Adult son with depression

[Tired_Mum]

I feel like I'm at my wits end. My son is 20 and has been battling depression since Covid lockdown when he was 16. We saw the doctor and tried pschologists, which werent very helpful. It really spiked around his 18th birthday when he became suicidal. We saw the doctor, Headspace, acute mental health teams, got a psychiatrist and have tried so many things. He's tried talking therapy, a number of medications, transcranial alternating current therapy, and psychotherapy. I've tried so hard to be supportive, to offer guidance, to listen, to physically be there, to take him out, to make appointments. He seemed to fluctuate - sometimes he's alright and gets along "okay", but he inevitably crashes again. His answer to me is "I just don't want to live in this awful world". He says the only reason he doesn't kill himself is because of me.

At the end of last year he quit his job at Coles, saying it was a key factor in wanting to die. The burden of responsibility and working for a multinational organisation (he believes capitalism is the crux of all that is toxic about humanity). He refuses to entertain the notion of working again and says it just isn't for him. We did have some success in future planning - he wants to be an author. But now all he does is sit around and play games, listening to YouTube videos (which he calls "learning") and occasionally writes. He says until he's a millionaire writer, I should support him financially because of his depression. 

The weight and burden of his depression has been crippling for me personally, but now I just feel burnt out. I'm so tired of his moods and attitude. I'm a single mum and work long hours and currently commute 2.5hrs a day to keep the roof over our head and try to save to buy a house. He contributes nothing, yet he asks for takeaway or junk food all the time. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells so I don't upset him. He's rude and disrespectful to me regularly. Any time I seem to mention something he doesn't like, he throws back something akin to "well, you don't want to die, do you". I'm beginning to hate my life and the responsibility of caring for my adult son, who has no scrap of independence or any on the horizon.

How do you cope? Despite all my encouragement to make an appointment with his psych or tweak his meds or make changes, he does nothing and, of course, nothing changes. I feel awful, but I resent him. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I feel so unhappy. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Members here and Community Champions like myself mostly have a mental health issue. That means we respond by using our lived experience and that is another tool for you other than professional help. We dont replace that but add another dimension to assist you through eyes of those that have experienced what you are going through.

This "awful world" can easily get us down and he seems to have taken all the negatives and that flooded effect is contributing towards his attitude. If this occurs with without those and he has a fragile mindset, then you see the result.

I assume his diagnosis is depression and we are limited as to our suggestions to help however having ongoing depression myself I have some suggestions in links below that could help.

I'm worried about you. You appear to be a very good caring mother and battling along with limited expertise with a now at times abusive son will take its toll. 

Quitting his job could be a good thing. With those with suicidal thoughts one has to take radical steps to protect their mental state. Remaining in a job, even any job, could contribute towards such thoughts. I've been there. However not intending to work again and placing all his burden on you isnt right, "you are not in this world to live up to his expectations". At his age you are here to guide him and support him but he must make his own way in life in terms of earnings. Does he think all those with depression dont have to work? what about those without a supportive mother to lean on? This is all unrealistic and that factor is effecting you the most.

I'm inclined to suggest that one radical avenue to consider is to work with police or other authority (a male relative?) to reduce the abuse. He must learn that how he treats you is taking advantage of your kind motherly role. That is not a green light to demand take away nor  create conflict. His moods are unlikely due to depression but rather getting his own way. I'm bipolar and that has a mood content. As a writer of poems with many attempts at getting publishing its unlikely he'll become a millionaire, but telling you how you should support him financially is a reflection of his disrespect. You have a fear of his suicidal past and he's capitalising on that fear which really is pretty low.

Emotional blackmail ("you dont want to die do you") is unacceptable. I think you need to make several stands like "we cant afford take away, we have bread" and "no I dont want to die, life for me is beautiful and I'm sorry you cant see how wonderful it is" and "Youtube is educational to a low degree otherwise students would remain home and watch them as a replacement to attending school".  

You've tried encouragement, great. The only other thing you can try is to research writing, how to write a book. But thats more of a hobby until he is successful, until then he must realise he has to contribute. I commuted the same as you- dont forget that your car wont last forever, another reason he should find work.

I have bipolar, dysthymia, under the autism spectrum and a history of depression. I worked from 17yo to 57yo. 40 years. Most sufferers do work.

Reply anytime

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/abuse-and-its-grey-boundaries/td-...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/emotional-blackmail-surviving-it/...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-strife-the-peace-pip...

TonyWK

[indigo22]

Hello,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I'm so sorry this challenge has become such a struggle, you are in a very difficult position and I feel for you.

I want to be upfront with you - I have never had children (now in my 60's). However, I have been dealing with dysthymia and major depression since I was a just in my teens. So I am responding from the part of me that can see both sides of this situation without judgement.

I have been suicidal in the past, and it takes a lot of strength and will to pull yourself out of that mindset. I also felt the harshness of this world as I was growing up and always felt like I didn't fit in. One of the reasons in my case is because I am what is known as a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). As such I feel things at a deeper level than the general population and there are many on these forums who are HSPs.

I would like to ask you if your son was this way when he was younger. You can read more about this by searching the internet 'Elaine Aron HSP', there will be information on the traits of this personality type.

I never got the help I needed when I was young so I want to thank you for being such a caring and loving mother to your son through his mental health difficulties. It is clear you will do whatever you need to do to help him but I believe therein lies the problem now. He is not taking any responsibility for his own illness, and why would he when he has you to do it all for him. He is moving through that difficult phase from teen to adult and has so far not had to be responsible for himself and likely has no idea what it takes to support yourself financially, physically, mentally and spiritually. It is now your role to teach him to become independent and, where necessary, refuse to enable him further. I know that won't be easy, but it will be the best course of action for both of you in the long run.

When he wants extras from you, eg. take away food - things that are not essential to his survival, you need to make it clear that you will no longer supply them. If he wants those extras, he must find his own finances to supply them, whether that is through working or applying for Centrelink support. Let him know he is loved unconditionally, but also make it clear to him that he is expected to help you with the daily running of your home and that his rudeness and disrespect will no longer be tolerated. When that happens, simply tell him that you do not behave that way with him you will not interact with him until he can show you the respect that you deserve.

As for your own mental health, I highly suggest seeking your own counselling. I realise this may not be easy for you time-wise with your work, but there are some alternative ways to make this happen. Firstly, when you are having a particularly difficult time, reach out to the helplines to talk to someone in real time. They can offer you information on support in your area and it always helps to talk about what is troubling you. Secondly, you can speak to your GP to set up a mental health plan and get help finding a counsellor who does online sessions. This way you don't have additional traveling involved.

We will be here to support you as well, so there is no need to feel alone in this situation.

Here are a couple of helplines you can reach out to:

1800Respect - available 24/7 – 1800 737 732

Lifeline – available 24/7 – 13 11 14

And one for your son to reach out to: (this is one you can also reach out to for help with your son)

Kids Helpline – available 24/7 – Up to the age of 25 years – 1800 55 1800

I sincerely hope this helps and please feel free to continue the conversation if you wish.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you ❤️

It can be a massive understatement to say that being a guide for our child is tough at times. When no one gives us a map to navigate with, we can end up feeling almost as lost as our child. When no one prepares us for navigating certain territory that we can't see coming, suddenly we can find our self in it while feeling so desperate. As a mum to a 19yo son and 22yo daughter, I've lost track of the number of times I've thought 'How did I not see this coming?'. I've found some things are clearer through hindsight, based on the lead up being so incredibly gradual and far from obvious.

I've found the 'fast trackers' through challenging territory to be those who've navigated the territory themselves. A 'been there, done that' sort of thing. Tips on what it's about, how it feels and how to get through it means we're not spending weeks, months or years trying trying to work it out for ourself. Tony and Indigo have been brilliant fast trackers for others here on the forums.

While my son faces challenging territory at the moment, we have a similar nature so I can kind of see what's coming if nothing significantly changes in his life. What he and I struggle with may be some of the things your son possibly struggles with. I can't help but wonder

• Is he someone who feels deeply or easily and struggles with how easily he's able to feel things like frustration, disappointment, anger, a lack of a sense of direction etc? This is something Indigo touches on, regarding the HSP perspective. It's one thing to be able to feel emotion (a certain type of energy in motion within us), it's a whole other story when it comes to managing what it is we're feeling
• Is he someone who struggles through a lack of solid structure in his life?
• Is he someone who is so full of wonder to the point where he can't help but spend a lot of time wondering on the internet (including wondering about how he fits into a capitalist society)? While some things are worth wondering about, other things are a waste of time and/or they can lead us in completely the wrong direction
• Is he a drifter when there's no solid sense of guidance or direction?

Everyone needs a guide now and then. Even a guide needs a guide for themself on occasion, especially when it comes to uncharted territory. Do you feel that perhaps a guidance counselor for you could help you regain a sense of direction? In turn, this could help you push your son in the right direction. From 'I have absolutely no idea when it comes to where I am, where I'm going or where I'm meant to be heading' to 'I have a much better sense of where I am now', sometimes it's the parent who needs the guide more than anyone. It can be such hard and exhausting work at times, being a guide for our child ❤️

[Algernon]

Hey friend

You feel awful. You are tired. You have carried this responsibility a long time. It's ok to feel unhappy. You said that he doesn't want to kill himself because of you? He loves you. That means you are a great mum. Remember this tired mum :). B

[white knight]

Algernon

The most basics of priorities here is to spread the care and love amongst us. You do that in spades. Thankyou.

TonyWK