Accepting disability

[Eagle Ray]

Hi, today I’ve realised I may need to apply for the disability support pension. I’m with a disability employment agency and they recommended it today and my psychologist last week. On good days I can go for walks and do a few things at home. Other days I’m struggling to function to do basic tasks. Today I could not even get my car key in the lock because I was so unwell and had to lie in a park for sometime before driving home to my town, realising I wasn’t safe to drive until I rested.

I’ve had a chronic pain and fatigue condition for 35 years. I’ve pushed through periods of extreme pain on slow release synthetic opioid meds in order to be able to work. More recently I’ve developed an autoimmune liver disease. It somewhat stabilised with the right treatment in recent months, but can progress to liver failure if it worsens and so I have to manage it with care. I have complex ptsd, anxiety and depression, the latter made worse by recent steep changes in hormone levels from perimenopause. I’ve always pushed through in the past, but I feel I am spent and my body is screaming at me it can’t keep going as it has.

But I feel a sense of grief, a loss of who I wanted to be and hoped for in life. I had a creative business idea but despite being technically capable I’ve realised I’m unlikely to be able to run a business in any great capacity. Accepting my limitations is hard and I think I just have to write that down here.

I may not even qualify for the DSP as it’s so hard to get it now, yet I’m being encouraged to do it. My future feels so uncertain. I want to feel independent and capable. I don’t like accepting my limitations and it’s hard not to feel depressed. Not sure if anyone can relate but just needed to tell someone how I feel. Living alone I only have myself to keep myself going and it can be a real struggle at times. There is no one to help me on days when I’m incapacitated and in extreme pain. I was a carer for years also and that has also burnt me out. I am spent.

[Guest_1055]

Hi dear Eagle Ray

My heart goes out to you. I am not sure if you are resting in bed today or maybe you are outside laying on a bench with creation all around you. 

Just letting you know that I care and you are not alone. 

Leaving some virtual wild flowers here for you🪻.  

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you so much Shell.

 I woke up feeling really depressed and despairing this morning. That was sometime before first light. But when dawn started I could see there was an amazing fog outside. So I went out with my camera and telephoto lens hoping to maybe catch an image of a swan or pelican on the river in the mist. I managed to do just that. I haven’t downloaded the images to the computer yet but I look forward to seeing how they turned out when I see them big on the screen. I captured some images of pelicans, terns, gulls and ducks. When I first got to the river I was in a section where it’s obscured by vegetation. However, I could hear the distinctive sound of dolphins blowing air through their blowholes as they surface. Later I saw a huge stingray from the jetty. I then chatted to a guy who said 6 whales were seen yesterday near the river mouth. I’ll be keeping an eye out for them. You can often see them from the shore here. There is so much wildlife.

So going out this morning really helped me. Doing photography I can sit down and rest for long periods if I need to, which suits me because that’s often when the most interesting things appear to photograph. I’m feeling so terrible at times which I know has a lot to do with deranged hormones. It seems there might not be anything I can take supplement or medicine wise to help me based on current medical conditions and family medical history. I’m just going to have to find other strategies. The hormonal imbalance is really exacerbating existing grief and difficult emotions. I’ll just have to be very pro-active in managing it.

 I hope you have been having a lovely day and thanks so much for the beautiful wildflowers 💐🌸🌼🙏

[HelloGail]

Hi Eagle Ray that sounded lovely, my imagination, I could envision the swans dolphins, beautiful. I live near a beach and often take photos so I can later that night, lye in bed and look at the waves, surfers and ocean. Photography can be a blessing. Thanks for sharing 🌊🏄‍♂️🦭🦆🦢🪿🦦 Gail

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Gail 🙏 I’m glad you enjoy photography too 📷 🙂 It’s fun to be able to look back and see what you’ve seen that day again. It’s like a visual diary I guess. You could always try combining your photos with your written diary.

 I sent a reply to your previous post but it didn’t appear and I got one of those moderator messages. I’m not sure what caused it but I must have used a word that they include in case it relates to a mental health concern. It might appear belatedly. I was basically saying I was sorry to hear about your niece and also your friend who passed from Huntington’s disease. I also mentioned how much nature has been healing for me too. I’m glad you’re enjoying the birds on your balcony. I love birds and it’s always exciting when you see and learn about a new species, isn’t it.

Have a lovely evening and thanks again.

[HelloGail]

Hi Eagle Ray

I followed up as promised on cholangitis, it read 'caused by liver stones' which block the bile duct in the liver, there's a risk an infection can result.  Sudden weight loss can cause liver stones; we know the liver breaks down fats/cholesterol but this autoimmune disease can also be genetic. It is why we should watch what we put in our mouths.
When I had HepB in 1975 an old friend of my dad's told me Barley Water cleans out the liver, so I boiled some,  simmered it for  about 45 mins or whatever time it reads on packet, drained and let it cooled.

Beetroot is supposed to be good for liver cleansing, not the tinned stuff!
Grated carrot, grated beetroot and grated cheesex, mix  together and in a sandwich is so yummy and juicy; the sweetness of the carrot, the tang of the beetroot with the cheese brings it together, makes a good munch. I like to buy fresh raw beetroot, bring to boil and simmer until tender, peel, slice and store in fridge. 
Cheerio

Gail

[HelloGail]

Hi Eagle Ray to David

Did you watch INSIGHT on SBS last night? It is going to be repeated today on SBS at 2pm - EMPATHY.

I missed the start of it last night and surprisingly learned from it, those who are sensitive and are very empathetic, it can make you unwell.

I won't say anymore, hopefully you will see it today and if David reads this see it too unless you already have.

Gail🌸

[HelloGail]

EMPATHY on INSIGHT, SBS, repeated today, Wednesday 17th May 2023 at 2PM (1400). I didn't previously put the day, should you miss my previous message of show. 
Cheers Gail 😊

[Guest_1055]

Hi dear Eagle Ray and all,

No pressure to answer me or anything. But know that you are cared about. 

It is a great idea of yours to focus on beauty, the birds, the dolphins, even the noise from the blow hole in dolphins can be so natural and calming to hear. Being near the water with the fresh ocean air often helps me. Maybe it's helping you too.

Listening to some kinds of music can feel very soothing and you can play your emotions out in an instrument. 

Are you able to soak in a warm bath at all

Hoping you feel better soon.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear HelloGail,

Thank you for being so caring and looking into primary biliary cholangitis. And thank you for your yummy dietary suggestions. It often gets confused with another condition, primary sclerosing cholangitis. PBC involves the presence of antimitochondrial antibodies which were found in me in 2020. While it’s still often described as of unknown cause there is increasing evidence of multiple factors, including autonomic dysfunction and gut dysbiosis contributing to epigenetic changes in biliary function. A mix of genetic and environmental factors can play a role. Through advanced microbiome testing it became evident I had significant gut dysbiosis and a major overgrowth of a pathogenic bacteria (a common finding in PBC). I also had very low butyrate which is connected with liver fibrosis. Although my diet was healthy it still wasn’t ideal for the disease and I also was found to be very highly allergic to dairy, strongly to beef and mildly to lamb. Gluten sensitivity was evident from high zonulin which indicates intestinal permeability. Through supplements and dietary change I’ve had huge improvements. The downfall in recent weeks was an additional supplement that increases oestrogen receptors which I learned from my own research are already too high and part of what’s causing the bile ducts to be destroyed. So I’m continually improving since coming off that.

Thank you re: the Insight program. I had a meeting with the employment agency today so I was unable to watch the repeat. However, I’ve watched a few Insight programs and it can be very interesting. I definitely fall into the ultra empath category and I totally agree that it can potentially make you ill. Fairly recently I read a book called Sensitive is the New Strong by Anita Moorjani which deals with that very topic. She felt her level of empathy and always putting others before herself is what led to her cancer. She became critically ill and was not expected to live. In fact she clinically died in the hospital, had a near death experience and then amazingly recovered. After that she’s learned to turn her empathy and sensitivity into positives where she remembers to nurture herself as a priority and shares what she learned from her NDE with others.

 I’m doing better today than I’ve done for a while. I even managed to go to my volunteer job this morning which was great for morale. I’m resting now though and trying to stop myself from overdoing things. Thank you so much again for your kind support 🙏

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you so kindly Shell. Nature always helps me. Yes, even that sound of the dolphins blowing air out of their blowhole is comforting. They are a common sight in the estuary and are usually busy fishing and moving about in a group. I agree, the fresh ocean air is just fantastic.

Yes, music can be so helpful too. I might pick up my guitar a bit tonight. I would love to have a warm bath but unfortunately I don’t have one, just a shower. It is one thing I miss in this place. There is a good swimming beach 5 minutes drive from here which, while not warm, is quite therapeutic. Some elderly people swim there right through the winter. I sometimes swim there and it’s common for a stingray to swim right past. I’m not scared of them swimming but they do sometimes bury themselves in the sand, so I take extra care to make sure I don’t stand on one which wouldn’t end well! There’s even a big shark who swims along the coast and is known to divers who sometimes dive with him. One day I was walking along another nearby beach and he was swimming along parallel to me just offshore. There’s quite a few octopuses among the rocks, so many different fish and crabs everywhere. You are always sharing the ocean space with many other creatures. I actually love it as I just love animals and nature, and just take care in relation to anything that might actually be dangerous. I haven’t felt up to swimming lately but hopefully might soon.

Thank you again and thinking of you too and hope you are doing ok 🙏