ray, they know what we did for them and now they are watching out for us.

[David35]

Thanks. Your kind words help a lot.

[David35]

Yeah it seems so futile at the time. We all knew the end result once the cancer got to his brain. Nevertheless, we tried. When I was younger, I would disagree a lot, often just to prove a point. Now I find myself thinking , "what would dad have done". Ive just got to look around in society and know that i was lucky. But at the time you just take it all for granted. Now i find myself becoming more like him, which isnt such a bad thing i suppose. I guess with age comes wisdom.

[Eagle Ray]

You’re welcome David. One of the fond memories I have of my Dad was when he was in hospital and I took him out for walks on his walker. They wouldn’t let him out of his room without someone with him which was really confining and depressing for him. But as soon as I got there we’d go out straight away and he just loved being outside and seeing the things around him. Such a small thing made a big difference and lifted his spirits. I cherish the memory of that time now and I’m so glad I could be there to support him in that way. So in a similar way I’m sure all those things you did for your Dad are examples of your love and care that made a difference. I really feel, as Indigo says, that they are watching over us, in our hearts and loving us unconditionally. I’m sure your Dad would be super proud of you and want the very best for you.

I think it’s true that we take some things for granted when younger. I think that is the nature of still growing our wisdom. I think as we get older more things about our parents make sense including the things they did and said that maybe didn’t make sense for us at the time. But they likely went through a similar process too with their parents. Also, at a younger age we are trying to differentiate ourselves from them and become our own adult person, so I think it’s quite common to go through phases of disagreement with them. Then, as we get older, we realise some insights and wisdom they held and it becomes a meaningful resource for us in the present.

[David35]

I used to think the insights were just to make my life difficult and prove that he's the boss. Now I realise later in life that he only ever had my best interest at heart, even if I was too young and stupid to realise it. I guess when you're older, you can see further down the road.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi David, I don't think it's being stupid. I think it's being a normal young person questioning things and wanting your own independence including the right to your own views and choices. I expect that almost every human goes through such a process.

My Mum had explosive rage which was really hard to deal with. But underneath that rage was a frightened child (trauma from her own childhood). She was often actually afraid for us at some level and so her concern and care could come out in this uncontrolled aggressive way. So there is often this confusion with parents too, where there ways of expressing things came from care at some level but was not always expressed in the most constructive manner.

I don't know the background for your Dad, but maybe he was a bit difficult at times and so you understandably reacted with some frustration, even if what he was saying was intended to be helpful. I certainly experienced that with my Dad. These are all really normal human reactions and behaviours in the circumstances. We are all only human and doing our best.

While I sometimes wish I had done certain things differently in the past, when I look back I can see I was doing my absolute best at the time to deal with things. So be kind to yourself and know your Dad would want that.

I have been processing similar things to you in relation to grief with both my parents. I am gradually learning not to beat myself up about all sorts of things, thinking I should have done this or that better. I was reading about grief after my Mum died and read that guilt is an extremely common emotion when someone dies. We worry about things we said we wish we hadn't, and the things we didn't say. I'm getting to the stage of letting go of those worries now, but I understand how it's possible to go over things wishing we had done things differently.

I remind myself that my parents would want me to be ok and happy, and to create a positive future for myself. So take care of yourself and make your self-care a priority. It's taken me a long time to start learning that but I can feel it makes a difference. From my own experience I can feel the grief getting gradually easier, even if it's an up and down journey at times, and I'm sure it will improve for you over time. Take care.

[indigo22]

When we are young, we think we have a handle on everything, we don't and can't realise that we have not gained enough wisdom to have all the answers and see our parents as just being 'old school'. You can't do better if you don't know better. I did not have all the love and support I needed growing up from any of my family members and they all let me down and betrayed on more than one occasion which caused me to end up with depression in the first place. But when the time came, I made a decision, just because they were not there for me when I needed them does not mean I can't be there for them when they need me. I decided there would be no regrets and there are none, because I gave them my love and support when it was most needed. And so did you David and Eagle Ray. 

[LucyK18]

Hey David,

I’m so sorry you lost your dad and for how you’ve been feeling. I hope things are and will get better for you and that you have heaps of loving memories of him.

I’ve been having similar feelings like you since I lost my dad 5 years ago and miss him even more now.

I wanted to share my experience so far with you in hopes that it helps you in some way, starting off with a it if an analogy.

Since dad died you’re carrying this suddenly heavy backpack that you kept putting off emptying cos you don’t have time to and you can manage. Then every setback since dad passing is like adding another brick to the backpack and now it’s too heavy to carry on your own so your stuck and can’t move forward and you feel it pulling you down to the spot.

This is how I’ve felt. The grief is healthy but you get overwhelmed and stuck when there’s no one to help.

I’ve only just recently spoken to a friend honestly about how I’ve/life’s been since dad died. That chat felt like she took a brick out of my backpack which then helped me take a step forward and book in to see a GP.  I’ve bailed on the appts so far but have just booked my 3rd attempt.

Once I go, I know that backpack will get lighter. And I’ll be able to take another step.

I saw someone else reply to your post and mention that maybe you haven’t finished grieving or figured out what grieving is for you. 

I hope that you can talk to someone if you haven’t already, maybe going straight to a GP to get you started and lighten the load a bit. 

 

[David35]

That's one thing about my dad. He had no regrets. I think if I trust he forgives me for being such a prick at times, then maybe I can move on and have no regrets also. I feel like he's telling me that it's time to stop looking in the past and start looking into the future again. I like the analogy of lightening the load. I think it's what is weighing me down. Past regrets with my alcoholism, but then he was proud I had the courage to seek help at AA. Despite its problems, I took it seriously and changed. I think he would be proud of how I've tried to support mum the last few years during her cancer, which she's now over. You don't get recognition in society for doing things that truly matter.