A farewell note to a friend and the person I tried to be

janazantar · ‎15-10-2015

I wrote a goodbye to a friend today knowing I'd never give it to them.I couldn't alter the actions of those last days or explain the thought patterns that seemed valid at the time.That cruelly caused me to react with emotion.I’m grateful I was able to keep my emotions contained for the entire last day in their presence, even when faced with the smiles of their child. A glimmer of hope that in such innocence, surely there was truth.But I managed to push that away and resist the urge to hold their beautiful child lest my dark shadow block their light. I don’t blame them for the distance that now exists between us.I let the illusion go freely that we were friends or that I was important in their life.I was not strong enough to contain my emotions or reactions at the time and wishing won’t allow me to erase those days.They will define me.I will be remembered for them.I have learnt the lesson not to voice my inner thoughts or outwardly display my inner emotion other than on this forum.I have found it particularly difficult this time around and am deeply disappointed in myself and I now know I may not make it back to the person I was trying to be before.I feel the pull of my old ways of thinking and choose to bury that side of myself as deeply as possible and return to detachment.I survived for a long time that way, having to fight for each day.Depression is always near if not actively stripping from me any joy I could know. So for now I’ll slip back on my mask and play the part that allows those around me to be at ease, ignorant of my daily torment.I will avoid shows of kindness that break down my walls and allow tears to flow; an echo of the hope that I can no longer
entertain.I don’t want to feel remorse, guilt, confused or hurt.I will take every word, expression or action
at face value ensuring my interactions are limited to polite indifference.Expecting no more I will be able to smile if I pass you in a hallway, or come across you in the street.If I hear your name I will think on this
farewell until all feeling remains unfelt.I’ve spent these long and lonely years trying to protect myself from hurt knowing of the demons I keep inside.I have felt too much sadness these past weeks.I have cried too many tears and been frozen in fear from knowing no other way to endure, to be better, to find peace. So I also say goodbye to those parts of me that are too broken to repair, but mercifully they sink deeper each day and will soon be out of my reach.

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White_Rose · ‎15-10-2015

Dear Janazantar

You sound as though you are in a very bad place and I want to help you. I'm not certain what has happened to you lately other than you feel bad because you have let a friend down. I do know about feeling frozen and wanting to rid yourself of all hurt. Building walls around yourself will not work. You may stop hurt getting in but your will also prevent love and help. I know how hard it is. I am also in that place and believe me I am not happy.

I know you have written in before but excuse me because I cannot remember if you see anyone to help you. You do need to tell someone about these feelings before the pressure of containing them blows out and you collapse. Call the BB 24/7 number if you are feeling unsafe or very upset. They will be able to have a chat with you. Failing that you can talk on the chat online service until midnight.

Go and see your GP and get a referral to a counsellor because the way you feel is not good and I am very concerned about you.

Mary

janazantar · ‎15-10-2015

Hi Mary,

I'm sorry to have caused you worry. I'm seeing my psychologist regularly and my doctor recently increased my medication. I'm just trying to keep things going and hoped writing down some of my thoughts may help me to let them go. I'm sorry to hear you are also in a bad place, like so many of us here on BB. I'm just so tired of this disease that robs you of your ability to trust yourself and so quickly takes away any sense of hope or faith it will get easier. My family is supportive but the days are long and the nights the worst. Its not so lonely though knowing I can always get on this forum and know that there are people that understand even if those in my real life don't which I don't blame them for, it just makes it difficult for them to help or be around me and since I don't want to keep hurting others and then feeling guilty for doing so or embarrassed for being out of control I feel like shutting down for a while to make it through.

Neil_1 · ‎16-10-2015

Hi janazantar

Great to hear back from you and also very good to hear that you’ve been in touch with your doctor (and had an increase in medication). Do you feel any difference with regard to that as yet; or is it too soon, since it happened?

Seeing your psych on a regular basis is another big positive. I do hope that you have a good repour with your psych as this goes a long way to helping you as a client.

I know where you’re coming from with days are long, but nights are the worst. And why is that with nights? Even when we’re sick with a cold or the flu, things seem to be accentuated at night time !

I also understand where you’re saying that you feel like shutting down for a while to escape your thoughts and to help you get through and yes, that can be helpful for us; but at the same time, if you’re seeing your psych, then this can be something that you should be bringing up in front of them; so they may be able to help you through those troubling periods and hopefully provide you with some coping mechanisms for when you experience bad times.

Kind regards

Neil