And so the climb begins

[Lexi88]

Hi everyone. This is my first time here posting. My depression has come to ahead and I need to start talking.

Firstly - my current state: I'm 6 days out of gradually coming off antideppresants which I have been on for almost 10 years. Last night I slept a total of four hours. I spent the night with all lights on, seeing things in the dark, crying and terrified to sleep for fear of vivid nightmares. My head is a fog and brain zaps are every few minutes. My head throbs for all the crying done followed by enhaustion and calm for 30 minutes. I'm scared that I don't have a deadline for withdrawals. When will it end? Will it get worse?

I had to leave work today as I simply for fear that at any given moment I would explode in rage at someone or Biratnagar into uncontrollable sobbing. I feel sick thinking how on earth will I ever control myself? Is this the end of a burgeoning career? You cannot simply put work and life on hold - people depend on you. How can I possibly be so weak?

I don't know if this is just withdrawals talking or I am still stuck in the hole that is depression and I worry how I will cope with life now that I have decided to look for other ways to handle my mental wellbeing rather than numbing myself with medicine. I don't know what my real feelings look like now.

As a chronic over-anayliser prone to bouts of overwhelming sadness and anxiety, I feel like in at the start of a dark highway heading in a direction I'm unsure of, not knowing what's at the end. Where to start? How to begin to calm myself? To feel again? How to get up and take on a new day? I think perhaps I might like to speak with someone for guidance however my last time reaching out for help this way I felt intimidated and pressured to speak leaving me having a panic attack and running out of the building!

[Soberlicious96]

HI Lexi88,

First of all, I feel the need to ask; are you coming off your antidepressants on the advice of your doctor, or a health professional? Because if not, may I suggest that you talk to your doctor or health care professional as soon as possbile.

Second of all, please don't refer to yourself as 'weak'. I bet you wouldn't say that to your friend, if the shoe was on the other foot, so to speak? Being harsh on yourself may not be the most helpful thing at the moment.

Thirdly, reaching out here is a great start. I know that many times in my own life, I have found writing things down (or tapping it out on a keyboard) has been quite cathartic and calming. It seems to help slow, if not stop, the same thoughts from going around and around in my head.

And, while it may seem a bit 'simple', I have also found it help to have a 'comfort thought' ..... some sort of simple visualization that I can focus my mind on, until such time as I have calmed down enough to perhaps revisit the trigger of the anxiety with a clearer head. My comfort thought, for example, is yellow roses. I close my eyes and imagine that I'm staring out at a whole paddock full of glorious yellow roses. That the sky is clear and blue, and I am completely safe and breathing in the beautiful aroma of roses abound! It helps that I have a whole bunch of colouring books to colour in!

Maybe your comfort thought could be a crispy white sandy beach, or a mountain top or a waterfall .... or whatever and wherever your imagination takes you. Just so long as it is calming and comforting.

but I'll just say it again, if you have come off your medication without medical/health worker's advice, please do reconsider. There is no weakness or shame whatsoever in taking care of a condition that is bringing you down.

I wish you all the best, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. xo