A dysthymic life

[Arnie69]

Since my early teens I have felt different, left out, ostracised, rejected, square peg in a round hole. People always used to ask why I never smiled, why did it look like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I was incredibly introverted and lacked confidence although being very good at sport was a saving grace. Being mildly competitive, I loved the skill aspects of AFL and cricket but never got into the team bonding and mateship that much; it never interested or motivated me. As a shy teenager, I struggled meeting girls. Between that and some pretty hard rejections, I had an incredibly lonely decade and turned to alcohol.

For the last 36 years or so, I've felt hollow. My wife and I joke about me being all dead inside. I tell her that I'm a broken human being. It's crazy how you can feel gloomy for so long and think that's normal. It's like living with a glaucoma that hazes everything you see, think and feel and disappears anything that used to be enjoyable. I feels like I have to make myself do everything; I have no motivation that other seems to have in keeping a house tidy, playing with the kids, gardening or fixing things, travel etc

I'm married with 2 boys. For most of my marriage, I've been going through the motions. I generally don't feel anything for my wife so I have to make it up and think what I should be feeling in different situations. She can see through my charade and is incredibly hurt by it.

About the only thing I get enjoyment from is my writing. I started writing long fiction a few years ago. My wife has a great job and works full-time while I look after the boys and the house, so I have plenty of time to write.

I have tried to leave my marriage twice (we have 2 boys). I met someone else (a writer) who summoned feelings from me that I never thought I would feel again: flushes of warmth and joy right through my chest. I tried to leave but came back both times; I couldn't deal with the guilt and loss. I guess I'd rather live with a life of regret rather than a life of remorse. I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to spend a life together with my *special friend* and all the positive feelings that it seems to promise. I do wonder whether it would fade back to gray after a while though, like everything else has over the last 46 years. I'm resigned to a life without happiness or joy but it will be liveable.

[Doolhof]

Hi Arnie69

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the Community here.

Dear Arnie, I had tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart when I read the last part of your story. Just briefly I live in a loveless marriage and I have thought many times of leaving but have never actually managed to do so.

The question is, will life be any different if your do leave? Maybe yes and maybe no. You may have that love and passion for a while, but what happens if it dies again and you are right back to feeling the same way?

For me, I try to make the most out of what I have right here and right now.

Apart from your writing,  and this other special person in your life,what makes you feel like you have a bit of passion and interest in your life?

Have you spoken to a counsellor about how you are feeling? A good person will be able to help you work out what is causing you to feel this way and will help you to be able to move on.

I would like to suggest that this weekend you take the family out and do something you have never done before.

Shake things up a little.

Maybe just take your wife out somewhere.

Sometimes we need to climb out of the rut we are in and see what is happening over the other side of the tracks.

Hope some of this helps.

I'm also curious about your writing. Do you have your work published and how do you go about that?

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools or Lauren

[Arnie69]

Hi Lauren,

Thanks for your reply. Yeah, I wonder if I do leave my marriage and, despite the promise it shows now, my new life goes gray after the honeymoon period is over; that would be soul destroying.

Apart from writing and given that I've committed back to my marriage (so my friend is no longer on the scene) there isn't anything else that I find consistently enjoyable. I've seen psychs and tried an antidepressant but not found it of any help so I manage it myself in my own way.

My wife and I are seeing a counsellor, in fact we've tried a few, and we're doing what we can to invigorate things. We're not seeing much change though. It's not helping that I've committed to be totally truthful to her about what I feel or don't feel so there are constant reminders for her that I don't feel love. In the past, I've pretended that I was feeling all this stuff--but no more!

As for my writing, nothing published yet but a few manuscripts on the go and only a few months away from finishing my Master of Fine Arts degree. Once the manuscripts are ready then I'll look for an agent willing to take them on and help get them published.

When I look back on my life, I think I've achieved a fair bit despite putting up with this depression: house paid off, 1 degree and nearly got my 2nd, 2 healthy boys, a wife who loves me, good corporate career (before I quit). I've got nothing to be down about. I just wish I could feel something inside me. I'd give almost anything to feel joy.

[Arnie69]

Lauren,

How do you got about living a loveless marriage? What are your strategies?

[Neil_1]

Hi there Arnie

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here to post.

Oh boy, your message is a strong one and is something that I think a lot of us can make sense of and understand – perhaps not all aspects, but definitely a lot of them.

Your comment is an excellent one – to leave and have a possibly different life, due to receiving love, affection, attention (um, possibly all the things that a relationship should consist of anyway) and those positive feelings of your heart skipping a beat and you feel like you’re travelling around on a cloud (these are images I hold on to from long long ago, but I picked them up with what you described in your post.   But to do that, then as you say, the life to be living would also be of guilt and loss.

OR to stay as is, and live with the possibility of regret.

I don’t know where I saw it, but it was a while ago where a couple were sitting next to each other, not saying much, when one reached down to the other and lifted up their foot and said, “No wonder this relationship has gone stale, you’re past your use-by-date”.     Easily said on a TV show or whatever it was, but perhaps not so achievable in the real world.

Still, it’s something that a lot of people do – leaving.

And on the opposite side, it’s still something that a lot of people do also – stay.

Great Neil, yes, you’ve helped Arnie out enormously with this response – great stuff.  

Sorry Arnie, I’ve written a number of words, basically I’m really understanding your situation, but cannot advise much more than to say, I’m feeling your pain.

Neil

[Doolhof]

Hi Arnie,

A while ago a counsellor suggested I read a book called "The Five Love Languages". I started to read it, then forgot that I was reading it! The book basically explains that people have a different way of loving and recognising love.

The point to the book is to try to understand how you love someone and how they love you in return. Once you have that figured out, "Love and Relationships" are supposed to be a lot easier!

I need to start reading the book again! Ha. Ha.

My first marriage involved violence and abuse, so this, my second marriage, is certainly a lot better than that!

How do I cope? I realise my husband can not love me the way I wish he would, it is just not part of who he is.

I need to look for and  be aware of the good things in our marriage and in each other. When I am thankful for these things I appreciate life so much more!

Our marriage is not my whole life. I am still me, and he is still himself.

I do not need my husband to make me happy. I can find happiness myself. Yes, it would be wonderful if we had that amazingly happy relationship some people have, but we don't always and that is okay!

What I mean is, I am happy to go out and do my own thing, and so is my husband.

I don't mean we are open to each other having relationships with other people, but we acknowledge you sometimes need to do things with your mates for example.

My husband says we are "friends" so that is certainly a lot better than enemies.

Sometimes you need to take the good and accept the not so perfect to a certain extent!

Faking it! Sometimes it is worth it!

Just have a phone call to answer, would love to hear back from you!

Cheers from Lauren

[Arnie69]

Thanks Neil, but yeah, not much can be done. We do the best we can under the circumstances.

[Arnie69]

Hi Lauren,

Yes, we have that book too. We've worked out that my wife has all 5 love languages and I don't have any. 🙂 If my heart had a gearbox then I'd say it's been jammed in neutral for a long time, although now I profoundly mistrust it. Both times when I went to leave my marriage it was telling me "this is the right thing to do, pursue happiness for us" and then it ambushed me as soon as I walked. Working through all that with a psych right now although we're still grasping for the meaning of it all, which reminds me, I need to make another appointment.

[Sawyer]

Hi Arnie,

I wont pretend to know the trials and tribulations of a 30+ year marriage. You've been married longer than I have been alive, and I admire you for doing your best to figure out how you are feeling for both your kids and your wife.

I know what its like to feel 'flat' and 'numb' for long periods of time, to feel like you are just barely going through the motions, and nothing more.

The only advice I can give you is to stick with your psychologist, and as a poster said earlier, try to be aware of the good parts of your marriage, as well as those you would like to change. Keep looking for what makes you feel something, a hobby, activity, music, reading, writing, whatever makes you feel something positive. It is so easy to forget what it is to feel life and convince yourself that this numbness is normal. In this way, you are the best counsellor for yourself, you know what brings you joy and what gives you peace.

Lastly, I think you are right in being honest with your wife. It isn't the easiest path, but sweeping it under the rug day after day will only make things worse. Honesty doesn't mean being harsh or scathing, but sitting down with your partner, talking about how you feel, talking about what you both want moving forward and how you are going to achieve that. Open, honest, communication is important, but it seems like you certainly already know that.

Continue addressing what is happening to you individually as a person, why you feel so flat all the time etc, and how you can improve your own quality of life. You may find that feeling more in control, grounded and positive within yourself, will reverberate into other aspects of your life.

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope this helps you at least a little, if nothing more than to know that there is someone else in your corner.

Sawyer

[Doolhof]

Hi Sawyer,

I'd just like to thank you for your very wise words and for sharing your thoughts with us all.

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the community here.

One thing I like about this forum is that there is always something new for me to learn from others! So thanks again for sharing your thoughts and ideas.

I really enjoyed reading your post!

Cheers for now from Lauren