Angry and Tired

[Broodie-moody]

All the time I feel so angry and so tired. 
I’m angry because I’ve had so much therapy, tried so many meds yet I can’t seem to keep my house clean consistently, brush my teeth twice a day, shower every day or have any sort of productive routine. 
 
I want to exercise and lose weight and feel better but all I seem to do is fall on the couch and watch shows to numb myself. I’m so exhausted all the time. 

Yesterday I got so angry because I had to go meet someone but I wasn’t up to travelling that I wanted to bash my head against the wall and scream and kick and punch things. I didn’t but keeping it all contained was difficult, so I just cried and tried to breathe. 

I’m so overwhelmed, I just started a new job and there are quite a few things going on in my life but I feel so hugely inadequate and so lonely. I find it so difficult to have friends so I have isolated myself and only have family and one or two friends I see infrequently. 

I know that I have to have less going on in my life, that I can’t deal with as much as other people might be able to because of my chronic depression. But society doesn’t care. And I still want to achieve something in my life, and make my life better. 

I just wanted to share somewhere where I could be understood. But I’m angry that I’m tired and I’m tired of feeling angry and sad. I’m reluctant to go back to therapy because the last session I had with a (expensive) psychiatrist didn’t go particularly well. 

[indigo22]

Hi Broodie-moody,

Welcome and thank you for having the courage to talk about what you are going through. You certainly came to the right place to be understood. I am dealing with chronic major depression and am on meds but you pretty much described me to a T. It is frustrating feeling so tired all the time and it doesn't seem to make any difference what you do. I had counselling for a few years with a social worker, you don't have to go to an expensive practitioner, especially if you don't feel it is helpful. I found it worked better for me because social workers look at all angles of the issues you are dealing with (eg. environment, relationships, etc.). Perhaps you could have a talk with your GP about finding someone different. My depression is mostly stable now but it takes very little for me to become overwhelmed and that leads to frustration, anger, and so the story goes. I still also struggle with the day to day stuff, I plan to do something and get about an hour into it, then feel fatigued and it gets left to another time. Please feel free to come back any time and we will be here to support you, it is a place I wish I had come to sooner on my journey as it is a very kind and understanding community.

Take care,

indigo22

[therising]

Hi Broodie-moody

I don't think a lot of people really get how deeply depressing serious exhaustion or fatigue is, unless they can relate to it. Having managed periods in depression over some decades, I've found one of the most depressing factors in life can be a soul destroying lack of energy. If plenty of energy is what it takes to really feel life in so many amazing ways, a depressing lack of it can create such an overwhelming sense of disconnection. It can feel so heartbreaking in ways. I feel so deeply for you as you manage depression, next to no energy and an understandable amount of frustration and anger.

While you have a lot of exhausting stuff going on, I can't help but wonder whether medical folk have looked into solely physical/chemical reasons for the depressing lack of energy, so as to rule out any culprits that can make it impossible to make some progress when it comes to developing energy. From personal experience, sleep apnea and B12 deficiency have been significant factors for me. How's your quality sleep and blood chemistry? Do you think it could be time to dicuss your current medication with your GP? Could there be other physical issues going on that aren't obvious, ones that the experts should perhaps be looking into?

Mental energy's definitely a big factor, especially if stress or anxiety have you running a mental marathon each day, giving your nervous system and other systems a work out. Physically exhausting stuff. Depending on where inner dialogue's coming from too, it can become depressing when we're hearing only from the stresser in us or the part of us that's fully conscious of all the depressing things in life. How to channel the seer in us, that part of us that can conjure visions of the best way forward with relatable goals, when some depressed aspect has taken the reigns? Incredibly hard to do at times. At other times, impossible. One thing the stresser in me or the part of me that's conscious of all that's depressing won't do and that is give me hits of dopamine. The mind and body can be brutal in the way they work together at times, against us.

From a soulful perspective, I think there are times where you just want to scream something along the lines of 'Where, in this hell on earth, is inspiration? Why has it left me? Where are the answers? Where is the way forward and WHY am I so damned tired?'. With energy and depression, it's a bit of a catch 22 at times. If we had the energy to be moved to do things, those things would give us the sense of satisfaction and achievement. And with such a sense of satisfaction and achievement (emotion), that energy in motion would begin to make all the difference. Physical/chemical, mental or even soulful emotion can be such a complex thing related to so much.