Since my early teens I have felt different, left out, ostracised, rejected, square peg in a round hole. People always used to ask why I never smiled, why did it look like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I was incredibly introverted and lacked confidence although being very good at sport was a saving grace. Being mildly competitive, I loved the skill aspects of AFL and cricket but never got into the team bonding and mateship that much; it never interested or motivated me. As a shy teenager, I struggled meeting girls. Between that and some pretty hard rejections, I had an incredibly lonely decade and turned to alcohol.
For the last 36 years or so, I've felt hollow. My wife and I joke about me being all dead inside. I tell her that I'm a broken human being. It's crazy how you can feel gloomy for so long and think that's normal. It's like living with a glaucoma that hazes everything you see, think and feel and disappears anything that used to be enjoyable. I feels like I have to make myself do everything; I have no motivation that other seems to have in keeping a house tidy, playing with the kids, gardening or fixing things, travel etc
I'm married with 2 boys. For most of my marriage, I've been going through the motions. I generally don't feel anything for my wife so I have to make it up and think what I should be feeling in different situations. She can see through my charade and is incredibly hurt by it.
About the only thing I get enjoyment from is my writing. I started writing long fiction a few years ago. My wife has a great job and works full-time while I look after the boys and the house, so I have plenty of time to write.
I have tried to leave my marriage twice (we have 2 boys). I met someone else (a writer) who summoned feelings from me that I never thought I would feel again: flushes of warmth and joy right through my chest. I tried to leave but came back both times; I couldn't deal with the guilt and loss. I guess I'd rather live with a life of regret rather than a life of remorse. I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to spend a life together with my *special friend* and all the positive feelings that it seems to promise. I do wonder whether it would fade back to gray after a while though, like everything else has over the last 46 years. I'm resigned to a life without happiness or joy but it will be liveable.
